I subscribe to the PostSecret feed. Sometimes I cry when I read other peoples’ postcards. I think I see too much of me in them. Or I think how it could be me if not for one twist of fate or one decision that I made that turned my life in a different direction.I haven’t been writing much here, I know. I’m trying to finish up my thesis. I’m trying to check out doctoral programs. I’m making plans to visit. I’m emailing people in programs that interest me and am trying to find out more.

In September, I’ve scheduled trips to both the University of Minnesota and the University of Arizona. As soon as I hear back from two schools in North Carolina, I will make those travel plans as well (hopefully September or October).

I have applications to get done. I have a thesis to finish. By the end of December, I’ll be able to relax…for six months…until I start the doctoral program (wherever I end up going).

Who knew that getting in to the right school would be so stressful? It’s exhilarating and stressful all at once. I’m excited to begin a new part of my life but I’m also so worried that no one will want me. That my style of research isn’t desired. Or worse, that I’m not good enough. It’s that thing about being on the outside looking in and wanting to belong. I don’t belong yet and I really, really want to. And I want someone (some program) to want me to belong.

And they do. I shouldn’t worry. They do. But I wonder if it’s because I talk a good talk or because I’m really worthy of that. You know? I’m not sure that I’m good enough.

Then there is this…the whole dating thing. You meet someone you think is worth your time. But you doubt they would move away to begin a new journey with you and you doubt they’d want to keep up a long distance kind of thing. So, I keep my distance because not one person I’ve met so far has given an indication that what I’m doing is important enough yet. What I mean by this is that I think about changing my life to accommodate someone else…but I don’t think that anyone else so far has considered doing the same.

That’s my flaw, I know. My brothers keep telling me that I have to think about me…that I have to do this for me…that if someone is the right person, he will support me in that, move with me, or keep up a long-distance relationship. But I don’t know. See, I’m not sure I’m good enough.

Argh.

This whole doctoral program process has brought out some of my deepest insecurities in both my academic and personal life. It has made me question my viability as a student and a partner.

That irritates me. I was doing so much better with my insecurities before, and now everything is up in the air.

This morning mental floss magazine has an article about “niche dating sites.” Above and beyond the true and blue match.com, eharmony, and craigslist (hey, if you’re in for an unencumbered night of passion, I’ve heard craigslist is IT), there are sites that cater to the discerning dater.

More of a cup half-empty type of person? WeNeither is the place for you. Don’t like bananas in your wheaties? Someone out there hates it just as much as you do. Hate the rain? Your perfect match is huddled in a doorway waiting for the sun to shine and watching her Blackberry to see if you shoot her an email. I think this is the ultimate of pessmistic dating. What if you don’t like people? How do you meet people who don’t like people? Or if you’re starting everything on the negative, will anything ever get positive?

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch

Some niche sites are a bit more personal (and allow users to face the reality of certain conditions). Prescription4Love is geared toward daters who have special health considerations like obesity, STDs, or infertility (among many others). IBS Dating (Irritable Being Single) is for daters who deal with irritable bowel syndrome or Crohn’s disease — mostly so they don’t have to be embarrassed telling their date about the issue and why they need to be near restrooms.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match

SugarDaddie.com is one of those places that just makes me shake my head. I mean, come on. “Where the classy, attractive, and affluent can meet”??? Who determines if they are truly classy and/or attractive? MillionaireMatch and WealthyMen do the same thing. WealthyMen even focused on my IP and told me the men in my area making over $100,000 a year. Hmmm…didn’t even know that many men made that much money here (and I doubt most of them are truly that wealthy).

Dream Matches is along the same lines. It’s an exclusive online community only for those who are very HAWT. Eh? How old are we? It’s the next step (not necessarily up) from Hot or Not.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
I’ll bring the veil,
You bring the groom,
Slender and pale.
Bring me a ring for I’m longing to be,
The envy of all I see.

Nerd Passions helps those of us on that geekier side to find one another. Oh…it’s a little like finding love in a petri dish. Funny thing is, most of the guys are like the guys I tend to talk to the most…smart, interesting, if a bit socio-phobic. Oh…wait…that’s me. Ahem.

Vegetarian? Want to meet other non-flesh eating omnivores? Ok, I joke about that but I don’t eat much meat, either. VeggieDate is the place for you. The name makes me think of VeggieTales or, conversely, the obscene things that I’ve heard some people do with vegetables. It does not imbibe me with much confidence.

