One of the things I’ve found out while I’ve been in grad school is that many of us feel like we’re frauds — that we feel like we don’t know half of what we’re supposed to know. I thought I was alone in this until I talked to a friend and my brother about it. Both said they knew what that was like and that most grad students feel that way. We’re supposed to be knowledgeable in our fields, right? We’re supposed to have it down. But the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know anything.

This all got me thinking about why I thought I was so different from other grad students. I work full time. Most of my fellow grad students work part-time in the English department or don’t work at all (have partners and spouses who put them through school). I don’t know most of the other grad students as well as they all know one another. Part of that is because I’m not around them much – my office is not in the English department and part of it is that I am in a different place in my life.

I don’t know what they feel or how they think. I don’t feel like I connect with most of them at all.

But am I really so different?

I don’t know. I do know that many of them are not interested in pursuing their doctorates. I know that many have no idea what they want to do after they graduate – let alone hold down a full-time job. In fact, one young woman recently told me she was going to take six months off to relax after finals in May. Does my jealousy show? I wish I could just take some time off to be able to do my homework. But someone has to pay the bills and that happens to be me.

I’m not as old as some of my classmates but I’m not as young as some of them, either. I tend to fall in the middle and there aren’t many people my age. Many of my classmates are much older (10-20 years older) and many are much younger (10-15 years younger). Most of the older people have had families and decided to go back to school to do something different with their lives. The younger students haven’t had jobs or families yet and are just embarking on their journeys. I’m somewhere in the middle — no family but have lived life too much (or that’s how it feels at times).

I don’t seem to think like them. In every single class, I’m the dissenting voice. One classmate told me that it’s because I’m brilliant (her word, not mine) and I think outside of the box. Another told me that when I’m gone, they really miss my perspective because it gives them things to think about. Whatever it is, it ends up putting me in a different place. I have to defend my position (and I do so willingly because I won’t say something if I can’t back it up). But it can also be lonely. And then I start to question myself wondering if I’m just screwed up and why can’t I see the world like others see it? Why can’t I read a book the same way and get the same things out of it? Why do I see different messages or different themes than everyone else? I’m not trying to be that person. I’d like to be like others sometimes. I would. I try to fit in.

I keep coming back to the question, though, am I really different or do I just think I am?

I don’t know. I know most people feel this way at one time or another. But me — I feel this way all of the time. I always feel like I’m just outside of “normal” — whatever that is. That pane is just a little smudged where I’m looking in and the world inside is just a little distorted.

I’m ok with that. I’d just like to understand why. What makes me see the world in a way that is not typical? What makes me just a little off from everyone else?