Archive for December, 2004

Sunday December 12, 2004

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birthday celebrations

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My birthday was AWESOME!  It was probably the best birthday I’ve had in years.  I had so much fun. (Thanks lili and Mallaidh for the birthday wishes!)

Yesterday morning, my coworker and friend, Elizabeth, called me at 7 a.m. to wish me a happy birthday.

“Hello?” I answer groggily (even though I had already been up for over an hour).  My theory is if work calls, answer as if they’ve just woken you up.  It gives you an excuse for not remembering things.  Whee!
“Dawn?  Are you awake?  You said you always wake up early.”
“Ummmmm….” me, thinking fast.
“Yeah…I was asleep but it’s cool.  What’s up?”
“I wanted to wish you a happy birthday!”
“Oh…thanks!  How cool of you!”  I’m smiling now.  She remembered.  Very cool.

We talked a bit more, confirmed our plans for later, and hung up.

Jonathan sent me an e-mail and then made a post to a place we frequent online.  I’m not sure he even understands how much it meant to me that he took the time to do both of those things AND remembered my birthday.

I get an e-mail from miss cathelin and an e-mail from an old friend, Steve, whose birthday is also on the same day (he turned 40).  Both make me smile.

I’m so used to being forgotten and  important people in my life remembered me before 10 a.m.

My brother, Todd, called to wish me a happy birthday.  We talked for a bit.  I nearly started crying when I told him thank you for remembering and taking time out of his day to call me.

I went over to pick up Willow for our Friday playdate.  Shadow is rushing out to empty the trash before Justice’s speech therapist shows up.

“Uhhh…happy birthday!”

I chuckle.  “Thanks.”  I proceed into the house where my beautiful girl looks like she’s been run over by a truck.  She has a fever and a pretty bad headache.  Sometimes she’s so much like me it hurts…even to the point of where she suffers from similar ailments.  I’ve lived with chronic headaches my whole life. 
A day without a headache is unknown to me.

“Would you rather stay home?” 
She shakes her head.  I know she’s feeling poorly but she wants to go anyway.

We end up going for some “Not so hot” hot chocolate (a local drive-through coffee shop makes this especially for kids complete with a straw and a whipped cream decoration on said straw…which pleases miss Willow to no end).  Then we went to the library, read a few books, and put together a few puzzles.  She was feeling much better at this point (after some children’s Motrin).

Then we went back to her house, loaded everyone up (Shadow, Justice, Willow, and me) in the car, and headed over to San Felipe’s
for dinner and drinks with friends and family. 

My coworker and friend, Nancy showed up.  That was a treat because she doesn’t go out much and that she came out for me, tells me a lot.  She said, “You rank.” :-)


Nancy and lillynn
Elizabeth brought her boyfriend, Joden, her mom, Karen, and her daughter, Adrian.


Joden, Elizabeth, and Karen

The waitress comes up and everyone tells her that it’s my birthday.  She says, “Oh, you get a free shot!”

I’m all happy.  I say, “I’ll take tequila.”
“Oh, no.  You get a blowjob!”
“I like those!”
Everyone laughs because it comes out kind of funny.  I blush (of course!).
“Well, I mean…I like the drink.  But…well…you know…the other isn’t so bad, either.” 
Heh.

The blowjob comes and Willow wants the whipped cream (she’s a whipped cream fanatic).  So, I don’t get to drink it in the custom that we’ve all shared (picking up the shot glass with your mouth and downing the entire drink, whipped cream and all, in one swallow).  Willow whispers in my ear, “I tasted the blowjob!  It was good!”

I giggle.  Of course.

More drinks are ordered (I got a yummy mango margarita — yes, yes…totally a girlie drink.  I’m a girlie, what can I say?).

Food is ordered and delivered.  I got a grilled fish taco and a chicken enchilada.  Willow, as you can see, got a cheese crisp.  Justice got rice and beans.


Willow and Justice

Then, as we were getting ready to eat, my sister, Dusty, brother-in-law, Robert, and their two babies, Kooper and Lillynn, came in.  I was overjoyed.  I don’t think they know how much I wanted them to be there.  Kooper was decked out in a little leather biker jacket that made him look like a miniature Sha-Na-Na person.  It made me giggle more (I’m sure the alcohol didn’t hurt…me being the lightweight that I am!).


Kooper and Lillynn

We all ate.  Then, the waitress brought out some crazy dessert that had LOT’S of whipped cream (yes, Willow was VERY excited!).  They all sang happy birthday.  Willow slides on to my lap and swipes the cherry before I can take it.  *laugh*  She cracks me up.  Then she proceeds to work at tying the stem into a knot.  The girl cannot be 5 years old.  I swear.