I found lots of sites geared toward American men who want (insert nationality here –> Russian, Chinese, Thai, Latin, etc.) women. A lot of sites.

Wht this makes me wonder is how any of us actually meet the right person. I mean, really…what if my perfect match is on DateMyPet.com and I’m on DemocraticSingles? Am I doomed?

Maybe I should just start my own site: Thinkstoomuchandhatespost-structuralismsingles.com. I wonder if it would work. Hmmm…

lyrics from Matchmaker by Sheldon Harnick

And I did. I bought myself a beautiful diamond ring (that really looks like an engagement ring now that I look at it with the wizened eyes of a forty-year-old). I wore it on my ring finger.

I still own that ring but I never wear it. I think it would take too much effort to explain to people what this this diamond engagement ring is and what it means. (But that doesn’t stop me from wearing two different watches, one on each wrist and explaining that every time someone asks, does it? Oh, no.)

It only took 22 years for a company to catch up with my brilliant idea. The Swiss company, Singelringen, has decided to start selling rings made specifically for singles. While I love the sentiment, they do make me laugh:

We at Singelringen have no opinion on whether the single life is the optimal life to live, or not. We just encourage people to enjoy their single lives!

They don’t want to commit to anything that would distance themselves from other customers.

When I have an extra $55 (plus shipping and handling) to throw around for something I don’t really need, this is on the top of my list. Afterall,

As a single person, you are on your own, but you are not alone – there are many of us around the world. We should stand up for what we are – we are always more attractive to others when we are comfortable with our single status.

Today was the meeting of the kids. Dakota and Frank got along famously. It was funny. They are so much alike – although there are nearly 9 1/2 years between them. Frank definitely has the ability to wear Dakota out. Dakota has the ability to calm Frank down. They were adorable. They are both love sluts. “Love me, love me,” they say. Their big brown eyes, floppy ears, sweet faces spoke to me, begging me to love them. And if one got too close, the other moved in to get even closer. They were actually fighting for a spot on my lap at one point early on. It was making me laugh.

We went on a hike through the forest, through foot deep snow. It was so incredibly beautiful out. The sun was bright. The snow was the perfect white. The weather was warming up (it almost felt like spring and youngguy commented to that effect). It was really so lovely. I could have stayed out for much longer.

We headed back to youngguy’s house to hang out. We talked about music and family and wines. We just hung out and enjoyed one another’s company.

And I realized something (well, not right at that point – it’s something I have thought about previously but it really hit me today). I’ve never actually dated someone in a slow, easy dating process. All of my relationships have been whirlwinds – happening so fast that I couldn’t remember how they had begun. At my age, I’ve never really dated. And I’m not sure what to do or if I’m doing it right.

So then I started questioning myself. Then I got antsy. Was I staying too long at his house? Was he ready for me to be gone? Should I make my way out? Oh, god. How does all of this work?

I like him. He’s a very nice man. He’s funny and interesting. We both have passions that are interesting and creative. We have similar outlooks on life and are both concerned with the environment.

I don’t want to appear over eager. I’m not, really. I have too much going on to be over eager about relationships. But I also want to get to know him better. I want to learn more about him – and the type of person I am, when I want to know something or someone better, I jump right in and immerse myself in the subject. But I’m not sure I want to do that. I like the slow easy way it’s working but I’m also not sure if I’m doing it right.

Argh!

I’m so self-concious about this. I was actually upset with myself because I feel a bit lost and came home and cried — when really I should have been happy because it was a lovely day. I wonder if that self doubt ever goes away. When will I stop feeling like I did when I was 12, or 15, or 23? When will I ever be sure — about anything?

Youngguy and I had made plans to do something this coming weekend. He asked if I’d like to go snowshoeing – and in one of my favorite areas around town. He even suggested that I bring my camera.

Whoa. Does he know what he’s getting into when he says that?

But, alas, my tumble down icy incline precludes me from wanting to take any chances with falling down an icy mountain wearing snowshoes and carrying my new camera.

So I wrote and asked if we could change our plans. We had previously discussed sushi and/or taking our dogs on a walk.

Oh, our dogs – our kids – our boys. Me – a beautiful old man of a beagle. Him – a beautiful young man of a fox hound. A short-legged fox hound and a long-legged beagle. Fox hounds are my second favorite dog behind the beagle. They look just like beagles but with long legs. Beautiful dogs.

