I was well on my way into life when she came around. I had been surrounded by boys for most of my life and didn’t really know anything about girls. She became mine. I took her under my care.

I was 10 years old when my sister was born. I can remember the day she came into this world, grey and cloudy, cold Montana winter day. I remember the first time I set eyes on her and thought she was amazing. I’d only had brothers…what did I know about being a sister?

I loved her with a passion that I’ve only felt for one other person, my niece. My sister was someone special to me.

We grew up in different worlds, though. We were relatively poor when I was growing up. Our parents were younger and with me being the oldest, I was the guinea pig. I was a Navy brat and lived in too many places to count. She, on the other hand, got to live most of her life in 2 places, moving to our current town when she was 7 years old (she’s now 25). She was the youngest of four, the baby of the family.

I regret that I may not have been the best sister there could have been. I was gone when she was eight. I was in college and trying to live my own life. I barely remember the years she was growing up because I was going through my own growing stage. I don’t have a lot of memories of things we did like I do with my brothers. We didn’t make a connection in the same ways.

We’re older now, she’s married and pregnant with her first child, and I weep for the missed connection. I’ve tried to get closer to her but so much has happened that there always seems to be a barrier between us.

I want that kind of a relationship where my sister is my best friend…where I can call her up and invite her to a movie and it’s just us…no one else. There is always an entourage when we go somewhere…like she’s afraid to be alone with me. I don’t think I’ve ever had lunch with her where it was just the two of us. The only time we were able to make that connection was when we joined Weight Watchers. That, to me, became our special time. When she got pregnant, she was told she could no longer come and we lost our connection again.

I want a relationship with her that is as special as it was when she was a little girl. I want that connection back. I want a sister that I can tell my secrets to without having them told to our mom and then, from there, to everyone else.

I miss my sister…and she’s right here.