My brother and sister are tired at this point and it’s past the kids’ bedtimes so they all leave.  Nancy heads home.  Elizabeth and her family and I all go to a little shop that has all kinds of fun stuff in it.  I get a pretty purple corset and a cool bracelet.  Elizabeth gets some funky-fun pink and black high heels.

Then we go to play some pool at Uptown Billards (a totally non-smoking bar/venue…what a relief!).  Joden tells me that they have more import beers than most anywhere in town (and this is a drinking town!).  They even have a good pear cider on tap.

Joden and I play three games of pool and everyone is getting tired at that point (except me…I’m bouncing off of walls).

We say goodnight.  I drive home with my stereo cranked, singing at the top of my lungs.  I get home, call Jonathan and be the birthday brat girl for an hour or so while we talk. 

I order my plane ticket to visit him in Vancouver over the holiday break (YES!!!  I’m going back!).

And we say goodnight.  I slip into bed with a very happy smile on my face.

It was a GOOD day.

Scratch that.

It was a GREAT day.

Saturday December 11, 2004

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My birthday was AWESOME!  It was probably the best birthday I’ve had in years.  I had so much fun. (Thanks lili and Mallaidh for the birthday wishes!)

Yesterday morning, my coworker and friend, Elizabeth, called me at 7 a.m. to wish me a happy birthday.

“Hello?” I answer groggily (even though I had already been up for over an hour).  My theory is if work calls, answer as if they’ve just woken you up.  It gives you an excuse for not remembering things.  Whee!
“Dawn?  Are you awake?  You said you always wake up early.”
“Ummmmm….” me, thinking fast.
“Yeah…I was asleep but it’s cool.  What’s up?”
“I wanted to wish you a happy birthday!”
“Oh…thanks!  How cool of you!”  I’m smiling now.  She remembered.  Very cool.

We talked a bit more, confirmed our plans for later, and hung up.

Jonathan sent me an e-mail and then made a post to a place we frequent online.  I’m not sure he even understands how much it meant to me that he took the time to do both of those things AND remembered my birthday.

I get an e-mail from miss cathelin and an e-mail from an old friend, Steve, whose birthday is also on the same day (he turned 40).  Both make me smile.

I’m so used to being forgotten and  important people in my life remembered me before 10 a.m.

My brother, Todd, called to wish me a happy birthday.  We talked for a bit.  I nearly started crying when I told him thank you for remembering and taking time out of his day to call me.

I went over to pick up Willow for our Friday playdate.  Shadow is rushing out to empty the trash before Justice’s speech therapist shows up.

“Uhhh…happy birthday!”

I chuckle.  “Thanks.”  I proceed into the house where my beautiful girl looks like she’s been run over by a truck.  She has a fever and a pretty bad headache.  Sometimes she’s so much like me it hurts…even to the point of where she suffers from similar ailments.  I’ve lived with chronic headaches my whole life.  A day without a headache is unknown to me.

“Would you rather stay home?” 
She shakes her head.  I know she’s feeling poorly but she wants to go anyway.

We end up going for some “Not so hot” hot chocolate (a local drive-through coffee shop makes this especially for kids complete with a straw and a whipped cream decoration on said straw…which pleases miss Willow to no end).  Then we went to the library, read a few books, and put together a few puzzles.  She was feeling much better at this point (after some children’s Motrin).

Then we went back to her house, loaded everyone up (Shadow, Justice, Willow, and me) in the car, and headed over to San Felipe’s for dinner and drinks with friends and family. 

My coworker and friend, Nancy showed up.  That was a treat because she doesn’t go out much and that she came out for me, tells me a lot.  She said, “You rank.” 


Nancy & lillynn

Elizabeth brought her boyfriend, Joden, her mom, Karen, and her daughter, Adrian.


Joden, Elizabeth, and Karen

The waitress comes up and everyone tells her that it’s my birthday.  She says, “Oh, you get a free shot!”

I’m all happy.  I say, “I’ll take tequila.”
“Oh, no.  You get a blowjob!”
“I like those!”
Everyone laughs because it comes out kind of funny.  I blush (of course!).
“Well, I mean…I like the drink.  But…well…you know…the other isn’t so bad, either.” 
Heh.

The blowjob comes and Willow wants the whipped cream (she’s a whipped cream fanatic).  So, I don’t get to drink it in the custom that we’ve all shared (picking up the shot glass with your mouth and downing the entire drink, whipped cream and all, in one swallow).  Willow whispers in my ear, “I tasted the blowjob!  It was good!”

