doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
friendship
season’s greetings
05 years ago
I think I have the best readers in the world.
Seriously.
Several of you sent emails wishing me happy holidays (and because I’ve been busy, I haven’t gotten back to you).
Several of you have wished me happy holidays in other ways (on flickr, in my photographs, through blog posts, etc.).
That you took the time to do so really means a lot.
I just want to take this time to say thank you. Thank you for returning, time and again, for reading, commenting, sharing your own lives with me. Thank you for becoming a part of my life.
I wish for you the happiest of holidays. More than that, I hope that the new year is full of promise and hope, good health and a lot of love. I hope for you the very best.
Thank you and season’s greetings to all of you.
beacon
05 years ago
I’m at work yesterday, joking around with a co-worker (one of my favorite people, it so happens) and we were talking about yesterday’s conversation with the tea date.
“I’m a beacon for psychopaths.”
She laughs.
“Seriously. The police don’t need to set up stings or all-nighters to catch their psychopathic serial killers. Just send me out into the world. If they are into women, they will be drawn to me like a moth to a candle.”
Her eyes light up and she starts thinking.
“I have dated men who have killed birds and cats and dogs, you know,” I continue. “Ok, maybe not — but they could have!”
She tells me how she lived just down the street from where Jeffrey Dahmer used to lure young men into his house.
“I’m glad you’re not a boy,” I said.
“Me, too.”
So, I began to wonder. If I had lived there, boy or not, would Jeffrey Dahmer have been drawn to me?
Hmmm.
being yourself
05 years ago
Don’t you love having those friends that you can be you around – whoever that may be?
I love the kinds of friendships where you can talk for hours about nothing or about everything and at the end of it, you wish you had more time for all of it.
I’m thinking about friendship again because the same topic has come up with two different people. Both men have talked about being friends with women (namely me) and how a lot of other people don’t think it’s possible to be “just friends” with a woman.
I’m here to say that not only is it possible but those relationships can turn out to be some of the most rewarding.
I’ve recently invited a friend to come live with me if some other opportunities don’t pan out for him. He loves Flagstaff and he knows that he would be happy coming back here.
We’ve been friends for a long time and it would be nice to have him back in town.
There hasn’t ever been anything but friendship between us and, yet, we have an incredibly intimate friendship. We talk about all kinds of things. Actually, we’re very honest with one another and can talk about anything.
I cherish that friendship. It is special to me because it is one of a kind.
And creating new friendships with other men is just as fun. There isn’t any pressure to deal with all of that “relationship” stuff. We can just be us and have fun. Or disagree. Or tease relentlessly. Or even flirt. Because we know it won’t go any further and it’s all done with the best of intentions.
When I can talk with someone for hours on end, about language usage or movies or food or travel or our love for the outdoors, that is special. It means something to me.
I treasure those moments.
hanging out
05 years ago
Who was in your group, clique, or posse when you were a teen?
Before we moved to Flagstaff in the middle of my senior year, I was in high school in Las Vegas, Nevada.
At Bonanza High School, I belonged to a lot of different clubs and hung out with different people.
I was in theater and speech & debate. I was in the honor society. I was in band, softball, volleyball, and basketball. I was in student government and SADD (students against drunk driving).
So, I hung out with whomever was around at the time…depending on what function or meeting I was attending.
When we moved to Flagstaff, I had a core set of friends. We were in a smaller town and the people in the same groups tended to be the same people.
I was still involved in a lot of groups but I had a core set of 5 other friends who got me through that last year of high school. We were the types that people liked to beat up on – sensitive, dramatic, and a bit on the outer boundaries of other kids. We dressed in different types of clothing than our peers. We acted differently. We thought of ourselves as the beatniks of our generation: dark sunglasses, long trenchcoats, writing poetry on napkins in the Denny’s while drinking coffee, smoking clove cigarettes (well, not me so much), and speaking of loftier things.
We were okay with being different. It suited us.
assessment
05 years ago
A few things have happened lately that have caused me to rethink the entries I’ve been making and to maybe want to make a justification or an explanation about things.
First, let me start off by saying that I’m not unhappy as a single woman. In fact, I have a pretty good life. I don’t want for anything – food, shelter, clothing, and utilities are all available to me. I come home to a beagle that adores me and gets excited to see me. I have views out my front door that take my breath away on a daily basis. I have relationships with family and co-workers that make me smile and think and be thankful for what I have. I am busy with work and with school and love both of them and how I feel in those areas.
In short, I have an exceptionally good life. And I’d like to share it with someone.
