doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
Archive for October, 2002
cancer
0I tried to make it around to see you all today but I got stopped by a phone call earlier.
One of the things I’ve been going through is all of the cancer pre-screening. I recently had my baseline mammogram and I went to have a skin cancer pre-screening.
The doctor just called back and one of my moles is melanoma. I’m going in for surgery today (she had a cancellation and it sometimes takes *months* to get into the offices because they are the only ones in this rural area that do this sort of thing). So, they are going to try to get all of the cancer out today.
I’m a bit emotional. I know I’ll be ok. We caught it early. It’s just scary to be told you have cancer.
Cancer.
Tuesday October 15, 2002
0I tried to make it around to see you all today but I got stopped by a phone call earlier.
One of the things I’ve been going through is all of the cancer pre-screening. I recently had my baseline mammogram and I went to have a skin cancer pre-screening.
The doctor just called back and one of my moles is melanoma. I’m going in for surgery today (she had a cancellation and it sometimes takes *months* to get into the offices because they are the only ones in this rural area that do this sort of thing). So, they are going to try to get all of the cancer out today.
I’m a bit emotional. I know I’ll be ok. We caught it early. It’s just scary to be told you have cancer.
Cancer.
illness
0“I cannot believe that my illness is natural. I suspect Satan, and therefore I am the more inclined to take it lightly.”
– Martin Luther (1483-1546), German theologian, reformation leader
Being sick sucks. I feel like I’m sick more than I’m well these days. If there is something going around the office, I’m sure to catch and to keep it longer than most other people. When I get sick, I get really sick. I don’t feel like doing much except sleeping and moving from the bed to the sofa and back to the bed.
This time, I really got it. I got a sinus infection and an ear infection and this is affecting my body in other ways. My defenses are completely down and my skin is breaking out, my eczema is acting up, and I’ve got a cough that won’t allow me to sleep at all.
Whine, whine, whine. Yep. That?s pretty much where I am now. I have to write journal entries to stay on track but I feel like dirt and have for a few days now. Who knows how long this will go on. If I don’t write, I’ll never get caught up.
In one class, we were told to write about anything during our free-write even if that meant that we wrote about not knowing what to write. I rarely have the difficulties of not knowing what to write. Getting motivated, however, is an entirely different thing. When I don’t feel good, I don’t want to even turn on my computer, pick up pen and paper, or think. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to be.
I’ve gotten caught up on every home improvement show that I’ve missed. I am the queen of Trading Spaces and While You Were Out. If I owned a house, I’d probably be on them. I want to steal some of their ideas and incorporate them into my own home.
There aren’t any really good movies on the movie channels during the week. Don’t they understand that we sick people need good movies to get through the day? Instead, I am stuck with movies that I’ve seen a million times or movies that no one even wants to see once.
I’ve managed to avoid Ricki Lake, Jerry Springer, Jenni Jones, and even Oprah. I do get caught up in the Wayne Brady Show, though. He’s too funny not to watch.
I’m going to be missing out on some really great shows when I head back to work. It almost makes me want to stay home longer. Almost. TV is incredibly dull and exhausting after a while.
Maybe I’d rather be at work where soap operas are real and work can take my mind off of anything else.
Whine, whine, whine…
Tuesday October 15, 2002
0Illness
“I cannot believe that my illness is natural. I suspect Satan, and therefore I am the more inclined to take it lightly.”
– Martin Luther (1483-1546), German theologian, reformation leader
Being sick sucks. I feel like I’m sick more than I’m well these days. If there is something going around the office, I’m sure to catch and to keep it longer than most other people. When I get sick, I get really sick. I don’t feel like doing much except sleeping and moving from the bed to the sofa and back to the bed.
This time, I really got it. I got a sinus infection and an ear infection and this is affecting my body in other ways. My defenses are completely down and my skin is breaking out, my eczema is acting up, and I’ve got a cough that won’t allow me to sleep at all.
Whine, whine, whine. Yep. That?s pretty much where I am now. I have to write journal entries to stay on track but I feel like dirt and have for a few days now. Who knows how long this will go on. If I don’t write, I’ll never get caught up.
In one class, we were told to write about anything during our free-write even if that meant that we wrote about not knowing what to write. I rarely have the difficulties of not knowing what to write. Getting motivated, however, is an entirely different thing. When I don’t feel good, I don’t want to even turn on my computer, pick up pen and paper, or think. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to be.
I’ve gotten caught up on every home improvement show that I’ve missed. I am the queen of Trading Spaces and While You Were Out. If I owned a house, I’d probably be on them. I want to steal some of their ideas and incorporate them into my own home.