I giggle.  Of course.

More drinks are ordered (I got a yummy mango margarita — yes, yes…totally a girlie drink.  I’m a girlie, what can I say?).

Food is ordered and delivered.  I got a grilled fish taco and a chicken enchilada.  Willow, as you can see, got a cheese crisp.  Justice got rice and beans.


Willow and Justice
Then, as we were getting ready to eat, my sister, Dusty, brother-in-law, Robert, and their two babies, Kooper and Lillynn, came in.  I was overjoyed.  I don’t think they know how much I wanted them to be there.  Kooper was decked out in a little leather biker jacket that made him look like a miniature Sha-Na-Na person.  It made me giggle more (I’m sure the alcohol didn’t hurt…me being the lightweight that I am!).


Kooper and Lillynn

We all ate.  Then, the waitress brought out some crazy dessert that had LOT’S of whipped cream (yes, Willow was VERY excited!).  They all sang happy birthday.  Willow slides on to my lap and swipes the cherry before I can take it.  *laugh*  She cracks me up.  Then she proceeds to work at tying the stem into a knot.  The girl cannot be 5 years old.  I swear.

My brother and sister are tired at this point and it’s past the kids’ bedtimes so they all leave.  Nancy heads home.  Elizabeth and her family and I all go to a little shop that has all kinds of fun stuff in it.  I get a pretty purple corset and a cool bracelet.  Elizabeth gets some funky-fun pink and black high heels.

Then we go to play some pool at Uptown Billards (a totally non-smoking bar/venue…what a relief!).  Joden tells me that they have more import beers than most anywhere in town (and this is a drinking town!).  They even have a good pear cider on tap.

Joden and I play three games of pool and everyone is getting tired at that point (except me…I’m bouncing off of walls).

We say goodnight.  I drive home with my stereo cranked, singing at the top of my lungs.  I get home, call Jonathan and be the birthday brat girl for an hour or so while we talk. 

I order my plane ticket to visit him in Vancouver over the holiday break (YES!!!  I’m going back!).

And we say goodnight.  I slip into bed with a very happy smile on my face.

It was a GOOD day.

Scratch that.

It was a GREAT day.

the girls

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When I found out that my sister was going to have a little girl, I was excited.  Another girl.  I’ve said this before.  I love the boys but there is something about the girls that touches me.

She has a loud voice.  When she is upset, you know it.  She’s unlike any of the other babies.  She is very vocal whereas the others tend to be a bit more quiet.  They cry and throw tantrums but nothing like her.

I have a feeling that she is going to be one of those kids that always gets your attention.

I don’t know her well.  She is Kooper’s sister and, like Kooper, I don’t see her much.  Granted, she’s only a month and a half old, too.  I hope that changes.


Miss Willow and her cousin Lillynn

Friday December 10, 2004

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When I found out that my sister was going to have a little girl, I was excited.  Another girl.  I’ve said this before.  I love the boys but there is something about the girls that touches me.

She has a loud voice.  When she is upset, you know it.  She’s unlike any of the other babies.  She is very vocal whereas the others tend to be a bit more quiet.  They cry and throw tantrums but nothing like her.

I have a feeling that she is going to be one of those kids that always gets your attention.

I don’t know her well.  She is Kooper’s sister and, like Kooper, I don’t see her much.  Granted, she’s only a month and a half old, too.  I hope that changes.


Miss Willow and her cousin Lillynn

justice

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A year ago, my family was dealing with Justice’s open heart surgery.  He had his surgery in October and by December, he was still on oxygen but healing very well.  He had color in his cheeks and he was so much more alert than he had been for the previous 6 months of his life.

Justice was that miracle baby that was required to come into our lives to teach us a lesson.  I truly believe that he came into our lives to teach us about unconditional love and tolerance on such a different scale than we had every experienced it before.

In the last year, I have watched a beautiful baby who touched my heart every time I saw him grow into an amazing toddler that astounds his therapists, his parents, and all of us who love him.

Justice loves kisses.  I ask him if I can kiss him and he leans towards me, opening his mouth in that baby way of giving kisses.  He presses into me and I soak up the baby love.  And when we pull away, he never fails to give me the biggest smile.  You can see the joy that the kiss brings.  It is palpable.

My heart fills to exploding at those moments.

He had his first birthday and had his own cake that he shared with his sister, Willow, and his cousin, Kooper.

He experienced his first Buddy Walk in Phoenix in October.  People loved him and wanted to talk to him.

He has taken his first steps.  He is so proud of himself and we, too, are proud of him.

With his beautiful blue eyes, sweet personality and open arms, Justice has taught me about love and family and joy in more ways than anyone else ever could.


