photo by me

So many of us live in that in-between world of not quite feeling confident enough to blow our own horn but feeling that we are doing a good job at whatever it is that we’re doing.

I have surrounded myself with brilliant people. I like being around them because I learn so much from them. I see the world in a different way. But I hate being around them, at times, because I don’t feel as intelligent or I feel inadequate at the same time.

Two of these brilliant people told me that was silly (and one has called me brilliant himself). They told me that maybe what I’m doing is focusing on a different area that we don’t discuss so much (which is true with my graduate work – I don’t talk about it much and the stuff we do talk about tends to be areas where they are much more fluent and confident).

Thursday I had my performance review at work. I was nervous. I’ve never enjoyed that kind of stuff because I’ve never really felt confident about my role in an organization.

Right before I go in, one of my co-workers comes in to my office and tells me that one of the student workers is appreciative of my work. He says that this person has asked that we don’t allow projects to go public without having me look over them first. He said that having me look over them and verify things makes the end product that much better and makes him proud of the work he is producing.

Wow. Just wow. That’s pretty cool to hear. I wasn’t sure if anyone really noticed me or the work I was doing.

So I go in for the review and my boss and I are talking. She’s great. I couldn’t ask for a better supervisor and one who really seems to *get* me and all my foibles. We walk through the ratings and the comments. I’m cool with all of it. I knew where I had to make some adjustments and was pleasantly surprised by the areas she commented on as strengths for me and the areas she thought I’d like to set for my goals for the next year. It all ends up using my education for my career (and how many of us can say that these days???).

We’re at the end and she asks me to look it over again and to tell her where I think I fit within this 5 point rating. She tells me that I have to be realistic. I can’t go too low.

She knows me.

I say 3. It’s how I feel (well, I would have said 2 if she hadn’t said I couldn’t go too low). She shakes her head. She disagrees with me and we talk about it. I laugh, chagrined and a bit embarrassed, and tell her I was going to say 2.

I think, sometimes, when someone you respect tells you that you’re worth more than you think you are, it can make all the difference.

And that very day, four different people told me that I was worth a lot.

I wasn’t invisible.