Our boys are very similar in nature. They have that playfulness of hounds but they are both also more submissive and don’t get excited about being the alpha males. While they haven’t met yet, we have a feeling they would get along great.

So, when he wrote back, he asked me to choose between sushi and the walk. He said he thought he knew which one Frank (his fox hound) and Dakota would choose. And then he said that Frank has actually had sushi and will share the story later.

I didn’t tell him that Dakota loves edamame. He is cuckoo over it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. He actually takes the pods and squeezes the edamame out of them, leaving me the pods to clean up. It’s hilarious.

But, instead, I suggested the walk and perhaps taking along sandwiches or something.

Maybe next time Dakota and Frank can join us for sushi.

So this is something I worry about. Really. Just one of the many, many things I worry about each and every day (because I’m a worrier and that’s what we do — we worry).

What if one of these guys that I’ve gone out with on a date finds my blog? And what if he doesn’t like that I’ve written just a little thing about him — that I had lunch with him or that I call him “xxxxguy”?

Will I have missed out on something meaningful because I’ve shared a blurb about him or will he have missed out on something meaningful because he doesn’t understand that I would never spill any of his secrets online (because I’m a very good secret keeper)?

Should I clip my proverbial wings or is it ok to write about these things? I mean, really, it’s been one lunch with each one. Nothing more. But what if it is something more? Can I say we went on another date? I don’t say their names (I mean, eventually, I might if that’s how it worked out). I don’t tell about their stints in prison or that big mole on their…

Oops.

Heh.

Seriously though.

I’m really thinking about this because I’m taking another autobiography class. A few of us were talking and I was wondering how the other people felt about this book — the people that are discussed. We know one person killed herself after the book came out (but I’m sure the book was not the reason for her suicide).

This is my autobiography. I’m writing about the things that happen in my life and the people who pass through my life (except for those who specifically request that I don’t write about them).

If I don’t share these things, do I, as a writer, lose credibility? Do I lose authenticity? Oh, my life is swell and lovely and everything is painted a rosy pink. Is that how it would all come out if I didn’t talk about the events that happen in my life – like dating?

I don’t know. I do worry, though, that what I write may offend someone who could be someone important. But I also hope that if it was going to be something real, that person would take the time to talk to me about it and understand why I write here and why I want to share things about him. If he didn’t, he probably wouldn’t be the right person for me.

So…you know, I’ve been doing the dating thing. I meet men through our online profiles and we chat through email and then, eventually, if it all goes well, we meet up.

Last week, I had lunch with three different men. Oy. It was hectic. I had a busy work week, a crazy school week, and then I added three lunch dates on top of it.

I’m not sure that was the smartest thing I could do.

Then to top it off, I couldn’t remember if I was getting their names right when we were having lunch. Seriously. Part of that is because I call them by their nicknames: photographyguy, hikerguy, and youngguy.

Oh, yes. New guys.

And remember last summer when I asked why men my age wanted to date younger women? Oy. Vindication for them. A younger man (he’s 30) wrote to me and asked me if he was old enough for me.

So, this week, the age range was from 30 to 56. I covered it all. Heh.

And honestly, the best lunch was with the younger guy. We just had a good time. That was nice. He had me laughing. Laughing is good. The other two dates were so serious. No laughing.

I’m lucky I can remember my own name.

And now you know why I’m a slacker and not writing in my blog. I can’t remember anything and can’t think enough to actually write.

But I think I’m back on track. So be prepared.

Mwah-ha-ha!!!

I know. I’m a slacker. I am the epitome of the Gen X generation. I work hard but then crash and no one sees me for a few days (if not longer).

Right now, I’m working hard. Really hard. Work is absolutely insane and I’m worn out. I can’t think of anything to write because my head is filled with too many things from work.

I apologize for that.

Also, I’ve had lunch with MBAguy. I think it might become a friendship (if he returns my email) but nothing more than that. I don’t think he’s interested in moving away for me to get my PhD and I’m not interested in the programs we have here. That is all very understandable. He has two little kids that live here. In addition, there just didn’t seem to be that spark. He seemed very reserved.

