I’m so weird these days. I know part of it is because I’m tired. I know that part of it is because I’m not used to dealing with such illnesses and sometimes I don’t know what to say or what to do. I don’t want to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing to hurt someone I care about. I want to do it right. There’s too much pain going on in this world as it is. I wanted to share something with you.
On Wednesday morning, I walked down to the ground floor before leaving for a meeting. I was talking to the building receptionist (a lovely lady that I really like) and someone turned to look at me. I couldn’t remember her name but she looked familiar.
She said that she recognized my voice. She said, “branwyn?”
I, luckily, remembered her name right then. “Skye!”
She looks at me more closely. She said, “It is you, right?”
I laughed and nodded. And she asked, “Are you sick?”
Tears lept to my eyes. It hurt. I’m not sick but I know, because of my long weekend, that I looked sick. I had sucken eyes, pale face, bald head.
“No, no…I’m not sick.” I explained why my head was shaved…why I looked like the walking dead.
This all affected me deeply. And the next day, I found out K. was in the hospital and that I would be going to see her. All I could think was that I hope she gets better soon so neither of us has to look sick anymore. So that we can both grow back our hair and live life to its fullest. I can. But I won’t until she can with me.
I went to her partner today. I told her that if my shaved head became a constant reminder to them, I would grow my hair back. I didn’t want to do anything to hurt them further. I also told her that we, as a department, were really glad that K. has her. We were glad that she had someone to love her and care for her. And then I started to tear up…and she, H., said…”Please don’t. I’ll cry if you do.” I didn’t. She hugged me…this woman who is like a rock. And she told me that she appreciated everything and thanked me for coming to her.
Why am I telling you this? So you’ll understand what frame of mind I’m in. I’m just sad. Just sad.
Life is good for me right now. I have nothing to complain about. I wish K. had the same.