photo by me

A few things have happened lately that have caused me to rethink the entries I’ve been making and to maybe want to make a justification or an explanation about things.

First, let me start off by saying that I’m not unhappy as a single woman. In fact, I have a pretty good life. I don’t want for anything – food, shelter, clothing, and utilities are all available to me. I come home to a beagle that adores me and gets excited to see me. I have views out my front door that take my breath away on a daily basis. I have relationships with family and co-workers that make me smile and think and be thankful for what I have. I am busy with work and with school and love both of them and how I feel in those areas.

In short, I have an exceptionally good life. And I’d like to share it with someone.

But I’m wondering if my ventures into talking about dating and marriage and kids is causing some confusion, especially with men I consider my friends. As I said to someone recently, I don’t want to appear vulturous or crazed about finding a partner. I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t want my male friends to think or feel like I’m sizing them up to see how they will fit into this “ideal mate” category.

I’m not.

I’ve known Steve since 1991 when the local community college opened up its doors and we both were taking classes. We met in a joint venture of starting a school newsletter. It was fun. We were young and idealistic and excited about a lot of things and had much in common.

We started hanging out a lot, talking about things. We were never more than friends. Not at all. But our relationship was, and always has been, an intimate one. We can talk about anything with one another. We have one of those rare friendships where we can pick up the conversation where it left off even if it has been a year (or, in one case, almost 5 years) since we last talked.

Steve and I have known one another longer than any of our very intimate relationships have lasted. I like knowing that I have a friend out there, a male friend, at that, that has been around long enough and known me long enough to see me change (and hopefully grow) and still likes me.

So when I heard Steve’s voice and knew that he needed a friend, it wasn’t hard for me to offer up a room in my house. I adore this man. I want only the best for him.

But then there was this thing. And I started to worry.

Omigod…maybe he thinks, especially after my latest blog entries, that I’m inviting him only because I’m looking for a partner. And yet, that was the furthest thing from my mind.

So we talked about it. He understood that and was more worried about doing any harm to our friendship. Which, in my book, is awesome. He cares enough about our friendship to want to preserve it.

And then I received an email from a reader. In it, he said that he hoped he wasn’t leading me on.

Eh? I…uhhh…ummm. Hmmm. I thought we were building a good online friendship type of rapport. I wasn’t even thinking about him in terms of an intimate relationship.

I also received an email from a guy in the online dating site that I frequent. In it, he said he’d love to talk language/linguistics with me. Yay! I thought, how cool! One of my favorite topics! I love that. And he closes it with, “I realize you probably have better things to do than chat with unavailable strangers.”

Hmmm. I’ll talk to you if you’re unavailable. I’m not on the prowl and willing to jump any guy (well, okay, maybe…but that’s purely a physical thing and completely controllable…heh!). I can be friends with guys without having to have a more-than-friends relationship (see Steve above for proof of that).

And all of this has made me wonder what kinds of signals I’m sending out.

Do I appear needy? Stalking of prey? Waiting to descend on the masses of men (hah!) who happen to wander into my blog lair?

Do I want a long-term intimate relationship? Yeah. But, honestly, I’m not actively pursuing anything beyond writing a few emails in the dating site (and even that is sporadic simply because I just don’t have the time or energy – especially with the way work has been going lately!).

I’m just sorting things out. Trying to figure out where I belong and where I’m going.

I can be your friend and not want anything more to come of it. I’m good at that.