doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
Archive for April, 2002
we have lost even
1We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin between my hands.
I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always turned to at twilight
and my cape rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward where the twilight goes erasing statues.
Pablo Neruda
southern arizona
09 years ago
A few years ago I went on a journey. I had a friend that was working at Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument in one of the southernmost parts of Arizona. I went there to visit him.
He took me to some of the most amazing places. There was one point in the trip where we were walking along gulleys to catch a glimpse of the infamous javelina and wandered upon a quail family. We would count the arms of the organ pipe cactus and see who could find the one with the most arms. We slept under the stars and imagined the giant saguaros dancing to the soft sounds of the desert beneath a giant summer moon.
We crossed the border to buy supplies in Mexico, where the nearest store happened to be in that area. We had sweet, cool sodas from the coolers that tasted better than anything I had tasted before.
We traveled through Why and onto the Tohono O’odham Indian Reservation where I had some of the BEST Mexican food ever.
We mosied through the reservation towards Kitt Peak. This observatory is situated at the top of a mountain and overlooks everything. It is amazing.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that trip. It was a complete journey…spiritual, physical, and emotional.
miscellany
2I think my moods are in sync with the weather lately. One day everything is bright and sunny and the next it is overcast. I am vacillating between being cheerful without a care in the world to being completely melancholy. And I don’t even know why. However, whenever the clouds move in, I just feel the cloud descending over me as well.
Did doctors bleed patients for melancholy in the 1800s? Would that help?
There is too much going on around here. We have a team of inspectors coming in to make sure we’re up to grade for accreditation. I’ve got at least one meeting a day. I’m waiting on one person to fix a part of her database so that I can work on my part of the database.
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I’m tired of hearing about people killing one another for reasons that are so varied and difficult to fix that there seems to be no way to end it.
I am also so tired of the polarized views that people take over the middle east. It’s so easy to judge from outside of the area. But there are real people on both sides…many of whom are not involved in terrorism – state-sponsored or otherwise…and they are the ones being caught in the cross-fire.
Can peace come from people who’ve been born and raised within a time of hate and rascism? Who’ve been taught to hate and uphold the status quo? Is it possible?
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I put scented candles on a cup warmer in my office to make it smell nice. It’s better than having an open fire in a public building and it really creates nice scents. My favorites, lately, are those from Gold Canyon Candle Co. in Mesa, Arizona. They have the best scents. Right now, I’m smelling Berries Jubilee. Yesterday, I had Mango. I like the fruity smells.
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My niece, who is 3, has been away for nearly a week. My mom and sister (not her mom) took her to California to visit other family members. My brother (her dad) and I are lamenting about how much we miss her. She’s the cutest little redhead. She just makes me smile. I love that.
monday morning
0I barely slept at all last night. I turned out the light at 10:30 and woke up again at 12:45. I couldn’t get to sleep from then on. Finally, around 2:30, I turned the light on and ended up finishing the book I was reading, Farm Fatale by Wendy Holden. It’s a brilliant piece of British humor.
Finished all I need to finish at work today and I may end up leaving early. I need to get some rest.
Someone told me something today that made me realize how debilitizing fear is for some people. I haven’t ever had that particular affliction, thankfully. If I fear it, I do it…makes my life MUCH more exciting. However, his fear nearly shut him down. That, in and of itself, separate from the first fear, has to be pretty terrifying.
I’ve been bugging the CIS Department Head for a chance at teaching a class. He came up with one for me next semester. I can’t believe that I may be influencing people that are going to go out there and tackle the world. Heh. I’ll be teaching Intro to Web Design in the fall. It should be interesting and I’m sure it will supply me with great things to write about.
Well…that’s enough for today. Happy Monday everyone!
wtf?!?
2Well, yesterday got WAY too busy for me to post anything.
What is driving me crazy lately is the fact that people are taking such distinct sides in the Israeli-Palestininan conflict. From where I stand, there is no good guy in this issue. Supporters of the Israelis keep saying that the Palestinians are killing innocents and children. They refuse to recognize that Israelis are, too, killing innocents and children in the Palestinian villages.
This world is absolutely insane. Things are not so black and white as people would wish. I know that my own country has behaved atrociously on so many counts. We have not treated others as we would wish to be treated.
It’s frustrating to see people attacking one another just because their beliefs do not coincide…and they aren’t even in the conflicting regions…they are right here, in our backyards.
It reminds me of bullies in the schoolyard. Whomever can be the meanest wins.
whew!
19 years ago
by dawn
in just a thought
Less whining today. Thanks for letting me whine and vent yesterday. I needed to just get it out.
I’ll be writing in a bit…I just wanted to say the above first.
50 words
3Spring is here, bringing promises of something new. The tumultuous storm we endured last night, swollen eyes exist even now, helped clear the air. Is it enough? Will we find that place where everything is good again? Or will we head back into that place of little communication and sadness?
I should give some background, I suppose. My boyfriend recently moved here from the east coast to be closer to me. He’s feeling deep, deep homesickness because Arizona is so completely different from where he used to live and he is questioning why he is here. He withdraws when he’s hurting and has closed me out. Last night, finally, we talked a bit. I’m raw. I’m sad in some ways but hopeful in others.
I’ve moved in similar ways most of my adult life, having lived all over the place. I love moving. I like the adventure. Our way of dealing with it is very different and I’m becoming frustrated because I can’t make it better for him and because he is withdrawing. He becomes frustrated because I don’t give him the empathy he needs.
We’re lost and trying to find our way back to one another. That’s a hard place to be. So, I’m venting here.
monday morning ramblings
3I’ve worked a great deal on improving myself in the past year. I’ve been seeing a therapist to deal with all of the *crap* that has gone on in the previous years. I’ve worked on reducing my reactions to stress, to not giving in to my redheaded-Sagittarian impulses and flying off the handle on a whim, to finding a more calm way to dealing with life. It works for the most part. However, sometimes I think I’ve gone too far with this *mellow* thing. There are moments I want to RANT, SCREAM, and YELL.
Now is *definitely* one of those times. Well, not at this exact moment…but there is a situation going on in my life where I want to scream. I don’t have any control in the situation and it’s ENRAGING me. I can only do so much and then my hands are tied. But it affects MY life, too, dammit.
So, this is my rant…it’s somewhat distant (as I am, these days) – self-imposed Xanax training without the actual drug – I feel like I’m a zombie without actually feeling the relaxing effects of taking drugs…it’s obviously not too intense because I’m being vague…I’m too worried about hurting someone’s feelings, about damaging something beyond repair, about losing…about failing.
And it sucks.