On twitter and facebook I recently wrote:

Words have become my main form of collateral, and now I think I fear using them. It’s more than writer’s block. It’s about identity.

I wrote this in the midst of struggling with a paper. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since this and these are some of the issues that have arisen from it:

  • Because this is the first time in my life that my words and my thoughts are REALLY paying my bills, I’m much more cognizant of them than I’ve been in the past.
  • I fear speaking out and/or writing in public now more than I have because I will be held accountable for my words, and people may challenge them. What if I can’t hold my own in the challenge? What if I just don’t have the knowledge and/or skills to do so?
  • I have great fears of disappointing people I respect and, conversely, not being respected for who I am and what I think. This manifests itself in problems with writing.
  • Academics can be snarky. As I’ve followed recent tweets by academics at one of the largest conferences in my field, I’ve noticed that so many of them were snarky, negative complaints about silly things. They weren’t issues with theory, but personal digs. Why do we do this to ourselves, to people who actually *get* us?
  • Recently I was told that I talk too much in class. I like to add to discussions, but if others think I’m talking too much, I shut down. I choose seminars because there is discussion and they are interesting and engaging.
  • I need to find that place of medium existence in which I can feel safe expressing my words and not intrude on others’ spaces. I’m not sure where that is or if it is possible.

    • Finally, Peter Elbow, a respected and controversial professor in my field, said this at a recent conference:

    Nobody can write well unless they are able to make a fool of themselves.

    In the end, maybe most of us, especially those of us who are engaged in social mediums in online spaces, are willing to make fools of ourselves. It may be the degree in which we do so that makes us better writers.