Archive for May, 2003

My mother didn’t come to my graduation on Friday. She went 500 miles to see my brother graduate with his Masters in California but she wouldn’t come 25 miles across town to watch me get my AA. Later, I heard that she and my father considered it only an AA. They expect more out of me…but this was a step and it was important to me. I really wanted them to be there. I asked them 4 months ago if they would come and they said they would.

My dad showed up but I heard that he complained the whole time, saying that this was “much ado about nothing.” That is was “just an AA and a waste of time.”

Well, of course, that hurt.

To top it off, we had planned dinner after my graduation. I overheard my brother begging my mom to come to dinner…to see him. She wouldn’t come to see me. She’s mad at me for saying she was mean to me when she said I took “Dummy Math” to graduate (I took the equivalent of College Algebra which is Applications of College Algebra and is, in fact, sometimes more difficult than College Algebra).

She came to dinner. My celebration dinner consisted of the entire table turning to face my mom (away from me) and me talking to my 4-year-old niece (which is, of course, enjoyable). That hurt. She (my mom) didn’t even tell me congratulations. She said nothing to me.

When I gave out my mother’s day gifts (because I knew I wouldn’t be invited anywhere on Mother’s Day with my Mom), I wasn’t even thanked by my mom. I spent hours and hours on building a scrapbook of her pets (42 pages) for her and she couldn’t say thank you.

I have to say that my graduation celebration sucked.

It’s the first time that I ever wished my mom hadn’t been someplace.

I threw a tantrum in the restaurant. I feel stupid about it now but it is what it is. I was angry at no one paying attention to me at a dinner that was for me. I was angry at being ignored, forgotten, ridiculed, and marginalized. I was angry and hurt for not being accepted by my mother whom I’ve tried to please since the day I was born.

My parents aren’t bad. In fact, they are incredibly supportive of my siblings. I lost that somewhere. Maybe it’s because I’m the first born and the reason they had to get married. Maybe they blame their hardships in life on the fact that I came along. I never really had a mom that was supportive. I’ve always felt like I competed with her. My dad…well…he just does what my mom tells him to do.

I went to talk to him on Tuesday and he says to me (and at this point, I can hear my mother’s voice behind his words), “You need to go back to therapy. You’re too angry.” I’m too angry because I threw a tantrum…because that’s the only way for me to be heard in my family. I’m ignored unless I do something drastic…in a bad way. I’m ignored if my grades are good, if I’m doing well, if I get recognized by others. I’m only noticed when I do something horrible and then they say, “Well, that’s Dawn for you.”

I love them. I want their approval. I know I shouldn’t and I’ve been through so much therapy that I know I will probably never get it…but I still want it.

I love my mom with all that I am but I just can’t afford to be hurt by her anymore. It is damaging me.

Ok…now work has me in a vise grip. I barely have time to breath, let alone write or take pictures.

I miss reading you guys and getting your welcome feedback.

I will return, though. I promise!

Still busy, in the middle of things. However, I did want to drop in and share something with you all.

One of my photographs was accepted into an e-zine online. It’s a great publication and I’m proud to be a part of it.

I’m the very last artist in the row, at the end of the visual artists.