doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
Archive for July, 2001
the next generation
0I treasure every moment with my niece. I spent a whole day with her today and it was all delightful.
We walked to the park together. She’s all of two so there were times when she’d say, “Carry me.” I love those words. I get to pull her close to me, hear her whisper in my ear, and smell that sweet scent she wears. I smile when I carry her.
We met some friends there. A co-worker and her two year old son. He’s a redhead just like my niece. My friend and I are both redheads. I’m sure it made quite a picture, four redheads out on a sunny day in the park.
I realized how well-mannered my niece is. She said thank you and please. She didn’t throw tantrums when we did something different. She asked if we could go somewhere new. My friend’s son threw tantrums every time he didn’t get his way. It distressed my niece. She wanted him to be happy. She went to him more than once to try to make him smile. She wasn’t encouraged to do it. She just did.
I wondered if it was a sense of wanting to help someone who wasn’t happy or if she was falling into some stereotypical role of caretaker.
She is incredible. With one look she makes me smile. With one hug, I melt like butter in her hands.
I am finally able to understand what the big fuss is about.
Life begins with children. They make it so worthwhile.
dysfunction?
0I am such a sad sap, sometimes, I think. I’m reading an online bulletin board and I find out that an ex is getting married. Not only getting married but having a child.
Now, normally it wouldn’t bother me. I’ve always been able to get over things and move on.
I think, though, that I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m ready to go to the next step. I want to share my life with someone. I want to, perhaps, procreate, if that’s in the cards for us.
It makes me think.
Was I that bad that I couldn’t be the one? I don’t want him anymore but I can’t help but think why he didn’t want me.
Was he ashamed of me? I mean…I’m not a bad catch but why would he not even consider me.
I think another reason I’m bothered by it is that it has been less than a year that we’ve been apart. We’re not teens…far from it. We’re mature adults (I hope!) and I hope that we are more careful about things that we rush into. Did he take time? Does he really love her? Will he be a good father?
I hope the answer is yes to all of those.
But I can’t help wondering.
I know, in the end, I can’t change a thing. I don’t really want to. We weren’t compatible on the level I desire for a life partner.
But it still makes me think.