I have a story to tell today.

Last night, I ventured into an area I had never gone into before and shared deeply personal things with a small group. Now, I’ve done this one-on-one but I’ve never told a group of people about these things. This occasion warranted it. I wanted to put a personal face on this issue. I wanted people to understand that it could touch someone you would never think it could happen to and it can change their lives.

So, I told them, my classmates, a story (the topic is being discussed this week in class so it wasn’t out of the blue). The details of the story are not important, you’ve all heard them before. But the story, itself, is important.

I was looking for love. I had always been unconventional and my search for love was no different. I liked bad boys. I liked those who had an edge on them. I wanted someone who could handle me…and I can be a handful.

I wanted someone to love who could handle me.

I was barely 21 when I first met him. I was 26 when I escaped with my life and went into the next dangerous situation. I was beaten. I was called “stupid,” “fat,” and “ugly.” I was put into sexual situations that no person in her right mind would have entered sanely. I was stalked. I was told that I would be killed. This wouldn’t be the last time that would happen and he wouldn’t be the last man to tell me that.

I went from that relationship to another and another and another. I was looking for love and I knew how to find this certain kind of love. I was good at it. I dealt with emotional and verbal abuse. I spent time dealing with a person who would hold money over my head and not allow me any access to it (leaving me destitute because I was in a place where I was not allowed to work). I have had an AK-47 (as well as an arsenal of 8 other guns) showed to me so that I could understand what would happen to me if I was not a “perfect girl.”

I have been locked in rooms, locked out of houses, left naked on a doorstep and not allowed in, strangled, pushed, shoved, and tortured.

I have had calls from a jail cell telling me that I would be dead as soon as he got out. I have been told by a judge that I’m a big girl and should be able to handle him. I have been told by counselors that nothing would change him, he thought I deserved everything that happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an angel. I didn’t deserve any of this, though. It changed my life. I am no longer the person my parents raised. I am more cautious, more reticent to trust, and less likely to venture out at night.

Domestic Violence is ugly. It is violent. It is long lasting. The bruises have faded. I have very few physical “leftovers” from the last 15 years. I do, however, still hear myself being called “fat,” “stupid,” and “ugly.” I will forever think that I’m bad at math because I was told that over and over again by one person. That’s how stupid I am…I can’t even do math. Words do hurt…far more than people sometimes realize. They do have a lasting effect.

I was looking for love.

It turned into a story.

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For more information on Domestic Violence and Awareness, please visit the following links:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence Resources
Stop Domestic Violence
U.S. Domestic Violence Hotlines
Cybergrrl Safety Net