There aren’t any really good movies on the movie channels during the week. Don’t they understand that we sick people need good movies to get through the day? Instead, I am stuck with movies that I’ve seen a million times or movies that no one even wants to see once.
I’ve managed to avoid Ricki Lake, Jerry Springer, Jenni Jones, and even Oprah. I do get caught up in the Wayne Brady Show, though. He’s too funny not to watch.
I’m going to be missing out on some really great shows when I head back to work. It almost makes me want to stay home longer. Almost. TV is incredibly dull and exhausting after a while.
Maybe I’d rather be at work where soap operas are real and work can take my mind off of anything else.
Whine, whine, whine…
a response to violence
0During the last month, there have been 3 attacks in the Los Angeles area that have been either anti-gay or anti-Jew motivated. As a project for a class, I wrote a response from one victim, a 55-year-old West Hollywood man, to his assailant.
–
I know why you do this. I frighten you. You are afraid you know me, that you may be like me, that someone you love may be like me. This frightens you. You don’t see me as someone who simply loves another person. You see me as someone who loves other men. That, to you, is wrong. You don’t have any logical reasons for this fear or this feeling that what I do is evil but you continue to hold onto these feelings because to let go is even scarier for you.
What would your friends think if you ignored me? What would they do to you if you actually stuck up for me? Would you be next? Would they attack you? Would they beat you senseless as you have done to me? Are you as afraid of your friends as I’ve become of you?
Do you understand what you’ve done? You can’t change who I am, whom I love. Are you even sure of whom I love? That doesn’t matter, though, does it? What matters is that I will not walk alone on MY streets anymore, thanks to you. I will constantly look over my shoulder even when with a group of friends or my partner. I will hear footsteps where there are none, see shadows where none exist. I will shake at the thought of having to venture out at night when my partner has a cold to get him something to help with his stuffy head. He will not know the fear I have but I will still have it.
You have transferred, shared your fear. You have passed it on. You are afraid of me and now I am afraid of you. You have seen to that. I do not fear you because you are different. I do not fear you because you define something I don’t understand. I fear you because you want to hurt me. I fear you because you stalked me and beat me.
I wonder how you’re feeling now. Can you believe that? I’m the one who has been hurt and I’m wondering how you’re feeling. I’m wondering if you feel regret, sick to your stomach, remorse over what you’ve done.
I wonder if you’ll do it again. I wonder if next time someone will end up dead because there won’t be a kind taxi driver who will stop and help out the next victim.
I wonder if you’ll be caught. I wonder if you want to be caught.
I wonder about justice and if there is any.
I wonder if life will ever go back to normal for me.
I wonder if you’re thinking of me.
I’m thinking of you.
Wednesday October 2, 2002
0During the last month, there have been 3 attacks in the Los Angeles area that have been either anti-gay or anti-Jew motivated. As a project for a class, I wrote a response from one victim, a 55-year-old West Hollywood man, to his assailant.
–
I know why you do this. I frighten you. You are afraid you know me, that you may be like me, that someone you love may be like me. This frightens you. You don’t see me as someone who simply loves another person. You see me as someone who loves other men. That, to you, is wrong. You don’t have any logical reasons for this fear or this feeling that what I do is evil but you continue to hold onto these feelings because to let go is even scarier for you.
What would your friends think if you ignored me? What would they do to you if you actually stuck up for me? Would you be next? Would they attack you? Would they beat you senseless as you have done to me? Are you as afraid of your friends as I?ve become of you?
Do you understand what you’ve done? You can’t change who I am, whom I love. Are you even sure of whom I love? That doesn’t matter, though, does it? What matters is that I will not walk alone on MY streets anymore, thanks to you. I will constantly look over my shoulder even when with a group of friends or my partner. I will hear footsteps where there are none, see shadows where none exist. I will shake at the thought of having to venture out at night when my partner has a cold to get him something to help with his stuffy head. He will not know the fear I have but I will still have it.
You have transferred, shared your fear. You have passed it on. You are afraid of me and now I am afraid of you. You have seen to that. I do not fear you because you are different. I do not fear you because you define something I don’t understand. I fear you because you want to hurt me. I fear you because you stalked me and beat me.
I wonder how you’re feeling now. Can you believe that? I’m the one who has been hurt and I’m wondering how you’re feeling. I’m wondering if you feel regret, sick to your stomach, remorse over what you’ve done.
I wonder if you’ll do it again. I wonder if next time someone will end up dead because there won’t be a kind taxi driver who will stop and help out the next victim.
I wonder if you’ll be caught. I wonder if you want to be caught.
I wonder about justice and if there is any.
I wonder if life will ever go back to normal for me.
I wonder if you’re thinking of me.
I’m thinking of you.