photo by me

I got a secret and I cant explain
All the time, Ive waited for this day
All along I was never in doubt
I always knew it would never get out
There are things that I cannot tell
And there are things that you know damn well
This is getting very hard for me
I guess youd better just wait and see.
~ Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark ~

In Wray Herbert’s Newsweek column this week, he discusses secrets.

There is a lot of pressure to reveal our private lives, lest our dark secrets eat away at us from the inside and do serious physical and psychic damage. The impulse is evident everywhere, from the psychotherapist’s consulting room to 12-Step meetings to the pages of yet one more personal memoir of cruel parenting, sexual promiscuity or addiction.

Of course, I start thinking about blogs. Even political or technology blogs show a bit about the people who are writing them. We learn why someone leans a certain way politically and how personal that is or why someone is a Mac user versus a PC user and how passionate of a choice that can be.

We know that holding things in can be toxic for us. We’re told that often by our counselors and therapists and doctors and talk-show hosts and arm-chair psychologists. But the question arises. Are we sharing too much? Are we spilling our guts at the risk of our health?

In a recent study at the University of Notre Dame, researchers spoke with 100 participants about their secrets. They wanted to ensure that the secrets being kept were significant and not minor.

Contrary to the wisdom of deodorant marketers, the people hiding something actually had fewer psychosomatic symptoms than did those with clear consciences. By contrast, those with secretive personalities—people who guard everything from their golf handicap to their mother’s maiden name—were experiencing greater distress than the more open types.

The researchers found that those who kept secrets in order to preserve something within their lives actually ended up being a bit more healthy.

A problem drinker, for example, is no doubt calmer knowing her habit is not public knowledge; sharing that secret with a boss or coworkers could only add to the stress. In addition, fessing up about something like promiscuity or addiction or bulimia necessarily shapes one’s sense of identity. Well chosen secrets can preserve a more idealized—and healthier—self-image.

But I question this. Is a self-image based on a lie or a secret really healthy? Is it something that we should be proud of?

For instance, I’m a stress eater. I know this. It’s not a good thing. If I kept it a secret and hid it away, hoping no one would figure it out, would that be good for me? Instead, I choose to talk about it, face it, and try to deal with why I eat when I’m stressed. What is it about food that makes me feel better?

Wouldn’t I, if I hid this, become one of those people who stuffs my face while in the sanctity of my car or home – where no one could see me – instead of facing the issue? Wouldn’t I then have even more secrets?

Herbert’s last paragraph cracks me up.

So keep those pierced nipples to yourself. (It may be more than we want to know anyway!)

It cracks me up mostly because it made me think about a conversation at work where we were talking about tattoos and piercings and I said something about those private piercings. And I have a feeling that most of the people in that conversation now think I have piercings in unseen places – even when I don’t.

But that’s kind of a fun secret to have.

Because you never know. I could just decide to get those very piercings.