Commitments< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

 

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes… but no plans.”

– Peter F(erdinand) Drucker (b. 1909), Austrian writer, author, educator

 

I believe in living up to my commitments.  If a commitment is something that I make to another person or to myself, they become imperative that I live up to them.  I feel like I lack responsibility if I don’t live up to them.

 

Then, there are times when I just want to throw everything out and do whatever feels good and not, necessarily, what is expected of me.

 

I’m sure many people feel this dichotomy within themselves.  The question is, how do we reconcile that part of us that wants to be free and the part of us that wants to be respected?  Are they mutually exclusive or can they be combined?

 

I over commit because I don’t like to say no to people.  I want to be able to give others what they want from me but that sometimes means that I am denying myself something, as well.  Usually that “something” is time for myself, freedom to have time, or even the power to say “no.”

 

When I over commit, I feel pressure.  I put pressure on myself to try to make everything work.  The problem with that is that I’m not able to make everything work.  Sometimes it’s not up to me.  Sometimes “making it work” is dependent on far more people than just me.  Occasionally the pressure gets to me and then I’m overwhelmed.  When I become overwhelmed, it seems that apathy follows.

 

It’s the weirdest mix of feelings, I must say.  I know I’m competent.  I know that I’m responsible.  I know that I can do the things I say I will do.  For some reason, though, I hit a point and that’s it.  I’ve hit a wall and I just quit.

 

When I get to that point, I’m tired.  I’m exhausted.  It wears me out.  It’s hard for me to bounce back from that.

 

I’m probably feeling this way now because I’ve been sick for so long and am now riding this roller-coaster with the surgeries and all.  I’m tired of being sick and I’m feeling like I’m not living up to my commitments.  I have classes to be in, work to be doing, and people to be supporting.  I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down.

 

I’m sure that doesn’t help with me being sick.  The stress tends to affect me adversely in that I get more sick when I feel stress.  I can’t stay away from my work e-mail because I figure that keeping up will help out my co-workers more but when I do read it, there isn’t much I can do from my house as far as my job goes (yet…hopefully we’ll be working on that soon!).

 

I’m distressed.  I’m exhausted.  I need to get back into life.