The video is worth watching. I’m not ashamed to say it made me cry (but then, if you know anything about me, you know I’m a sap).
I subscribe to the PostSecret feed. Sometimes I cry when I read other peoples’ postcards. I think I see too much of me in them. Or I think how it could be me if not for one twist of fate or one decision that I made that turned my life in a different direction.I haven’t been writing much here, I know. I’m trying to finish up my thesis. I’m trying to check out doctoral programs. I’m making plans to visit. I’m emailing people in programs that interest me and am trying to find out more.
In September, I’ve scheduled trips to both the University of Minnesota and the University of Arizona. As soon as I hear back from two schools in North Carolina, I will make those travel plans as well (hopefully September or October).
I have applications to get done. I have a thesis to finish. By the end of December, I’ll be able to relax…for six months…until I start the doctoral program (wherever I end up going).
Who knew that getting in to the right school would be so stressful? It’s exhilarating and stressful all at once. I’m excited to begin a new part of my life but I’m also so worried that no one will want me. That my style of research isn’t desired. Or worse, that I’m not good enough. It’s that thing about being on the outside looking in and wanting to belong. I don’t belong yet and I really, really want to. And I want someone (some program) to want me to belong.
And they do. I shouldn’t worry. They do. But I wonder if it’s because I talk a good talk or because I’m really worthy of that. You know? I’m not sure that I’m good enough.
Then there is this…the whole dating thing. You meet someone you think is worth your time. But you doubt they would move away to begin a new journey with you and you doubt they’d want to keep up a long distance kind of thing. So, I keep my distance because not one person I’ve met so far has given an indication that what I’m doing is important enough yet. What I mean by this is that I think about changing my life to accommodate someone else…but I don’t think that anyone else so far has considered doing the same.
That’s my flaw, I know. My brothers keep telling me that I have to think about me…that I have to do this for me…that if someone is the right person, he will support me in that, move with me, or keep up a long-distance relationship. But I don’t know. See, I’m not sure I’m good enough.
This whole doctoral program process has brought out some of my deepest insecurities in both my academic and personal life. It has made me question my viability as a student and a partner.
That irritates me. I was doing so much better with my insecurities before, and now everything is up in the air.