I am learning to trust.

I learned a lesson yesterday in a very gentle and affirming way.

I didn’t need to be hit over the head with this lesson. I didn’t need to hear that I’m being silly or that I’m being ridiculous or that I’m being stubborn. I’m dealing with some very real self-image issues that have barred me from living life to its fullest. I’m dealing with issues that are steeped in heavy baggage from the past.

I needed to hear the words, “I understand.”

I needed to hear the tone that was patient and kind.

I heard kindness. I heard patience and understanding.

I heard “trust me.”

Trust.

My hands start to shake. My stomach starts to churn. I’m thinking a mile a minute of how to get out of this situation. Normally.

You want me to do what?

Trust me.

It was implied. It wasn’t blatant.

I didn’t run. I didn’t shake.

I heard it. For the first time in a long time, I felt it. I can trust this person. I won’t be hurt.

The most profound thing I learned is that when someone reaches out in sincerity and asks you to trust, they are taking a chance, too. They are saying, “I believe in you. I trust you.” They are making themselves vulnerable. They are putting themselves on the line.

I can either take the hand offered to me and move forward or I can perpetuate the distrust and, perhaps, cause the other person to feel a little of that as well.

I would rather be someone who stops a cycle. I would rather move in a positive direction. Where there was one saying, “trust me,” now there can be two.

A strong hand reached out to me.

I chose to take it.

—

As I was writing this, I kept hearing a song in my head (which is not abnormal…music plays a big part in my life). While all of the lyrics may not match, it strikes me that much of this path of discovery is mirrored in this song.

The Power of Love
Indigo Girls

guess i wasn’t the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love’s glass
to see the shiny toy i’ve been hoping for
the one i never can afford
the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside her

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they’re true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there’s now one there will be two

i was born under the sign of cancer
(love will come to you)
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come)
i’m always closing my eyes and wishing i’m fine
(i close my eyes and wish you fine)
even though i know i’m not this time
(even though i know your not this time)

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they’re true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there’s now one there will be two

dodging your memories a field of knives
always on the outside looking in on other’s lives

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they’re true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
(i have offered up to you)
where there’s now one there will be two

and i wish her insight to battle love’s blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters