Today was the meeting of the kids. Dakota and Frank got along famously. It was funny. They are so much alike – although there are nearly 9 1/2 years between them. Frank definitely has the ability to wear Dakota out. Dakota has the ability to calm Frank down. They were adorable. They are both love sluts. “Love me, love me,” they say. Their big brown eyes, floppy ears, sweet faces spoke to me, begging me to love them. And if one got too close, the other moved in to get even closer. They were actually fighting for a spot on my lap at one point early on. It was making me laugh.

We went on a hike through the forest, through foot deep snow. It was so incredibly beautiful out. The sun was bright. The snow was the perfect white. The weather was warming up (it almost felt like spring and youngguy commented to that effect). It was really so lovely. I could have stayed out for much longer.

We headed back to youngguy’s house to hang out. We talked about music and family and wines. We just hung out and enjoyed one another’s company.

And I realized something (well, not right at that point – it’s something I have thought about previously but it really hit me today). I’ve never actually dated someone in a slow, easy dating process. All of my relationships have been whirlwinds – happening so fast that I couldn’t remember how they had begun. At my age, I’ve never really dated. And I’m not sure what to do or if I’m doing it right.

So then I started questioning myself. Then I got antsy. Was I staying too long at his house? Was he ready for me to be gone? Should I make my way out? Oh, god. How does all of this work?

I like him. He’s a very nice man. He’s funny and interesting. We both have passions that are interesting and creative. We have similar outlooks on life and are both concerned with the environment.

I don’t want to appear over eager. I’m not, really. I have too much going on to be over eager about relationships. But I also want to get to know him better. I want to learn more about him – and the type of person I am, when I want to know something or someone better, I jump right in and immerse myself in the subject. But I’m not sure I want to do that. I like the slow easy way it’s working but I’m also not sure if I’m doing it right.

Argh!

I’m so self-concious about this. I was actually upset with myself because I feel a bit lost and came home and cried — when really I should have been happy because it was a lovely day. I wonder if that self doubt ever goes away. When will I stop feeling like I did when I was 12, or 15, or 23? When will I ever be sure — about anything?