Archive for October, 2005
trumpeting beauty
Oct 27th
He said that he’d like to see me blossom, become more comfortable around people. He wanted me to come out of my shell, expose myself a little more.
I wonder if he understood how difficult that was for me. I wonder if he understood what trust meant or the power of the words he said to me. I wonder if he realized, then, that I wanted to blossom if only to make him smile…and maybe make myself smile, too.
I reached out to him, wanting to blossom beneath his gaze. I wanted to watch him watch me open up.
I wonder if he understood that without nurturing care, it’s difficult to blossom. When you pour harsh words over struggling petals, they want to curl back inward and close up again. I wondered, again, if he understood the power of his words.
–
In May, I lost a job. In June, I lost a friend and someone I thought I’d have a future with. In September, I got cancer. I gained weight. I became depressed. I lost track of me.
In May, I got a job. In August I started graduate school. In October, I got a better job. I started working out again. I went out with friends (and even invited 20 or so over to my hermit cave for a BBQ). I realized that I had never lost me but that I had scurried back into that cocoon where I feel safe.
–
I could wallow. I could say “why me?”
And I came *that* close to doing just that. The cancer was the final straw. I couldn’t take anymore. I was tired and scared and felt alone. The physical pain diminshed but the emotional pain would not leave.
I came *that* close to screwing things up. I lost sight of what is important to me because I wanted to stay in the warmth of that cocoon.
A funny thing happened, though. I realized that I wasn’t alone.
I’ve said, over and over, how much my brothers are always there for me. And they didn’t disappoint me this time. They are my foundation.
But there is more. People I have never met reached out and gave me strength, let me know they were thinking of me.
People I had just met in the last few months reached out, letting me know that they were there for me, to help me. My student workers were amazing – sending me thoughtful e-mails, giving me a card, offering to pick things up at the store for me.
People called…just to see how I was.
My professors have been amazing. Supportive, encouraging, and patient with me in my recovery.
I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring. I call myself anti-social. I tell people that I don’t like people much – mostly because I don’t understand people much. Partly because I don’t know who to trust. Partly because I want to trust everyone. Partly because they scare me. Partly because I want them to love me.
–
I’m done. I can’t allow the pain, emotional or physical, to stop me from living, to stop me from reaching goals that I set for myself 25 years ago.
–
I want to say to him, “Look at me. I am blossoming. Life may drench me in rain and then scorch me in heat but I survive. I push through and open my petals to the experiences.”
I want to say to him, “Don’t hide away from the world. Embrace it yourself. Open yourself up to new experiences. Trust that people will stay by your side even when you push them away.”
And I want to say to him, “Be careful with what you say. Your words have power. They mean something.”
And I want to wish him the glory of life. And I want to wish him joy. And I want to wish him peace.
clarification
Oct 12th
I feel like I need to explain myself on subjects all of the time. I wonder, sometimes, if I’m speaking the same language.
Yesterday, in class, I made a comment about the interesting gender-related correlation between the four books we had read in class. I did not say ALL books are written this way nor did I say that I believe that men or women write in a certain way. I simply said that between the four books that we’ve read so far, they seem to fall within certain categories. The two men have written sparse and to-the-point books. In fact, the men’s books were both substantially shorter than the womens’. The women seem to write in a more conversational tone.
However, the moment I said that, someone commented that she didn’t believe that all writers are like this.
I didn’t say all writers. I was making a comment on the four books we had read.
–
I wrote about monogamy because I seem to be facing this issue a lot in the last few years. I’m not sure if it’s the men I’m meeting, our ages, or me. I don’t know. So I put it out here so I can think about it.
I keep meeting men (or getting involved with men) who tell me how unnatural monogamy is or how they can’t possibly be expected to lead a monogamous life.
Okay, that’s fine. If it doesn’t work for them, I understand.
However, it works for me…and I’m being asked to compromise myself if I want to be in a relationship.
