i try

I walk at least two miles a day. In the morning, after I’ve been at work for an hour or so, I take a break and go out and walk around the campus. Four times around is a mile. I do this again, in the afternoon. I put on my headphones, crank up the mp3s and walk (and sometimes dance, too).

This is my time to contemplate things that have happened during the day, things I’ve read along the way. Lately, posts from online forums and conversations I have with people from here have been filling my thoughts.

I’ve been thinking about the breakup of a D/s relationship. I read one woman’s account that broke my heart. She seemed literally lost in the world. It reminds me of when long-standing partners lose one another to death. The end of her relationship was no less devastating. She had lost everything. As a submissive, her world was totally entwined with her dominant’s. She didn’t know how to live life without him anymore. I don’t mean she couldn’t live life. It will just be so drastically different now and she has to relearn how to live life without her dominant.

I’ve lived alone for so long, I have trouble giving up my independence. It is a struggle for me to allow myself to give myself so freely. I ache to do so but it is a struggle. I think, too, that I don’t want to know the pain of losing someone like that. I’ve felt it before and I don’t want to go through it again. I am ready to be with someone for the duration.

The music on my walks often speaks to these themes. Yesterday, while I walked, this song kept speaking to me on this subject:

I Try
Macy Gray

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe
But we’re not
I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you
And I’ll keep my cool, but I’m feelin’

Goodbye and I choke (I’m choking)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(when you are not there, yeah, yeah yeah)
Yeah, yeah..