But I’m wondering if my ventures into talking about dating and marriage and kids is causing some confusion, especially with men I consider my friends. As I said to someone recently, I don’t want to appear vulturous or crazed about finding a partner. I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t want my male friends to think or feel like I’m sizing them up to see how they will fit into this “ideal mate” category.
I’m not.
I’ve known Steve since 1991 when the local community college opened up its doors and we both were taking classes. We met in a joint venture of starting a school newsletter. It was fun. We were young and idealistic and excited about a lot of things and had much in common.
We started hanging out a lot, talking about things. We were never more than friends. Not at all. But our relationship was, and always has been, an intimate one. We can talk about anything with one another. We have one of those rare friendships where we can pick up the conversation where it left off even if it has been a year (or, in one case, almost 5 years) since we last talked.
Steve and I have known one another longer than any of our very intimate relationships have lasted. I like knowing that I have a friend out there, a male friend, at that, that has been around long enough and known me long enough to see me change (and hopefully grow) and still likes me.
So when I heard Steve’s voice and knew that he needed a friend, it wasn’t hard for me to offer up a room in my house. I adore this man. I want only the best for him.
But then there was this thing. And I started to worry.
Omigod…maybe he thinks, especially after my latest blog entries, that I’m inviting him only because I’m looking for a partner. And yet, that was the furthest thing from my mind.
So we talked about it. He understood that and was more worried about doing any harm to our friendship. Which, in my book, is awesome. He cares enough about our friendship to want to preserve it.
And then I received an email from a reader. In it, he said that he hoped he wasn’t leading me on.
Eh? I…uhhh…ummm. Hmmm. I thought we were building a good online friendship type of rapport. I wasn’t even thinking about him in terms of an intimate relationship.
I also received an email from a guy in the online dating site that I frequent. In it, he said he’d love to talk language/linguistics with me. Yay! I thought, how cool! One of my favorite topics! I love that. And he closes it with, “I realize you probably have better things to do than chat with unavailable strangers.”
Hmmm. I’ll talk to you if you’re unavailable. I’m not on the prowl and willing to jump any guy (well, okay, maybe…but that’s purely a physical thing and completely controllable…heh!). I can be friends with guys without having to have a more-than-friends relationship (see Steve above for proof of that).
And all of this has made me wonder what kinds of signals I’m sending out.
Do I appear needy? Stalking of prey? Waiting to descend on the masses of men (hah!) who happen to wander into my blog lair?
Do I want a long-term intimate relationship? Yeah. But, honestly, I’m not actively pursuing anything beyond writing a few emails in the dating site (and even that is sporadic simply because I just don’t have the time or energy – especially with the way work has been going lately!).
I’m just sorting things out. Trying to figure out where I belong and where I’m going.
I can be your friend and not want anything more to come of it. I’m good at that.
friendship
05 years ago
So, there is this thing called friendship. I know you’re all familiar with it. I’m sure most of you have people you call friends, maybe even BEST friends. You may have that girlfriend you can call up in the middle of the night when you have something that is pressing and you need to talk it out with her. You may have that guy friend who will go on long motorcycle rides with you because he understands the enjoyment of being together and yet being in your own little world.
Or maybe you have a group of friends that you travel with or that you meet up with once a year in a great place to swap the stories of your lives.
I don’t have that.
I don’t think that I’ve had close friends that I hung out with on a regular basis since the early 90s.
I have online friends – people that are strictly online and who converse with me on a regular basis.
I have online/offline friends – people I met online and have had the opportunity to meet offline a few times but not enough to “hang out.”
I have work friends – people I occasionally have lunch with, talk to in depth, but rarely, if ever, see outside of work.
I started thinking about this because one of my work friends said something to me the other day. I had told her about my brother saying he’d go out with me to the singles hiking groups, etc. I had shared with her some of the issues that I deal with in online dating. We have talked rather extensively about both of our lives in-between doing work. In fact, she met her husband online and understands some of the issues I’m dealing with.
So we’re talking about how to meet people. I told her that I think Flagstaff is one of those towns where it’s incredibly hard to meet people. The only place to go is bars and who wants to meet someone there? I said, “Most of those men only want one night stands, anyway.”
She cracks me up. She responded with, “Well, once in a while that may not be so bad.” Heh.
She said that she and her girlfriends (before she was married) used to hang out at one another’s homes or go do things together. They would meet men through one another.
I told her that I didn’t have that kind of a network. She looked at me. I said, “I don’t have any girlfriends.” She looked at me again.
“Dawn. What am I? I’m your girlfriend. Am I chopped liver?”
Oh…and I had to open my big mouth. “But…you’re a work friend. I don’t see you outside of work.”
