doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
dating
lifesaver
0
My brother, Todd, the firefighter, car-repairer extrordinaire (he’s rotating my tires here), and all-round great brother, said something to me the other day.
He, again, told me that i’m a good catch. He said to me, “You own your own house, you own your car outright with no payments, you have a great job, and you are working on higher degrees. Men would be lucky to have you.”
He went on to tell me that if I wanted to join a singles hiking club or photography club or something like that, he’d go with me the first few times. He knows I’m shy and that I have trouble going to group events alone.
I told him that we didn’t really have many of those things up here and he said he realized that. That if I wanted to go to Phoenix to join something, he’d meet me there.
Cool, right? I mean, that’s a supportive brother. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to be in a healthy relationship. I have everything else and he wants to see me be able to share it with someone.
I thought it was awesome. I thought it was sweet of him.
So I shared it with a man I was talking to online. We seemed to have some really great conversations going on and have a lot in common.
When I told him this, he said to me, “Your brother needs an Al Anon meeting.”
Uhhh….
I responded, “Uhhh…no. He wants me to find the happiness that he has. He worries about me. He knows that I’m more introverted and if he goes, I’ll be more likely to go.”
And I’m thinking here, whoa…don’t transfer your co-dependent issues onto me and my brother. And you don’t have siblings so how would you understand the support that siblings give to one another?
He says, “If I had an introverted sister, I would let her go or not.”
Wow. Okay. Again, I don’t think you understand the relationship between close siblings. This seemed to be going nowhere and fast. So I said, “Okay. That’s cool.”
But he didn’t take the hint. He kept going. “Or suggest places for her to go. Or give her tips on how to introduce herself and make conversation with strangers. Or give her the phone number of a good therapist. come to think of it, I doubt I would do any of those things unless she asked for help. Kind of like those alcoholics in my family.”
Ouch. So now, because I’m introverted, I’m being compared to alcoholics?
I stopped it. I told him he was being confrontational and turning something really nice into something that was just wrong.
That was a week ago. He hasn’t talked to me since.
And I’m okay with that. I think that when you put your own issues on someone else, there is something wrong. Yeah, we all make judgments but when that judgment starts to border on something not nice, then take a step back. Think about what you’re doing.
I like my brother. I think he’s cool. I admire him. He has overcome many of the same things I have to become a success. He’s smart and generous and beautiful. He has the biggest heart and he shares it freely with those he loves.
I’m thankful for having a brother who cares enough to want the best for me.
And that’s what it boils down to.
crisis?
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I admit it. I don’t understand what the whole “mid-life” crisis is about. I don’t get the need to revert back to your twenties and live a life you couldn’t have lived then because, 1) you didn’t have the same wisdom, 2) you didn’t have the same income, and 3) you probably don’t look like you did when you were in your 20s – receding hairline, potbelly, thickening around the jowls.
You know what I mean.
So I don’t get it. Does buying a fast car make you feel younger? Isn’t youthful feeling an internal feeling and how do you compliment that by buying a car?
Does dating a 25-year-old woman make you feel more virile? Can’t you find the same thing by dating a woman your own age? Can’t you make your love and sex life exciting with someone who wasn’t in diapers when you were a teenager?
Yeah. I’m irritated. I got an e-mail from an ex who said,
I’ve been dealing with being 41 and all that comes from that reality. My last GF was 26 and while it wasn’t a big deal, it may commonly be more of big deal to other women. It seems if I want to have a long term relationship, women 30 something is possible, but below that I’m just seen as a dirty old man. Interestingly in the UK, I noticed that women seem to be more broad in their age preferences than what I’ve seen in (his city). Wonder if it’s cultural?
I commented back to him,
Okay, so the age thing…women in the UK can often have the very same thoughts as Canadian or U.S. women. Maybe it’s the women you’ve talked to who don’t but my experience is that the same issues are there.
So, I was thinking about this issue. I know how I feel about it. As a nearly 40 year old woman, I’m finding it increasingly hard to find men who are interested in women our own ages. They want 25-year-olds. Sure that can make us a bit disenchanted with the men our age. And it makes us wonder what in the hell they are looking for. Tight bodies. Pfftt. They certainly aren’t going to get the wisdom that only comes with age. They certainly aren’t going to have someone who understands the same cultural and social references because those girls weren’t even born when we were teenagers.
I’m not interested in 25-year-old men. They are boys. They act like boys and they think like boys. I want a man.
