photo by me

I hate this time of the year and I love this time of the year. It’s a quandary for me, an unexplained phenomenon.

I think a lot during this time of the year, assessing everything that has happened over the past year and what I will look forward to doing in the next year. I think about my reactions to events and if I can adjust my reactions to become a better person. I contemplate the people in my life, whether they are good for me, bad for me, or just don’t matter (overall, I’m fortunate enough to have mostly good people in my life). I think about what I’m doing — with school, with work, with life in general — and if that is healthy, needs work, or requires some more thought.

This hasn’t been a bad year.

I’ve been cancer-free all year. I’ve met some amazing people and started some friendship that I think are going to last a long time (and I really, truly hope they do). I’ve become respected in a field that I really enjoy and want to share with others. I’ve learned that I can love people on so many different levels and be loved back and not be stressed about any of it. I’ve realized that my support system is bigger than I could have ever imagined and that people I didn’t know last year are a part of my life this year and I can’t imagine life without them.

Yeah, I feel lonely. And yeah, I get upset. And yeah, this is also the hardest time of the year for me because being alone is even more pronounced when everyone is talking about family, exchanging gifts, visiting people they love, and talking about all of the things they’ll be doing with family. It’s hard to hear all of that when I know I’ll be alone on most of those days because the people I want to be with are elsewhere with others or doing their own thing.

But that’s okay. It’s okay to feel lonely and sad and a bit down. I always bounce back and it’s never so overwhelming that I can’t function. And I never feel completely alone — because I know those people would rush to my side if I truly needed them and asked them to do so.

I don’t need them to do that, though. Sometimes it’s enough to hear them say they love me, that they care, that they miss me, and want to see me more in the coming year, and are making plans to do so. That’s often enough. And lately, it’s been spectacular. The people I care about the most are making plans with me in the new year. From dinners for birthdays to monthly visits to a grand trip, I will be seeing people I love and care about more than anything and I know that these events will make all the difference.

So I am thankful for this year. I’ve grown in ways I never knew I had in me. I love and am loved.

And I know that I won’t die, my corpse eaten by my dog, and no one will notice (this is a joke my brother and I laugh about).

Someone would notice. More than one person would notice.

And that’s enough for me.