photo by me

It’s that season again. Black Friday, Cyber Monday – it’s all about consumerism.

Or is it?

Willow and I drove up to the Grand Canyon on Saturday. We took the back route, up highway 64, through the Navajo Nation. We stopped at a few overlooks that gave us spectacular views of the Little Colorado River gorge. Stunning.

While we were driving and talking about what she wanted from Santa Claus, my sweet girl says to me, “Aunt Dawn? You don’t come to my house on Solstice. What do you celebrate? Christmas or Solstice?”

Her family celebrates Solstice. Her aunts and uncles (the majority of them anyway) celebrate Christmas.

“I don’t really celebrate either, sweetie.”

“Why not?”

I pondered. I really didn’t want to manipulate her or to make her feel sorry for me. I wanted her to understand the reasons I don’t celebrate things.

“Those holidays are really about family for me. And while I have you and your family, that’s a time when families tend to spend it with one another. I don’t have my own family so I don’t celebrate it.”

“Oh. But does Santa Claus visit you? Do you get presents?”

“I don’t. Santa doesn’t visit me.”

She thinks on this for a moment. “Aunt Dawn? I’m writing to Santa Claus for you. He will bring you presents this year.”

I nearly started to cry. While the holidays aren’t about presents for me but more about family, it would be nice to be remembered by people who say they love me.

This is a bad time of the year for me. Starting with my birthday, the Solstice/Christmas holiday and then New Year’s, I never feel more alone. I realize, at this time, how lonely being single can be.

I busy myself with things but it is also very difficult. Everyone is talking about the time they will be spending with family, the things they will be doing, and all of the plans they have. My family members tend to be a bit more insular and circle the wagons during this time. Willow’s family likes to spend the time with just their immediate family. My other brother goes to his wife’s famiiy’s house. My sister’s family tends to go to my mom’s house and then to her in-law’s house.

I like the quiet time. Don’t get me wrong. But sometimes it would be nice to have a family to spend time with.