So I wanted to bypass my own prejudices on this and talk to a few younger women about it. We have quite a few student workers in the department who range from 20 – 28. Every single one of them, without coaxing from me, said that they would consider a 40-year-old man hitting on them a dirty old man. All 8 of them said the same thing (and I didn’t ask them together – I asked them separately). It wasn’t exciting for them. They want guys their own age.
But I am curious. Why are younger women so much more appealing to men? I actually like men my age. I think they are sexy and engaging and interesting. They have lived. They have experienced life. That’s exciting to me.
But, as I told my brother, it looks like I missed the boat. I’m no longer twenty-five and don’t hold the same enticements that I once did.
Bummer.
tangled
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I’m talking to Erin today at work. We’re discussing my recent entries on dating and meeting guys online. I was telling her some of my stories about the things that have happened in my quest for love.
I said to her that if I was able to write things in a humorous fashion, this blog could be hilarious. I could write my own version of “No Sex in the City.”
Unfortunately, I can’t write in a comedic fashion whatsoever. Darn it. Because some of this is so sad, it’s funny.
Take, for instance, a recent respondent to a profile on a site. This is his very first correspondence with me (seriously, you can’t make this stuff up!):
Dear xxx (I trust that’s your name):
As you can well imagine, I don’t live in Beverly Hills….just somewhere in greater Flagstaff. There is something special about you and your photos, full of charm and energy….and you have one of those magically beautiful Celtic faces, with the accompanying bonus of frecles!. In addition, you are a fellow Beagle lover!
Therefore, I feel compelled to contact you in the hope of meeting you someday. For a variety of reasons, I can’t give out more info about myself on this site….of course, all this would be forthcoming if, by some miracle, you would like to establish a dialogue. I
f you want to see more photo of me, go to: http://photos.yahoo.com/xxxxxxx
That’s it ~~~~ xxx
Okay, first sign that something is wrong? He puts a different city on his profile. Second? He says he can’t go into details about his life.
What could he be hiding? Could he be…ohhh…you know. Married?
Huh.
I write back.
Hi, xxx,
Xxx is not my real name but it is the name I use in this online community until I get to know people. :-) Why does your profile say Beverly Hills? Is that so that people here in town don’t find you when doing a search? Is there a huge secret to you being on this site?
Yeah. I’m not going to play the game. I’m gonna ask him outright. And he is honest, at least, when he writes back.
Quite simply, I put down Beverly Hills instead of Flagstaff because I didn’t want to be discovered on this site by anyone I know here in my home stomping grounds of northern Arizona. The are two principal reasons for this: 1) I’ve never done anything like this before, so I don’t want my relative ignorance in this area to come back and bite me in the butt and 2) as you can well imagine, I’m married….even though I am fully committed to the proposition that developing a personal connection with someone special, regardless of circumstance, should always be pursued, I also believe in maintaining highly elevated levels of discretion so as not to hurt others. For the record, my marriage is good but, after more than 15 years, the romantic/erotic nature of the relationship has diminished significantly, as often happens. With every passing year, my wife is more my sister than my lover.
Oh, boohoohoo. Not the “I’m in a relationship where my wife doesn’t give me what I need.” It’s so cliche that movies make fun of it.
And this is something I’ve never understood. If your marriage isn’t good, why don’t you do something about it? Either work on it or get out. Sheesh.
So I tell him, short and sweet,
While I appreciate the interest you have shown in me, I am looking for a long-term relationship. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I was trying to be nice but firm.
Did he take the hint? Egads. No.
After contemplating your brief message, it occurred to me that we could possibly both benefit from me writing to you once again.
You write that you are looking for a long-term relationship….for the record, I am also interested in and possibly offering that. Do all LTRs (Long-Term Relationships) have to also be conventional in nature? Does human love always come with a template?
From my very first “sighting” of you, my instincts have indicated that you are a very special woman and that to establish a personal connection with someone like you could also be very special. In addition, looking at it as well from a logical and logistical standpoint, we do both live in Flagstaff….nothing to sneeze at in a country of almost 300 million (legal!) inhabitants, 50 states and various territories, 3,000 counties, and God-knows-how-many municipalities and unicorporated areas. I do hope you reconsider and that we could at least meet for coffee one day….imagine how scintillating the conversation could be!
Okay, so it gets worse and worse. Dude. You’re MARRIED. That’s it. That’s final.
