I was thinking about this most of last night after we got off the phone. I was thinking about how I thought about friendship and wanting to ensure that you would still be in my life as a friend even if nothing else worked out. I wanted to preserve our relationship in at least one form.

Was that an expectation? I suppose in a way it was.

And maybe because it was an expectation, I pushed it hard so that the relationship could be retained.

So, what would have been changed had I come in looking for something more?

I think it would have started with the phone call while I was packing. You asked me what I was bringing. I said, flippantly, “clothes.” I gave you a few brief descriptions but I think, overall, I should have been more forthcoming and really talked to you about it to see what you would have liked me to bring.

The next thing I would have changed would have been the moment we met. You came up to me and then took my bags and put them down to hug me. I think I held back a little. Then when you did hug me, I let go far earlier than you did. You told me to hug you, that you weren’t done. I said, again flippantly, that “maybe I am.”

Bad start. I treated it as a joke, as a comraderie.

I should have given myself over to you for that hug. I think it would have set the stage for something vastly different. I think it would have defined, for me, where I was, who I was, and where things could potentially go. I think it would have given me a strong foundation to build things upon.

That first night I was full of teasing and joking. Granted, much of it was from nervousness but it set the parameters for what was to come.

You said to me that you don’t want to have the same relationship with me that I have with my brothers. I don’t want that, either. I have a friendship, a comraderie with my brothers. They would be my buddies if they weren’t my brothers. With you, I want something so much deeper. I want to allow myself to trust you even more than I would trust them. I want to allow myself to open myself to different experiences that I’ve never had with anyone else.

I think with the two examples from above, that I set up the boundaries to hamper that route.

I regret that now.