Justice in October

Thursday December 9, 2004

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A year ago, my family was dealing with Justice’s open heart surgery.  He had his surgery in October and by December, he was still on oxygen but healing very well.  He had color in his cheeks and he was so much more alert than he had been for the previous 6 months of his life.

Justice was that miracle baby that was required to come into our lives to teach us a lesson.  I truly believe that he came into our lives to teach us about unconditional love and tolerance on such a different scale than we had every experienced it before.

In the last year, I have watched a beautiful baby who touched my heart every time I saw him grow into an amazing toddler that astounds his therapists, his parents, and all of us who love him.

Justice loves kisses.  I ask him if I can kiss him and he leans towards me, opening his mouth in that baby way of giving kisses.  He presses into me and I soak up the baby love.  And when we pull away, he never fails to give me the biggest smile.  You can see the joy that the kiss brings.  It is palpable.

My heart fills to exploding at those moments.

He had his first birthday and had his own cake that he shared with his sister, Willow, and his cousin, Kooper.

He experienced his first Buddy Walk in Phoenix in October.  People loved him and wanted to talk to him.

He has taken his first steps.  He is so proud of himself and we, too, are proud of him.

With his beautiful blue eyes, sweet personality and open arms, Justice has taught me about love and family and joy in more ways than anyone else ever could.


Justice in October

need

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I recently read somewhere that one of the most impactful human needs is the need to be needed, loved, desired, wanted, etc. (Yes, yes, I remember my Maslow’s hierarchy of need studies.)

Sometimes, for me, it’s more of not being invisible. I feel invisible all of the time. Once we get beyond the invisible issue, then I deal with the need to be wanted. I feel forgotten a lot.

I know a lot of this goes to childhood. I was the overachiever and had to continually do more and better in order to get noticed. I had a brother who took it the other way and did every bad thing he could think of to get attention (and he usually got more because of it).

As I did my devotional this morning, I was thinking about this and the words that I’m speaking aloud. I have pondered over these words in the past and I will probably do so in the future, as well.

I am learning to believe that when I venture out, when I take a chance, that I can go and be free and still know there is a safe place for me to return if I become fearful or worried.
I am learning that I’m not alone.

I am learning to believe. It’s not easy. I have moments of so much self-doubt, of wondering where I belong and if I’m important and if there really is a safe place or if I am alone. Sometimes I have to ask to know if I’m important because I don’t read the signs well. I don’t seem to understand the same things that people do in that regard.

The line that has been meaning the most for me lately is this one:

I am learning to be calm.

I’m trying so hard to learn to be calm. I’m trying so hard not to let that panic rise within me and make me completely irrational. I’m working diligently on this. I’m trying to find other outlets to stop it from rising and to allow me to be calm. That’s so much harder said than done.

I look at my life as a work in progress. Everyday I endeavor to do better and be better.

Some days I do this better than others.

kooper

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Some of you have been reading my writing for quite a while and were here when I had the great joy of being present at the birth of my nephew, Kooper.

I don’t know Kooper well.  He lives 5 miles from me and I have seen him maybe 20 times in his 2 years on this earth.

It’s a situation that I wish I could remedy but there are other forces at work and much of it is beyond my control.

It makes me sad, though, because Kooper is a beautiful, amazing little boy.  He smiles and flirts and teases like a boy quite a bit older.  He has amazing dimples.  He is incredibly shy until he feels safe and then he’s the most gregarious person I’ve ever seen.

Last Solstice, Justice was still a very small baby.  When he would cry, Kooper would become alarmed and rush over to Justice to comfort him.  He would kiss his face and hug him.

It was one of the most endearing things I’ve ever seen.

He’s a beautiful boy.


Kooper in October at a local park

Wednesday December 8, 2004

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Some of you have been reading my writing for quite a while and were here when I had the great joy of being present at the birth of my nephew, Kooper.

I don’t know Kooper well.  He lives 5 miles from me and I have seen him maybe 20 times in his 2 years on this earth.

It’s a situation that I wish I could remedy but there are other forces at work and much of it is beyond my control.

It makes me sad, though, because Kooper is a beautiful, amazing little boy.  He smiles and flirts and teases like a boy quite a bit older.  He has amazing dimples.  He is incredibly shy until he feels safe and then he’s the most gregarious person I’ve ever seen.

Last Solstice, Justice was still a very small baby.  When he would cry, Kooper would become alarmed and rush over to Justice to comfort him.  He would kiss his face and hug him.

It was one of the most endearing things I’ve ever seen.

He’s a beautiful boy.


Kooper in October at a local park

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