But do I actually say that? Alas, no. He thinks he has a chance. And I’m stupid and give him that hope, I’m sure, when I say,
We could become friends but anything beyond that is out of the question. I don’t share well and I do want a relationship that is more traditional. That’s just how I am. I’ve tried a lot of different relationships and the one that works best for me is a traditional one.
He tries one more time and says if I don’t answer him, he’ll leave me alone.
I haven’t answered him.
But dang, I’m such a great catch, doncha know? *snort*
the bright eyes of youth
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The aforementioned younger man has written that he’s shy. He has written that he has trouble talking to others. In fact, as we’ve conversed online, I’ve found his ability to create ongoing conversations a little stilted.
That doesn’t matter to me. I like a challenge. I also like to encourage people. So I’ve talked to him. I’ve drawn him out a bit.
We talk about photography. He’s telling me all about the ways you should take photos and what filters you should use and whatnot. He goes on and on about it. I’m willing to listen. Heck, I might learn something from him. So I ask him what kind of a camera he has. He doesn’t have one. He asks the same and I list mine out. And I say, because I guess I’m humble in some ways, that even though I have the tools, it doesn’t make me a great photographer. I’m an avid photographer but it doesn’t make me good. He says that I can keep practicing and he’s sure I’ll get there.
Ahem. He didn’t ask to see anything I’ve done. He didn’t even ask what kind of photography I do.
He wrote to tell me that it might be hard to meet someone because he is shy but he’s willing to try. So I commiserate and tell him that I’m introverted and get scared about meeting people.
He writes me back today. He says,
I’ve never had a problem with meeting someone from the net. You hear all sorts of crazy stories, but I think the vast majority of internet users are who they say they are, especially if they’re willing to meet in person. At the very least, they’re no more dangerous or suspicious than any stranger you might pass on the street.. and most people pass strangers on the street without a thought.
Aside from that, I find that having met someone online before meeting them in person is a lot easier than just striking up conversations with total strangers. After all, you’ve already broken the ice and made your introductions, you know a little about them, and if they’re coming out somewhere to meet you, then you can probably assume they’ll be friendly.
Of course, many people, especially young women, are convinced that either the internet is some kind of alternate fantasy world populated by people who aren’t real, or else it’s full of smelly 67-year-old drug crazed transvestite perverts who are looking for someone to rape or mug. I find this a constant source of frustration.
And I chuckle to myself.
Granted, he knows very little about me. He doesn’t know that I’ve met over 100 people from online. He doesn’t know that 4 of my last 5 relationships were with men I met online. He doesn’t know that I’ve even lived with 1 of those men.
I’m not afraid that people aren’t real or that someone is going to turn out to be a 67-year-old drug-crazed transvestite pervert (heck, that might be fun!).
I get scared because of me. I get scared because I am nervous around new people.
It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.
It really makes me chuckle at how he’s trying to be worldly when I’ve probably been online since he was a kid and have traveled more places to meet more people than he’ll probably ever consider.
But hey, that’s part of the fun of online dating.
Heh.
dating in the 00s
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Dating sucks.
It sucks even more when you’re nearly 40, you’ve never been married (so people wonder what’s wrong with you), you’re somewhat reclusive/introverted, and you don’t know how to meet guys unless it’s online.
Seriously.
I wouldn’t know how to meet a local guy locally if I was pushed head first into it.
So I meet men online. I’ve been doing it for nearly 15 years at this point (and some have been okay and some not so okay). But that’s how I do it.
So, I’m talking to a man online (a younger man, as it may be – someone I probably wouldn’t consider normally but there is very little chance that it will go anywhere because he’s moving to Oregon soon). Yeah. He lives in my town. I could probably see him within 15-20 minutes if traffic was good.
We’ve been talking onliine for a month. Have we met? No. Have we talked on the phone? No. Have we even exchanged names? Nope.
But all of a sudden, his move date has been pushed up and I say to him, “Wow. That’s soon. Maybe we can meet for coffee (or since I don’t drink coffee, tea) before you leave.”
Ack!
And he replies, “My week is open.”
Uhhh. I didn’t mean right away. Ummm. Runaway. Runaway. Scared. Frightened. Good god.
I’m 39 years old and men (even 10 years my junior) still have the ability to make me act like a little girl.
Sheesh.
You would think I’d be over it by now.
