photo by me

I was talking with a friend last night and I said something about thinking about everything that is said to me. Even the most casual conversations turn in to this full-blown “thought session” with myself.

That got me to thinking (hah!) about the reason for this. Why do I pick everything apart long after the conversation is over? Why do I mull it over and then go back for clarification later, long after the other person is probably done with the conversation? Why do I seem to *need* that further input?

This isn’t to blame on anyone or any situation. I want to figure out the “whys” of what I do.

And I think I know.

I have walked on eggshells my whole life. I grew up knowing that my dad didn’t want kids and wasn’t exactly fond of the ones he had sired. I grew up trying to prove myself worthy of my mother’s love over and over and over.

When you know your dad didn’t want you, what do you do? You try to please him. You work hard at school and you join the sports you think he will like and enjoy watching. You look for the signs, the clarification that you’re getting through. You’re afraid to ask because you don’t know where it will take you but you watch. Carefully. All of the time.

And when you’re dying inside to know your mother has some affection for you but she doesn’t seem to know how to show it, what do you do? You become that star. You join student government and the speech and debate club. You become the lead in your high school play. You look for some sign that your successes have made her proud and that, somehow, that pride will be converted into love.

And you watch. You always watch, trying to see the clues that you’ve been successful. And you listen to the language, carefully, trying to discern whether or not you’ve gotten through.

And you hope. You hope with all you have, that you will be loved and respected and admired.

And noticed.

And not invisible any longer.

And when that doesn’t come, you started looking elsewhere for something, anything. You want to matter – to someone, anyone – even if they are bad for you. And you watch the signs. You listen to the language. You are careful to get clarification because it could lead to those very things you’ve been searching for your whole life.

Do my signs get mixed up? Undoubtedly. Do I have problems with understanding boundaries. Yup.

This is why I think and think and think. Is this what this person meant? Did I cross a line? Did I say the wrong thing? What was she really saying when she said this? Is he being honest with me?

I don’t know answers. For some reason, in my brain, these things are hard for me to discern. So I think, I mull, I ponder and I ask. Because I need clarity. I need to understand.

I need to know where I stand. I need to know if I fit in.

I need to know that I’m not invisible.