I’m way too irritated to be at work today. I know I shouldn’t read my work e-mail from home but there is this stupid thing called RESPONSIBILITY that nags me if I don’t. What if I could have helped avoid a situation? What if I could have helped out just a little more?

I really hate opening e-mail from this one person who always has negative things to say. She is never nice in her e-mails. She’s always accusatory. I’m drawn to them, though. I can’t help but open them (even with dread) the moment I see them.

I opened one on Friday. Ok, I opened 4 of them. *sigh* I shouldn’t have. I was in tears that night. I’ve been full of angst most of the weekend, not wanting to come back to work because I’d have to deal with her crap.

What’s even worse is that I get into work an average of 2-3 hours before the rest of the employees. I get a lot more done at 6 a.m. than I do when people are actually here. So, now I’ve been sitting here for over an hour fretting until my boss gets in and I can talk to him about this situation.

I hate this.

***

An addendum:

My boss was totally cool about the issue. He said that it may need to go to the next higher level because this woman has systematically berated, over 2 years, the people in my department. My boss is worried about losing us because of her (he wouldn’t because we all love what we do but she does make it difficult).

I’m relieved. Whew!

—

Now that I’m done ranting… I thought I’d share something that I love.

There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest. ~ Anais Nin – Introduction to The Diary of Anais Nin, 1931-1934

***

To those of you who commented on being “damaged goods,” I appreciate your words. I think I feel less and less damaged as time goes by. I feel more wholey human precisely *because* I have experiences that have changed me and because I have grown due to those experiences. I look at myself as being more two-dimensional before. Now, I’m becoming more well-rounded, tolerant, and accepting of myself and others. It has allowed me tremendous growth. I feel like one of those fast-growing trees that sprouts several feet in one year. Spirtitually and emotionally, I have grown a lot in one year. I hope to do more in the year to come.

As for my co-worker, I don’t think she realized what she was doing or what she was saying. She’s a little old lady who is, usually, very kind and docile. Or, then again, maybe I’m making excuses. I think part of the problem is that I haven’t set boundaries before. I’m doing that now and it throws people off.

Thank you so much. Your words have meant a great deal to me. *hugs*