The good news is that I’m feeling more comfortable with this and not putting a lot of pressure on myself for these first dates. It’s just a meeting. Where it goes from there is anyone’s guess. I have a lunch date with teaguy tomorrow. He seems like a nice guy but I’m not sure if it is going to be more than that. Again, I just didn’t feel the spark. My brother wants me to meet one of the firefighters in his station. I told him I’d be happy to. He said I’m playing the field. Heh. Well, what is the saying? You gotta kiss a lotta frogs…

And the yahoo moment of the week? I ordered my new camera. I’m getting the Nikon D200. And not that I’m watching UPS avidly or anything but it is already in town and should be delivered today. OMIGOD!!!

I know. Silly, eh? But this is the camera I’ve been wanting for some time. And it’s the one thing I will buy for myself this year that I really, really want (besides my graduation trip to Spain/France/wherever I end up going). This is it. It’s my birthday/Solstice/whatever present to myself.

And I’m so excited (refrains from breaking out in song and dance).

If only I could have had it delivered here at work. *sigh*

Okay. So, it turns out that fire guy isn’t such a bad guy after all.

Yeah, yeah. Bryan and sage, you were right. Color me embarrassed.

He had some family issues going on and didn’t want to call me when he was upset about them. He said he was pretty angry about this situation and didn’t want to bring it into the conversation. Which is pretty considerate, actually. But I’m not sure why he couldn’t just send an email to say so. That’s me thinking, though, and I know I can’t expect everyone to do exactly what I’d like them to do.

Darn it.

He called last night, though, and we had a good conversation. He either wants to come over during New Year’s weekend or wants me to visit his city during that weekend. I think that I’d like to meet him here first. This is where I feel safest. And while I know his city fairly well, it’s just not the same as being at home.

Oh…and he doesn’t know about my blog. But, as a friend keeps telling me, it’s not exactly hard to find me on the internets. I’m out there. Plain as day if you’re looking for me.

So, this multiple dating thing does not come without it’s problems. Tea guy can’t meet me for lunch tomorrow. Now he wants to reschedule for the same day that fire guy may be coming in to town.

Oy.

I’m not a good juggler. Not of people anyway. I juggle my things just fine but I don’t like juggling people. It just smacks of something seedy to me. And this isn’t an earthy, good seedy. It’s that rank, scary seedy. All right. Fine. Not necessarily scary. But still. Icky.

This is why I’m a monogamist. I hate this. If I didn’t, I’d be out playing the field all of the time.

Anyway, fire guy still wants to visit (is pretty excited about it, actually). Tea guy still wants to have lunch. And I haven’t even begun to discuss MBA guy. Oh, yes…there is MBA guy…and photography guy, too.

Yup. I’m just so dang popular.

*snort*

That’s the sound of my head hitting my desk over and over and over.

*thud*

*thud*

*thud*

Sometimes I just say stupid things. I get nervous. I talk too much when I’m nervous. I say stupid things.

Firefighter guy called on Saturday morning to explain that he couldn’t come because of his back. A conversation ensued. We started talking about some of the things we’ve done in the past and some things that we like to do. He talked about how he used to be a tandem parachute guide (the guy who flies with you when you jump from an airplane). He told me a bit about his brothers (one lives in Britain).

In his profile, he has an image of him poised on red rocks – the Toroweap lookout at the Grand Canyon. And so we started talking about the Canyon and about river trips. I’m pretty familiar with the whole river trip issue. Most of the trips originate from here (most of the big rafting companies are located here) and a lot of Canyon/Colorado River research trips are led by professors from my university.

Then he asks me if I’ve ever rafted or if I’ve ever wanted to raft.

“Oh!” I exclaim. “I’ve always thought that a full river trip would be a great honeymoon!”

Ahem.

So, one of the things that I do realize is that you don’t talk about marriage in your first phone conversation. And yet, what does Dawn do? Oh, yes. And it’s not even like marriage is on my mind. Oh, no. It’s not.

I’ve just always thought that would be a cool honeymoon. But it’s probably not the wisest thing to talk about during that first phone call.

And I have a feeling that I may have said the wrong thing. He said he’d call again yesterday but didn’t. This is the second time he said he’d call and didn’t. Apparently, I open my mouth and say stupid things and people are repelled by that.

And yes, yes…I know that I may be jumping to conclusions. But I also know that he was online since we last talked so it’s not like he’s dead or anything. He just didn’t call (again) when he said he would. And that irritates me.

Oy.