photo by me

While reading Karen Walrond’s post on writing to her 19-year-old self, I started thinking about what I would say to my 19-year-old self. What have the last twenty years taught me?

Dear dawn,

Right now you won’t be believe me but you are more beautiful that you will ever realize. You are at your thinnest, your most active, your most jubilent self than you will ever be at again. Take advantage of that and live life happily. Don’t dwell on those things you can’t change. Don’t worry so much. Don’t take on the weight of the world.

Make changes where you can and realize that you can’t fix everything.

Sex does not equal love. Sex is sex and it doesn’t mean the same to the men you sleep with that it means to you. They won’t stay with you just because you give them something that means a lot to you.

Being told “I love you” does not always mean what you hope it means (and probably not even what the sayer hopes it will mean). Sometimes people say “I love you” because they don’t know what else to say but sometimes those people just don’t know how to love. Learn to recognize the difference.

That cute guy you meet in a restaurant in Chandler who seems charming and wonderful is dangerous for you. Run from him. He will hurt you. Badly. He will hit you. He will try to kill you on more than one occasion. He will make you think you are so much worse, ugly, stupid, fat, and horrible than you are. You are better than that. Run fast. He will change the way you look at yourself and the world and will affect the relationships you get involved in for the next fifteen years.

Those trips you take, searching for love, wandering the world, hoping love is finally coming your way will be difficult. Turn them into good experiences. London is a beautiful city. Cherish it. Missouri, Texas, Ohio, Colorado, and California have so much to offer you. They are much, much, much more than the men. Enjoy the trips and the stays as much as you can. Vancouver will turn out to be a city that reminds you of two men and an entire family but remember that it is a place that resides in your heart, too, because the city turned out to give you strength. It turned into a place that made you realize just how much you have to offer and that you shouldn’t settle.

The jobs you take and leave quickly should be lessens. Learn what you like and what you don’t. I can tell you that you will find a job you love. I can tell you that all of the things you learn along the way will add up to a job that will make you happier than you’ve ever known. So learn from them. Enjoy them.

Think before you speak. You wear your heart on your sleeve and sometimes blurt out more than you should. People won’t understand this and it will get you into trouble.

DON’T sell your camera in Boulder. Even though you’re hungry and need money, do not sell it. You will regret it for years.

The night your first niece is born, don’t leave the hospital. Even though a man threatens to hurt you if you don’t come home, your niece is so much more important and will be in your life long after that man is gone. She will become more to you than you will realize. Stay to see her. It will be worth it. I promise.

The afternoon your second niece is born, leave work early. That job won’t be worth the time you spent on it to miss her birth. You won’t regret leaving.

Those brothers you fought so hard with as a girl will turn out to be your best friends and your biggest cheerleaders. They will save your life on more than one occasion. Cherish them. Tell them thank you. Appreciate them for all they do and all they are. They are human. They are beautiful and flawed and amazing. They are your brothers. Tell them you love them often.

In fact, tell all of the people you love that you love them. This is something you will never regret.

Mostly, be kind to yourself. You deserve that so much more than you realize. You are strong. You are resilient. You are a beautiful woman. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

All of my love,

dawn