These aren’t, obviously, the right relationships for me. I just start to wonder why I attract men who don’t have the same desires that I have. I start to question myself.
–
My brother said something wise to me a few months ago. I was telling him that I was worried I’d be alone for the rest of my life.
I had just come out of a relationship and I was sad. I had just been told that my weight was an issue. I had been told that my personality traits were bothersome (not the exact words but I’m trying to be kind to myself). I wasn’t feeling very good about things.
My brother stopped me before I continued.
“Dawn. You work full-time. You’re going to grad school full-time. These are both things that most people do one at a time and you’re doing them at the same time. Concentrate on the things that matter to you now. The rest will come later.”
And he’s right. My school is more important to me than anything else right now. My job pays the bills so I can go to school. I know he’s right.
It would just be nice to share this with someone. It’s an exciting time in my life and I’d like to share it.
emotional masochism
Oct 11th
In one of my classes, we are reading Name All the Animals by Alison Smith. Our instructor brought up the topic of people reading certain books for the emotions they evoke.
It made me think of the conversation between my friend and me last night.
We were discussing TV shows. What kinds of TV shows do we watch? I watch shows that tend to make me cry. There is a release that comes from the build up of emotion over the course of an hour’s worth of television and at the end, I’m able to purge that heavy load that is sitting within me.
I worry over the characters. I fret that they may not do what is necessary to get out of the predicaments they are in. I want to help them to safety.
Of course, logically, I know it’s a television show. I know that the characters will survive because, otherwise, there wouldn’t be a program.
However, take a show like Lost. They actually kill off main characters on that show. If I get involved with that character and that is the person that is killed, I’m hurt by that.
And yet, I keep going back to the programs. I keep going back to books that tear me up from the inside out. I keep going to movies that will hurt my heart. I listen to those NPR and This American Life programs that make me want to sob.
Why do we do that? Why do we poke at that soft spot in our heart?
As I said yesterday, I poke because it makes me feel and even that hurt feels good.
So I wonder. Is this self-flagellation with emotional materials? Am I beating myself until my heart cries? Am I purging? Am I feeling some sort of spiritual or omni-presence descending over me as I poke?
I like the crying. It makes me feel good. I hurt during that hour and then I’m freed.
Caged and released, time and again, watching and reading and listening.
around and around and…
Oct 10th
“In fucking, one’s insides are on the line; and the fragile and unique intimacy of going for broke makes communion possible, in human reach–not transcendental and otherworldly, but an experience in flesh of love.”
~ Andrea Dworkin ~ Intercourse ~
My brain is in overdrive right now. I’m thinking (maybe over-thinking?) the issue of sexual politics. Things may not come out coherently because I’m thinking about so many different things right now.
Let me give you some background.
Last week I was speaking with a friend through e-mail. She was telling me how she had met a man outside of her marriage and how she had to do it secretively. I also remember how she has written that she has had affairs outside of her marriages.
I was jealous of that freedom. I’m a single woman who is free to do as she pleases and yet I was jealous of a woman who is married and having affairs.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was hiking with a friend. We were discussing sexuality and monogamy and needs and fulfillment. He asked me if I knew about Sonia Johnson (I have her book, The Ship that Sailed Into the Living Room). And we discussed her views on monogamy.
I would say I’m a monogamous person. When I’ve been confronted with an open relationship or had to share in a relationship, I inevitably feel left out. I feel like the “lesser than” piece of the equation. It hurts. I don’t feel secure.
I seek monogamy for security. I seek it to feel like I matter…to one other person than myself.
I want a place in this world.
Yeah, it sounds like low self-esteem. I know. But really…I just want to be the center of attention for some time…to be the only one who gets that attention. It would be nice to feel that for once.
Or maybe it is self-esteem and I just don’t feel good enough for someone. And is that my problem? Should I be open to non-monogamous relationships?
