doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
self-portrait, week #7
I doubt myself more than anyone else ever could. I doubt myself far more than I ever doubt anyone else.
I doubt my importance in other peoples’ lives.
I doubt that my life makes a huge impact on others.
Mostly this is because I don’t seem to keep people in my life for very long. And even if I do, it’s not like I have that best friend that I’ve done everything with and who knows me better than anyone. No one has stuck around for that long or been involved that much.
I’m sure this is because of me. I have a feeling that I push people away.
People scare me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. People scare me.
A lot of that fear is from my past. But a lot of it comes from just not reading people well. I don’t understand them.
And today, I’m filled with a lot of self-doubt and wondering what it is about me that pushes people away, doubts about my worth in others’ lives, and how I can change that.
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#4 written by Steve 5 years ago
Please don’t doubt your importance in other peoples’ lives, Dawn, or that your life continues to make a huge impact on the lives of others. Some of us may even have saved the lives of others without ever knowing it. But tou are right and I share your sadness in observing that people do come and go, emotionally if not even geographically.
Some (and perhaps many) of us don’t tell others what or how much they mean to us often enough. That can leave us wondering about our self-worth and our impact on others, when these might be the very things that keep us going. Those of us (all of us at one time or another) that push people away need only pull them back with our words to clear things up.
In think Bryan (whom I don’t know) is right that we sometimes spend too much time and emotional effort worrying about friendships rather than letting ourselves enjoy them. I know I catch myself wishing my friends sought me out or enjoyed more what I know I have to offer. But that is my own loneliness coming through, in which case I need to act. I think, also, that we (again, some of us) tend to get used to and even comfortable with negative feelings such as loneliness. . . just some thoughts on what was said. I know I miss these conversations dearly.
Please don’t doubt that you are loved though Dawn.
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It is something that I think about far too often … I don’t have that special group of girlfriends or even that one girlfriend who has lasted through the years, they come and they go and I wonder what it is about me that is not sustainable …
Do I push people away or do they run? …
I’ll bet your life does have a huge impact ~ your words and thoughts always impact me and make me cry, give me hope and cause me to laugh and think and reflect …
love this self-portrait, vulnerable somehow yet beautiful …
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You sound like me – I often feel this way. After a while, I have learned not to worry about it too much. What you focus on increases in your life. So try to focus on living life, and don’t question it too much. Also, I find it goes in waves for me – sometimes there are close people in my life, and sometimes there are not. Take it as it comes. I hope this makes any sense at all. I think I expect too much of myself, of others, and of life.
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Being a little scared about people is a good thing, even when you ARE good at reading people. I’m not being negative. It’s just good sense.
I have a good friend that seems doubt her worth to me. I always tell her to let me be the judge of who I care about. She spends way too much time worrying about the “mechanics” of friendship, and not enough time simply enjoying it.