photo by me.

In one of my classes, we are reading Name All the Animals by Alison Smith. Our instructor brought up the topic of people reading certain books for the emotions they evoke.

It made me think of the conversation between my friend and me last night.

We were discussing TV shows. What kinds of TV shows do we watch? I watch shows that tend to make me cry. There is a release that comes from the build up of emotion over the course of an hour’s worth of television and at the end, I’m able to purge that heavy load that is sitting within me.

I worry over the characters. I fret that they may not do what is necessary to get out of the predicaments they are in. I want to help them to safety.

Of course, logically, I know it’s a television show. I know that the characters will survive because, otherwise, there wouldn’t be a program.

However, take a show like Lost. They actually kill off main characters on that show. If I get involved with that character and that is the person that is killed, I’m hurt by that.

And yet, I keep going back to the programs. I keep going back to books that tear me up from the inside out. I keep going to movies that will hurt my heart. I listen to those NPR and This American Life programs that make me want to sob.

Why do we do that? Why do we poke at that soft spot in our heart?

As I said yesterday, I poke because it makes me feel and even that hurt feels good.

So I wonder. Is this self-flagellation with emotional materials? Am I beating myself until my heart cries? Am I purging? Am I feeling some sort of spiritual or omni-presence descending over me as I poke?

I like the crying. It makes me feel good. I hurt during that hour and then I’m freed.

Caged and released, time and again, watching and reading and listening.