Archive for January, 2005

I was talking to a therapist friend recently. I was telling her about how my past is creating difficulties in my current relationship. She had me do an exercise that is based in Imago Therapy.

First, I had to write 5 things that I disliked about my parents:

They yelled.

They spanked us with things that left welts and bruises.

They didn’t hug us much.

They were distant.

They criticized a lot.

Then I had to write out 5 things that I liked or loved about them:

They took us camping a lot.

They taught us the importance of family.

They were the parents our friends loved and trusted.

They were there when needed.

They made the best out of bad situations.

Then I had to remember one wonderful memory in my life and what made it wonderful:

I was riding a bicycle-built-for-two with my brother, Todd, at the KOA Campground where we were living out of a van. It cost $1.00 for 1 hour and that money was not easy to come by. We were able to get it and we rode and rode and rode. We laughed. We had so much fun. For that one hour, I was free.

Then I had to write what I did, as a child, when I was scared or worried:

I would hide in my bedroom, usually with a book, and usually under the blankets.

I then went back and put sentences in front of the groups and labeled my answers:

I’m looking for someone who is:

They yelled. (loud)

They spanked us with things that left welts and bruises. (controlling)

They didn’t hug us much. (withholds affection)

They were distant. (distant)

They criticized a lot. (critical)

So that I can make him:

They took us camping a lot. (open to closeness)

They taught us the importance of family. (family-oriented)

They were the parents our friends loved and trusted. (cool or well-liked)

They were there when needed. (available and dependable)

They made the best out of bad situations. (optimistic)

So I can feel:
Free.

I keep myself from feeling free by:
Hiding.

So, what this does is tell you what sort of things you look for in others that you surround yourself with. It also can show you what kinds of things are triggers to issues. In the past, I surrounded myself with domineering men who were just like my parents: loud, controlling, withheld affection, distant and critical.

Suzanne said that certain types of relationships are my healthy way of dealing with the controlling issue…that they allow me to allow control into my life without it being detrimental to my health.

I hide behind things. Gaining weight, being distant from others, living outside of town, etc., are all ways to hide.

So, she told me that I need to open myself to being free. That I really need to want it. Once I do that, I can let go of the fears that force me to hide.

She suggested that I cognitively assess the things that trigger my fears: perceived criticism, touching in certain ways (like the pen or the playful slap), perceived abandonment. Then, she said that I should created mantras for myself (or include this in my devotional) to combat these things. For instance, “When someone gives me his preference, it does not necessarily mean that it’s a criticism.”

She said that by reminding myself of these things, I will start to believe in them. I will believe that a voice can be raised and it doesn’t mean I’ll be hurt. Someone can express his preference and I won’t feel criticized. I can be touched and it doesn’t mean I’m going to be beaten up and hurt.

It was good to talk to her. I felt like she understood where I was coming from and really wanted to give me some positive tools to get past this block.