doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
Archive for August, 2004
Friday August 20, 2004
0Randall Jarrell (1914-1965) chose to write about war as a brutalization of the person instead of the destruction of other men. I think this poem is fitting for these times.
Eighth Air Force
If, in an odd angle of the hutment, A puppy laps the water from a can Of flowers, and the drunk sergeant shaving Whistles ‘O Paradiso!’ — shall I say that man Is not as men have said: a wolf to man?
The other murderers troop in yawning; Three of them play Pitch, one sleeps, and one Lies counting missions, lies there sweating Till even his heart beats: One; One; One. ‘O murderers!’…Still this is how it’s done.
This is war…But since these play, before they die, LIke puppies with their puppy; since, a man, I did as these have done, but did not die – I will content the people as I can And give up these to them: Behond the man!
I have suffered, in a dream, because of him, Many things; for this last saviour, man, I have lied as I like now. But what is lying? Men wash their hands,in blood, as best they can: I find no fault in this just man.
something new
07 years ago
by dawn
in just a thought
It’s funny how I can feel more confidence in myself but feel more lost in the world. I want so much more than I have and I’m not sure how to attain it.
—
I think I may take a different turn here. I might get a little more political or a bit more philosophical or even a bit more literary. I just have this urge to write more.
I don’t want to write empty words. I want them to mean something. I want them to touch someone.
—
I will share this:
The Letter
PJ Harvey
Put the pen
To the paper
Press the envelope
With my scent
Can’t you see
In my handwriting
The curve of my g?
The longing
Oh
Who is left
That writes these days?
But you and me
We’ll be different
Take the cap
Off your pen
Wet the envelope
Lick and lick it
Oh
I need you
The time is running out
Oh baby
Can’t you hear me call?
It turns me on
To imagine
Your blue eyes
On my words
Your beautiful pen
Take the cap off
Give me a sign
I’d come running
Oh
It’s you
I want you
Thursday August 19, 2004
0It’s funny how I can feel more confidence in myself but feel more lost in the world. I want so much more than I have and I’m not sure how to attain it.
—
I think I may take a different turn here. I might get a little more political or a bit more philosophical or even a bit more literary. I just have this urge to write more.
I don’t want to write empty words. I want them to mean something. I want them to touch someone.
—
I will share this:
The Letter
PJ Harvey
Put the pen
To the paper
Press the envelope
With my scent
Can’t you see
In my handwriting
The curve of my g?
The longing
Oh
Who is left
That writes these days?
But you and me
We’ll be different
Take the cap
Off your pen
Wet the envelope
Lick and lick it
Oh
I need you
The time is running out
Oh baby
Can’t you hear me call?
It turns me on
To imagine
Your blue eyes
On my words
Your beautiful pen
Take the cap off
Give me a sign
I’d come running
Oh
It’s you
I want you
fine line
0Life is too short to play games when it comes to emotions or matters of the heart. I want to be in a mature, communicative relationship. I won’t do that silly “wait 3 days before calling” thing. I want to move forward.
I think that when you’re getting to know someone, the most difficult part is understanding how he works. Does he want me to probe, learn about his life that way? Does he want me to be patient, listen to the subtle cues he gives? We may come from extremely different backgrounds with diverse experiences and how will that manifest itself in the “getting to know you” stage?
This is where I’m most impatient. I’m an impetuous soul. If I feel something, if I think it will be good for me, if I enjoy it, I will rush in. I want to feel the joy and euphoria. It comes around so seldom that when it does, I want to wrap my arms around it and hold it close. Is this smothering? I suppose it could be. Am I too much? I suppose I could be. When I give myself, I give all of me…good, bad, indifferent. I will give the world.
Sometimes the world is too much.
I teeter on that fine line of patience and impatience. I want to be patient, give time and space. I want to rush in and share joy, though, too.
I’m trying to find out where that line is and what is right to do in my life.
This is not the easiest of lessons.
—
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves … Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~
honestly…
0Honesty is important to me. It’s important to me to the point that it sometimes hurts. I’m the world’s worst liar so I don’t even try to do that. But when you have to tell someone something that you wish you didn’t, that honesty can hurt. It may hurt the other person. It definitely can hurt me.
I don’t like upsetting other people. I don’t like causing drama or anger or upset feelings. It’s upsetting to me. Sometimes, when you have to be honest about something, this can happen. It’s not intentional. It’s not desired. But it happens.
I could wail to the gods that I wish I didn’t have to be this honest, that why is it up to me to share this information. It wouldn’t help, though. It won’t change anything.
So I shed my tears that come from as deep within as there is, straight from the belly of my soul.
And then I dry my face and I try to get past the situation that hurts.
Because, to me, there is little as important as my integrity. And that comes from honesty.
confusion
07 years ago
by dawn
in just a thought
People confuse me.
