photo by me

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery ~

I’m stupid. That’s kind of why I haven’t been writing.

I’m stupid. And I’m hiding out, wondering why I am this way.

Things are going well, life is going good.

I have an office full of co-workers, three women. We’re laughing and talking. One of them says, “Do you want to go to lunch?”

I look at the clock. I’m on the helpline for one more hour. I hate working the helpline but it’s the one necessary evil of my job so I do it – and I try to do it without complaining…but not always so well.

I say I’d like to go but I have to wait for an hour.

I think I was too quiet. They didn’t hear me and I didn’t say anything because I thought they did and were just moving forward.

They all go out.

My feelings are hurt. I really wanted to go. I don’t spend a whole lot of time with people and I can’t always go out because I just can’t afford it. It was payday and I had a little extra money to spare this pay period. I wanted to go.

The group grows. Eventually it is most of the office.

They all leave.

Five minutes later, one of the student workers comes into my office and asks if I want to go to lunch with them. I almost start crying (because I’m a big baby). I ask if they can wait an hour. They didn’t want to and so I told them to go ahead and go.

And my feelings were hurt again – but not nearly as much this time.

I wanted to hang out with the women. I have a hard time with women and I really want to make things work at this job and with these people because I like them.

Everyone comes back and they are all talking about the great lunch they had. I’m upset. I’m hurt. I’m jealous. I growl at someone who tells me that I didn’t want to go because it wasn’t that good (she was joking with me – not trying to hurt my feelings).

Then I say something to the three women. I didn’t want to feel invisible. I wanted them to know that I did want to join them.

Then I’m over it.

But then I feel stupid. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. But it was. I don’t know why but it was.

Why did I make such a huge scene about it?

I’m such an idiot. I swear. I have no social skills whatsoever. I don’t even know how to interact with people.

It’s probably a good thing I hang out in my office, quietly avoiding people for the most part.

I don’t know how to deal with them.