relationships with women

I have never had really healthy relationships with men. I fear them a lot. I fight their need to have power over me. I crave to be loved by them and it never seems to be enough for my neediness. I pull them to me and push them away at the same time. I have a wonderful father but he is one who has a hard time saying he loves people. I have amazing brothers who set the standard for attributes I look for in other men.

My relationships with women are short-lived and tumultuous, at best. I have a very strong mother who loves me but sees me as competition (for whatever reason) and keeps me as a little girl. I have a sister I adore who doesn’t often want a big sister. I have a best friend who has known me since I was a teenager and, amazingly to me, still loves me.

I don’t always recognize the extent of the giving that comes my way from people who don’t have to give to me…thinking, Maenad, chalyss, formerly Captain, and many others…

I have recognized, however, the power of friendship in some people I’ve met here. For me, this is so wondrous and overwhelming that I sometimes am overcome with the emotions these people bring to my life. They are the earth, wind, fire, and water of my life. They are the four seasons and every piece of me. And I wanted to thank them for being in my life, RT (more soon, I hope!!!) and VT.

In no particular order:

tawny~ I have known you longer than anyone else in the VT world. I can remember 8 hour long phone calls when we just really needed to be there for one another. You are a part of my soul…that part that wants to be wild…to stand under full moons, to sing at the top of my lungs, to be daring and challenging. We don’t have those long phone calls anymore (jeez, who could afford it???). We don’t spend every day messaging each other. But we know, if we needed one another, we would be there. Definitely. And even though I can’t say it in French, you are my soul sister.

dannan ~ How do I say what you are to me? How can I put it into words? It is so difficult. I’m consumed by my love for you. There are days when you make me laugh so hard that I can barely breath. And there are days when I cry so much that I feel every bit of your pain. I want to take care of you, love you, be with you. I can’t wait to be able to curl up with you on the bed and watch some sappy movie that we both cry during or to hug you or to go toy shopping with and being embarrassed in only the way we can understand. You bring out the best in me. I could wish for no better friend. You are as close to me as my blood sister. I like to call you my bit of sunshine, my earth sister.

kethry ~ Has there actually been a time in my life when you haven’t been there? I can’t remember it, if there was. You and I…learning, growing, teaching together. We’ve come a long way and we’ve shared so much of that with one another. I run to you when I need someone to tell me I’m ok and I’m not as bad as I believe I am. I run to you when I need a hug. I run to you when I just need to cry and let things out. And you’re always there for me. You’ve never let me down. Not once. Not even when I think I was horrible to you. You understood. You are the epitome of what I call friend. You are always in my heart and never far from my thoughts. I can’t wait to finally meet you in RT. I hope this works out. You are my heartsister. Always.

Lark ~ Last…but never, not ever least. Where would I be without you? You make me stronger. You make me richer. You make my life so full of life that it is worth every moment. You make me feel wanted and loved and cherished. I couldn’t ask for someone better in my life. The more I know you, the more I love you. You fill in the little chunks of my life that have been taken away by pain. You meticulously fill them with love and kindness. You are there when I am frightened and have no where to turn. You are there when it is my darkest hour. And you make sure I know I have somewhere, someone to run to. And I can’t wait to hug you in person. You are the water that buoys me.

I needed you all to know how much I treasure your presence in my life. I know I would have been lost many times without you. Thank you for being here for so many steps. I’ve known you all for years now. And I want it to continue for years. I want to be able to be there for you as you’ve been there for me. I love you all.

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