But the plain truth is that I love men. I adore them. I like talking to them. I like hanging out with them. I like hearing their perspectives on things.
And I like the way that a look, a simple look, can make me weak in the knees.
And that all scares me at the same time.
I haven’t responded yet. Maybe I’ll suggest meeting for lunch sometime.
Not this week.
Maybe next.
inept
0I think I’m socially inept. I have trouble talking to people unless I know them well and I say the most stupid and inane things.
I joined one of those online dating sites. I figured that it’s hard for me to meet people because I work so much and go to school (and the only people at school are usually either 10-15 years younger than me or my professors…heh).
So, I went out on a date on Saturday. It was nice. While I think there was a connection, the person is moving to California at the end of the week so there is no chance for it to go anywhere. It’s disappointing but it is what it is, I suppose.
I was a dork on the date. I fluttered. My hands fluttered. I’m terribly shy in those kinds of situations and I acted stupid.
I’m embarrassed by that.
It starts to make me wonder if there is hope. I wonder if I’ll be able to overcome my social phobias to actually meet a nice guy that is meant for me.
want
0The paper is going well. It’s going to be about 20 pages, I think. Ack!
—
A list of wants…
- I want to ride a bicycle built for two with someone I love.
- I want to slow dance, in our living room, to a song that means something only to us.
- I want to be handed a warm towel as I get out of the shower (and, if I’m really lucky, to be dried, head to toe).
- I want to take that bike ride with my loved one, writing our epic travel journal, and making love in every place we stop.
- I want to whisper “I love you” into his mouth as we kiss.
- I want to hold his hand
- I want to read in bed with him.
- I want to be picked up from work by the person I love and share the commute home.
I think the prerequisite is that I find “him” first…but at least I have things I’d like to do. Heh.
let it go
0Well, I was right in not feeling comfortable posting some things here because they are being read. In fact, this is what was sent to me:
BTW while I was there today I did read your drama post about being watched and not being able to post your true feelings because I might see them….I could really care less Dawn.
This is the thing. If people really don’t care, why do they go back? Why do they then have to say that they don’t care? Why can’t breakups just “be” instead of people having to attack one another and say mean things.
I tried to be honest about my feelings about posting. I wasn’t trying to create drama. I’m not even sure that it was drama.
So, this is the thing…I was the person that set up a Xanga account for him. I did all of the work and design of the site. He never posted in there. So, I closed it down. I took down the graphics, cleaned out the posts, and changed the password. I did it so that I could be done with that part of my life. He sent me that e-mail above after he came back to use the account…not to make a post on his own site, I’m sure…since it hadn’t been touched in a year and a half.
Maybe me cleaning out the account wasn’t the nicest thing but I needed to move on.
Anyway…I guess I can just post and deal with the messages because I enjoy and respect the feedback I get here from my regular readers. Y’all are the best.
somebody is watching me
0Ok…I realize that I suck at keeping up to date here. I do. I want to get in, write, say things, respond to your sites, share life, joys, upsets, whatever. I really suck at getting in here, though. I’ve got every excuse in the world: I work a lot, I go to school full-time, I just bought and moved into a new home, my family has issues, I am busy dating someone (ok, I’m not but it could be an excuse SOMEDAY!).
There’s always an excuse.
I love to write. I write constantly. So why can’t I write here?
I’ll be honest. Part of it is that I feel watched by an ex. He knows this site. He could be reading this right now. I’ll hear about it. I don’t feel free. I don’t feel like I can express how I feel about my life, my joys, my breakups, my get-togethers, etc. because I may be watched.
That sucks, too.
Part of it is that I tend to be pretty private about the things that really affect me and I don’t feel good about being superficial here. I want to be able to explore all different sides of me.
I can try. See how it all goes. It doesn’t hurt to try. Right?
That being said, I wanted to share a bit with you all.
This is my new home.
I haven’t taken any pictures inside, yet. It’s a manufactured home (they have a bad rap but the new ones are amazing…stucco’d walls, 2×6 walls, skylight, etc.) but it’s on 2 1/2 acres so I can always build later (when I can afford more).
You can see that there is a nice hill behind me covered with trees. That’s to the south of me. To the west are more hills. In the far distance of the north, there are even more hills that I can see.
This view is of the San Francisco Peaks to the northeast of me. My neighbor has a lot of animals.
This view is Mount Elden to the southeast of me.
I hope you enjoy a piece of me.
