I often consider myself damaged. I’ve been willing to accept a lot of conditioning from other people who have been in my life and this has left me with some weird issues that I need to overcome. The perfectionism and abandonment are two of those issues that I have discussed before. I think there are others that aren’t as serious but still impact my life in strange ways.

I have trouble saying certain words. I’ve spoken about my issue with saying the word “cunt.” I’m getting better at writing it but I still have trouble saying it. I have trouble talking about my fantasies unless I’m so completely comfortable with someone and feel like they wouldn’t project their own issues on to me about them.

I think, though, that these all come back to the very same issues. If I can’t say something perfectly, why say it? I may be ridiculed for it.

I avoid these things because I know that I can’t be perfect in them. I know that I will falter and trip and feel stupid. I know that I’m taking a chance and asking someone at the other end to recognize that vulnerability and not hurt me.

This isn’t what I meant to write about today but I think that it’s foremost on my mind because I want to take a chance. I want to be vulnerable and have that be ok. I want to bare myself and reach out to that person who is holding out a hand.

I am learning to trust.