I don’t understand them very well.
I’m not sure if that is because of their actions or because I’m socially inept.
The sad fact is, though, that I just don’t understand and it leaves me confused, vulnerable, hurt, and lost.
confidence
0I’m feeling more confidence, I think. No. I know I’m feeling more confidence. I’m feeling more at ease in my own skin. I”m feeling more self-assured.
I’m feeling more sexy.
I’m feeling more beautiful.
I don’t know why these things are happening except that they are and I’m enjoying it. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. I mean, a VERY LONG time. I probably haven’t felt this way about myself since my very early 20s…long before my life changed and I changed and the world around me shifted.
I walk with confidence. I smile more. I take delight in being appealing but in subtle ways. I still don’t wear makeup and I still don’t dress in short little mini-skirts. But I feel pretty.
—
Every day, I walk. I take a break from work in the morning, before it gets too hot and again in the afternoon, when it clouds over, and I walk around the campus. Four laps around is a mile. I put on my headphones, crank up the mp3s and I walk to the beat.
Along the backside, where no one parks and no one is visible, I tend to let loose. I dance. My steps change, my body moves with the rhythm, my hands move to the beat, I sing out loud. I enjoy the feel of being out and enjoying my time.
I found out, however, that security often sees me doing my little dances. They see me on the cameras. They tease me.
I can’t stop, though.
It FEELS good.
I don’t want that to ever stop.
Wednesday August 11, 2004
0I’m feeling more confidence, I think. No. I know I’m feeling more confidence. I’m feeling more at ease in my own skin. I”m feeling more self-assured.
I’m feeling more sexy.
I’m feeling more beautiful.
I don’t know why these things are happening except that they are and I’m enjoying it. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. I mean, a VERY LONG time. I probably haven’t felt this way about myself since my very early 20s…long before my life changed and I changed and the world around me shifted.
I walk with confidence. I smile more. I take delight in being appealing but in subtle ways. I still don’t wear makeup and I still don’t dress in short little mini-skirts. But I feel pretty.
—
Every day, I walk. I take a break from work in the morning, before it gets too hot and again in the afternoon, when it clouds over, and I walk around the campus. Four laps around is a mile. I put on my headphones, crank up the mp3s and I walk to the beat.
Along the backside, where no one parks and no one is visible, I tend to let loose. I dance. My steps change, my body moves with the rhythm, my hands move to the beat, I sing out loud. I enjoy the feel of being out and enjoying my time.
I found out, however, that security often sees me doing my little dances. 
They see me on the cameras. They tease me.
I can’t stop, though.
It FEELS good.
I don’t want that to ever stop.
uhhhh…
0I’m on Yahoo and some man that I’ve talked to in the past writes to me. We’ve only have very generic, very casual discussions about life (mostly cameras). Today, he writes and says:
you ah the object of my affections
so bend over the table young lady…take a deep breath
Ummmm…do men REALLY think this is how to get a woman prone and excited?
Then he comes back and says to me:
yer not in a room
yikes i’m cyber stalking you?!
Uhhh…nope, I don’t chat in Yahoo rooms usually. I try not to be THAT accessible. Heh. If I want you to find me, you will.
Another man, from bondage.com, writes to me today and says only this:
ticklish, hon?
That’s it. I’ve never spoken to this man in my life. He doesn’t even say hello. Am I ticklish? Why? Are you going to reach across 500 miles and tickle me?
*rolling my eyes*
Right.
Tuesday August 3, 2004
0I was listening to NPR on the way into work today (not like this is some special event…I listen to NPR EVERY morning on my way into work) and they had a segment on leisure and laziness…and how Americans don’t really use their leisure/vacation time well.
Yesterday, on my way home, I was talking to my sister. I told her that since I didn’t have kids, didn’t have anything to really tie me down (except my house), that I’m going to start planning big trips every year. Every year, I’m going to travel somewhere that I’ve always wanted to go…whether it’s overseas or just within this country.
I could totally hear it in her voice: she thinks that I shouldn’t do this. She thinks that I should be happy with staying home, that I should be like the rest of the family.
I’m not, though. One of the things I love best is to travel, to see new things, to experience new adventures.
I am hoping I get to go to Germany over the winter holiday break. That’s my ultimate goal right now. However, depending on the connections I have there, we’ll see how it goes.
I don’t mind traveling alone. There are only a few places I wouldn’t go alone…and mostly because I’m a big chicken. heh. I wouldn’t go to NYC alone…even though I would LOVE to visit it. I wouldn’t go to Egypt alone (well, for obvious reasons…I shouldn’t go there alone).
There are so many places I want to experience. There are so many things I want to do. If I don’t make that decision, then it won’t come to fruition. So, there…I’ve said it in public. I have to make it happen now.
Right?