Archive for June, 2002

I’m working on the final paper (based on weight discrimination) for my Sociology class this weekend.  I will post it as a link when it is finished (as someone asked me to do).

So, I won’t be around this weekend but I hope you all have a great one!  {v}

Sorry if I brought any of you down yesterday. I think that telling my story is a part of catharsis for me and I needed it right now for some reason. Thanks for all of the kind words and support. You can never know how much that means. {v}

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This is me, according to Google. To do this, type in your name, between quotes, with “is” behind it. For instance, I typed in “branwyn is” and queried google to see who I am, exactly. laughing

Branwyn is a contributing editor to Wired, and a frequent contributor to The Industry Standard, Esquire, The Baltimore Sun, and other publications.

Branwyn is a certified media hacker guru.

Branwyn is a somewhat nervous, plain, dark-haired Welsh peasant in her late teens who missed her chance at greatness.

Branwyn is a well-known “cyberculture” personality.

Branwyn is happy to announce to all Thunder Brothers and Sisters that AElfric has been named the Patriarch of Thunder Gorge.

Branwyn is asked by her cousin the Prince, to retrieve a special gift for his potential.

BRANWYN is the Senior Editor of bOING bOING and co-author of bOING bOING’s Happy Mutant Handbook.

Branwyn is a computer freak and has several friends among the Virtual Adepts including Net_Shark, a resident of La Première.

Branwyn is a Master in the design and creation of Heraldry and can make sure a Knight’s shield is perfect from any angle!

Branwyn is here.

Branwyn is a Park friend who’s been busy with her homepage!

Branwyn is a cacophony of sound and color as the guards of the Second Militia come marching into view.

Branwyn is cooking steak on a rock in the fire.

Branwyn is the older sister of the lady behind Moe.

Branwyn is known as the Goddess of Love and Sexuality.

Branwyn is our most precious gift.

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Ok…and for AmberWitch, how many of you have heard the expression “wrapped around my finger?” For example, a woman may say to her friends that she has her boyfriend or husband wrapped around her little finger? laughing Not that I could EVER actually have him wrapped…he’s too stubborn and does exactly what he wants to do…but fortunately, for me, it tends to be things I want to do, too. ;-)

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A fire update…the Rodeo-Chideski fire is over 400,000 acres, 540+ square miles. We’re being told that it’s bigger than the city of London. It’s huge.

Our local forests are going from 66% shutdown to 100% closures tomorrow. Camping, even in reserved areas, is now banned. People are scared.

I have a story to tell today.

Last night, I ventured into an area I had never gone into before and shared deeply personal things with a small group. Now, I’ve done this one-on-one but I’ve never told a group of people about these things. This occasion warranted it. I wanted to put a personal face on this issue. I wanted people to understand that it could touch someone you would never think it could happen to and it can change their lives.

So, I told them, my classmates, a story (the topic is being discussed this week in class so it wasn’t out of the blue). The details of the story are not important, you’ve all heard them before. But the story, itself, is important.

I was looking for love. I had always been unconventional and my search for love was no different. I liked bad boys. I liked those who had an edge on them. I wanted someone who could handle me…and I can be a handful.

I wanted someone to love who could handle me.

I was barely 21 when I first met him. I was 26 when I escaped with my life and went into the next dangerous situation. I was beaten. I was called “stupid,” “fat,” and “ugly.” I was put into sexual situations that no person in her right mind would have entered sanely. I was stalked. I was told that I would be killed. This wouldn’t be the last time that would happen and he wouldn’t be the last man to tell me that.

I went from that relationship to another and another and another. I was looking for love and I knew how to find this certain kind of love. I was good at it. I dealt with emotional and verbal abuse. I spent time dealing with a person who would hold money over my head and not allow me any access to it (leaving me destitute because I was in a place where I was not allowed to work). I have had an AK-47 (as well as an arsenal of 8 other guns) showed to me so that I could understand what would happen to me if I was not a “perfect girl.”

I have been locked in rooms, locked out of houses, left naked on a doorstep and not allowed in, strangled, pushed, shoved, and tortured.

I have had calls from a jail cell telling me that I would be dead as soon as he got out. I have been told by a judge that I’m a big girl and should be able to handle him. I have been told by counselors that nothing would change him, he thought I deserved everything that happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an angel. I didn’t deserve any of this, though. It changed my life. I am no longer the person my parents raised. I am more cautious, more reticent to trust, and less likely to venture out at night.

Domestic Violence is ugly. It is violent. It is long lasting. The bruises have faded. I have very few physical “leftovers” from the last 15 years. I do, however, still hear myself being called “fat,” “stupid,” and “ugly.” I will forever think that I’m bad at math because I was told that over and over again by one person. That’s how stupid I am…I can’t even do math. Words do hurt…far more than people sometimes realize. They do have a lasting effect.

I was looking for love.

It turned into a story.

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For more information on Domestic Violence and Awareness, please visit the following links:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence Resources
Stop Domestic Violence
U.S. Domestic Violence Hotlines
Cybergrrl Safety Net

For the past 3 Tuesdays, Susan Stamberg has been presenting the “Single Series” on NPR. She has been discussing being single, how difficult it can be, and its rewards. Today’s show was the culmination of her series and it discussed people who genuinely like being single.

I think I’m one of them. I like being single. I don’t feel the need to be a part of a couple to feel complete or well-rounded. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner, AmberWitch. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

I also don’t think I want to be married. I don’t think I really want children (and then, sometimes, the “child bug” hits me). I don’t really like the whole ceremonial thing. I don’t need a party to say “I love you.”

What I like most about being single, though, is my freedom and independence. My house is mine. He can visit, he can share parts of that with me…but, in the end, it’s my place to call home that I can do with whatever I want. It is my safety zone. It is my pleasure palace. It is my place to relax, unwind, and be whomever I want to be at that moment. If I want to lay around in my pajamas and watch sappy movies all day, I can. I don’t have to talk to anyone, deal with anything, but I can just “be.” If I want to leave my dishes unwashed or turn up my stereo or bathe in my bath for an hour (if I actually had enough hot water to do so!!!), I can. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I don’t have to make concessions for anyone.

This may be called selfish but I’ve had to share nearly everything I’ve ever had my whole life. I’ve moved from living with my parents (and sharing a room with my sister) to living with others off and on for the past 17 years. I am LOVING my time with myself. It has become very important to me. I cherish my “alone time.” I get worn out being around people every day of the week. It has become imperative that I take one day for me…just for me…no one else…where I can enjoy whatever it is that I want to do.

I have felt badly about wanting this for myself. I have felt that I may be hurting others in my quest for alone time. I’ve found, however, that I’m not as good as I can be unless I have that time for me. I can’t give anyone else the best if I can’t give myself what I absolutely need.

I like being single. It’s not for everyone but I enjoy it.

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Thanks to all my new subscribers and to all those who leave comments. I love having you all share your thoughts with me, as well. :-)