But I’m starting to question myself. Maybe monogamy is too much to ask for. A friend told me that men want to make a choice…to not feel controlled in a situation. I can understand that. And because I want to feel like I matter, I push myself to believe I can be a part of a world that is not monogamous…even though every bone in my body screams “NO.”
*sigh*
Today, I was having a conversation with an old friend about Foucault’s repressive hypothesis and Andrea Dworkin’s views on sexuality. It is intense and lasts most of the day.
I’m not a huge fan of either Sonia Johnson or Andrea Dworkin because they tend to promote separatist views (men are not needed nor desired and women should – according to Dworkin – even create their own nation-state). While both write beautifully (and I appreciate that about them), I don’t really like their form of feminism.
And then…yeah…there’s the whole feminisim thing. I called myself a feminist long ago (my late teens and early 20s). I worked in Planned Parenthood, assisting with the abortion clinics. I was the local chapter president of NOW (until I quit because the state chapter president believed in separatism). I worked with pro-choice groups. I worked on the campaign of a pro-choice congressional representative and a senatorial representative.
And then I read Alice Walker’s discussion on being a womanist and I thought…oh, this is so much more inclusive. I like that.
And then, I thought that “humanist” (if one must have labels) fit me better. I want equality for all…not just men, not just women, not just whites or African Americans or straights or gays. Everyone. Humanist.
And anyway…I’m back into this feminist debate but it’s about sex this time and we’re discussing a woman who chose to not have sex…and a man who said sex (and repression of it) are social constructs.
And I’m thinking to myself that I can’t win.
I shouldn’t have sex at all. Or it doesn’t exist anyway. Or I should have it with anyone (or everyone). Or I will be labeled something that I may not be. Or…or…or…
And my heart starts beating faster. And I get anxious.
And then my heart hurts because this woman who chose not to have sex says beautiful things about it. And she makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. And she makes me want to find someone to share that beauty with.
And we’re back to talking. And we talk about emotional masochism and sadism. And we discuss how Dworkin may have been a masochist and how she studied de Sade.
And then we’re on to innocence and poking at that innocence to get pain.
And I realize that I may be a masochist, poking at those tender spots just to feel something. Because when it hurts, I feel…and that feels good.
And finally, we’re talking about the narratives we weave in life and how we construct these webs to catch ourselves in. This web I’ve created today…this web narrative of my confusion and anxiety and desires and needs and wants. My narrative. My story.
cloudy horizons
Oct 3rd
I’d like to write something here. I actually have a lot on my mind. I can’t connect things, though. My mind is a fog. I’m having difficulty even thinking or remembering things. I keep forgetting things and even putting them into my PDA or writing them down isn’t helping because I forget where I’ve written things or if I’ve recorded them in the PDA.
I’ve forgotten to say the surgery went well. The last three weeks have sucked but the surgery went well. The edges of the flesh they extracted came back clear of cancer.
This was a bad one, though. In the six months between my last check-up and this one resulted in a melanoma that was big enough for a 4 inch incision. So, now I’m on check-ups every 3 months instead of six.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping. At first it was because the stitches were at a place that hit every time I turned. Now it’s because the incision hurts whenever my body twists.
So, between the stress of the surgery, not sleeping, and just trying to keep up with things, I”m not doing well. I can’t keep my head clear. I’m having trouble doing school work.
I just can’t focus. And I’m irritated by that…which makes it all worse.
Friday I did get some good news. A position that I applied for came open and I got the job offer. It will take some of the stress of finances off of my shoulders. It’s also going to be awesome in terms of my schooling because it’s dealing with many of the issues I’m studying in my program: literacy and technology. I’m so excited about it.
I’m currently working in the distance learning area and I’ll be moving to e-learning. It’s going from front-end to back-end in terms of producing online courses.
I’m so excited about that.
It starts October 31st. Yay!
Okay…enough for now. I can’t think of anything more and my head is in a fog. I seriously feel really dizzy and foggy today. Blech. Bad time for this all to be happening.
I’ll update again soon.
