Sensitive

“I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn’t take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen”

I don’t think it’s a secret. I’m a sensitive girl. Well, I’m sure it’s not a secret within my writing. I write as if I am a sensitive person. I feel things deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve.

I don’t know where this is coming from tonight.

“So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way”

Today has been one of those emotional days, I guess. I had class…that I love. We had a substitute but it was still somewhat interesting. We had to turn in an essay and while we were reading some articles, she read the first sentences to our essays. As we get ready to discuss the articles, she says, “Have you all learned about first sentences?” We’ve been talking about leads, grabbers, hooks, etc. and ask her if that is what she means. She says that what she’s talking about includes those but it’s really about the first sentence in a piece. Then she tells us that she’s just read our first sentences and thinks we need to discuss this.

“You always tell me that it’s impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why’s it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me that I’m hated?”

We all sat there in silence. I’m not sure anyone knew what to say. I piped up. “That doesn’t bode well for our essays, does it?” She laughed and asked what I mean. I told her (and the class) that she had just told us that she read our sentences and then decided we needed to discuss first sentences. She told us that she’s brutal. A few of us like brutal but it can be difficult to swallow when you’re not prepared for it. Someone else spoke up. “Were there any good ones?” She nodded but didn’t say anything.

“So please be careful with me, I’m sensitiveAnd I’d like to stay that way”

I don’t think she meant to set up that kind of a situation but it may have been where we all were in that class today. Maybe we weren’t prepared for it, maybe we didn’t understand her type of teaching. Maybe we were all being sensitive.

“I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith”

I had to get blood tests and x-rays today. I haven’t written this yet, but the pathology came back good. They got all of the cancer in that spot. Now we have a spot left on my hand and I’ve found another mole that I want her to check on my stomach. We’re now checking for any metastasizing. I had an x-ray on my chest, blood tests for my platelets, red and white blood cells, liver, hormones, etc. They want to see if the cancer spread. The x-ray tech had me undress my top half. I put on that thin paper top and stood up to the x-ray machine. She looked at my back. “That’s a nasty incision you’ve got there.” I nodded, “I had melanoma there.” She already knew that, though. It was on my x-ray papers. “How long have you known?” I almost choked. She understood that it was serious and was trying to help me along. “A little over a week.” Her hand touched my back and I almost choked on a tear. I don’t know why but it hit me hard. Nothing more needed to be said.

“So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way”

I went to my dad’s business. He told me about my cousin who was just diagnosed with one of the many sarcomas. My cousin is 21. Twenty-one years old. He’s not as fortunate as I am. He’s known that something was wrong for months. His back has been hurting, he’s lost 45 pounds in 3 months, and he’s been very, very sick. No one would treat him for his distress because he didn’t have insurance. Even after he got indigent care, they wouldn’t check out his back because it was preexisting because he had sold off things to get it checked the week before. His wife had to lie to the emergency room, tell them that he fell down the stair, to get care. The radiologist knew right away. He’s going to lose his leg, at least. They’re hoping he won’t lose his life. I’m so angry that people are not able to get the care they need because they don’t have jobs that give insurance or aren’t wealthy enough to pay for walk-in care. I’m angry that I’m fortunate enough to catch my cancer early and he wasn’t. I’m angry that either of us got it in the first place.

“I have this theory that if we’re told we’re bad
Then that’s the only idea we’ll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see”

Then I came home. My mom called and told me that Richard Harrison and Paul Wellstone died today. Both of these are tragedies in so many ways. Richard Harrison was a fine actor. Senator Wellstone was a champion of the people. I got caught up in a Canadian indie film on the Sundance channel called waydowntown that was pretty dark in so many ways. It was brilliant and full of imagery but it was dark. Probably not the best thing for me to watch today.

” ‘Cause anyone can start a conflict
it’s harder yet to disregard it
I’d rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me ’cause I’d like to stay that way”

It’s just one of those days. I’m sensitive and I’d like to stay that way.

Thanks to Jewel for her song, “I’m Sensitive” from her 1994 CD Pieces of You