photo by me.

I religiously read the blog of an online friend every day. It is raw. It is the dirty underbelly of society that we often close our eyes to and that we refuse to see even though it’s there. It is pain. It is love. It is horrific and it is joyous.

Today, though, I read something that hurt me to the core.

Someone asked her about her reflection in the mirror. She said she’s invisible to others. When asked what she sees, she said, “nothing.”

That hurt my heart. It hurt me to think that she doesn’t see what we may see of her. I know she would say that we don’t understand or that no one truly knows her. I understand that she often feels alone or taxed by too much need of others or that she is beating her head against the wall, that she trying to just stay above the water.

To all of this, I say this: Does anyone truly know any of us? I don’t think there is a soul alive that knows the real me…the me that I feel I am. I don’t think anyone out there knows the depth of my compassion or the ruthlessness of my heart at times. I can be a cold bitch. I can also be a cuddly girl. I can be extremes within moments.

People have perceptions of us that they have formed based on their own experiences in life and how they approach us. Oftentimes, those perceptions are created out of what they may need from us. Oftentimes, they are created out of nothing. People see what they want to see.

I used to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I didn’t know who that woman looking back at me was. I avoided mirrors because it hurt to not see myself. In fact, sometimes I couldn’t see anything when I looked in the mirror. It was a blur. It was unrecognizable. It was painful.

I don’t wish that on anyone…especially this beautiful woman who gives more than she realizes.

I hope, soon, she sees something in that mirror. I hope she sees all sides of herself and embraces them. I hope she realizes that all of the bad and good make up who she is and that person isn’t as awful as she may think she is.

Most of all, I wish her peace. If there was anything I could give her, it would be that.