She says, “That can be changed. Let’s do something. Let’s hang out.” She made as if to take off her wedding ring and said, “I’ll go looking for single men with you.”
I laughed. “You and my brother are looking out for me.”
We talked some more. But it was in the back of my head and still is. This is a woman who wants to be my friend – outside of work. She wants to hang out. She wants to do things. She has my best interests at heart and cares about me enough to want me to find someone to be with.
And I don’t know how to tell her thank you. Because with those few words, “I’m your girlfriend”, she touched my heart. And she made me feel really good about this friendship we’re building.
A friendship. Who woulda thunk it?
slightly cracked
05 years ago
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
~ Bernard Meltzer ~
I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately.
I don’t have a lot of friends…not people I can call up and tell my stories to or people I can hang out with.
I think part of this is because we moved so much when I was a kid. My friends were my family. They were the people I turned to when I wanted to talk, when I needed to cry, when I wanted to do something.
The problem with that is that my brothers, the closest people to me, are much more social than I am. They make friends easily. They like to socialize. So they have a lot of friends.
I only have them.
And that can be lonely.
Then they both got married – to their best friends, no less. Their marriages are the kinds that we all wish we had. They truly, even after 15 years together, enjoy one another.
While both of their wives welcome me into their homes, they are no longer “my” family but I am now “extended” family.
For me, though, they are all I have. And I’m sure that is a lot of pressure to put on people who have lives of their own.
But where does a person turn when she doesn’t really have anyone?
self-confidence
06 years ago
So many of us live in that in-between world of not quite feeling confident enough to blow our own horn but feeling that we are doing a good job at whatever it is that we’re doing.
I have surrounded myself with brilliant people. I like being around them because I learn so much from them. I see the world in a different way. But I hate being around them, at times, because I don’t feel as intelligent or I feel inadequate at the same time.
Two of these brilliant people told me that was silly (and one has called me brilliant himself). They told me that maybe what I’m doing is focusing on a different area that we don’t discuss so much (which is true with my graduate work – I don’t talk about it much and the stuff we do talk about tends to be areas where they are much more fluent and confident).
Thursday I had my performance review at work. I was nervous. I’ve never enjoyed that kind of stuff because I’ve never really felt confident about my role in an organization.
Right before I go in, one of my co-workers comes in to my office and tells me that one of the student workers is appreciative of my work. He says that this person has asked that we don’t allow projects to go public without having me look over them first. He said that having me look over them and verify things makes the end product that much better and makes him proud of the work he is producing.
Wow. Just wow. That’s pretty cool to hear. I wasn’t sure if anyone really noticed me or the work I was doing.
So I go in for the review and my boss and I are talking. She’s great. I couldn’t ask for a better supervisor and one who really seems to *get* me and all my foibles. We walk through the ratings and the comments. I’m cool with all of it. I knew where I had to make some adjustments and was pleasantly surprised by the areas she commented on as strengths for me and the areas she thought I’d like to set for my goals for the next year. It all ends up using my education for my career (and how many of us can say that these days???).
We’re at the end and she asks me to look it over again and to tell her where I think I fit within this 5 point rating. She tells me that I have to be realistic. I can’t go too low.
She knows me.
I say 3. It’s how I feel (well, I would have said 2 if she hadn’t said I couldn’t go too low). She shakes her head. She disagrees with me and we talk about it. I laugh, chagrined and a bit embarrassed, and tell her I was going to say 2.
I think, sometimes, when someone you respect tells you that you’re worth more than you think you are, it can make all the difference.
And that very day, four different people told me that I was worth a lot.
I wasn’t invisible.
looking in
06 years ago
Yesterday I bought my plane tickets to Vancouver. To say I’m excited is an understatement. I fell in love with that city. It is beautiful in ways that are impossible to describe.
I can’t tell you how it feels to stand on a landing and watch a storm come in and envelope the city. I can’t explain the peace of riding a very crowded express bus along the highway but between the towering trees of Stanley Park.
I can’t begin to convey how much the melding of ocean and mountains touches me.
Vancouver takes my breath away.
But mostly, it’s the people I visit, the people I meet along the way. They are what make the trips especially joyful.
I’m an interloper on this beautiful city. I’m not an inhabitant of the city nor even the country. I’m being allowed in by the good graces of the people of Canada.
And I appreciate that more than they can ever know.
purge
0
I think I write one of those notorious “mommy” blogs without even being a “mommy.” I write about my beloved Dakota, my nieces and nephews, my work, my school, and my love life. I’m way too normal. I need to shake it up.
Today will NOT be that day, though. I have to share a few things from yesterday that were great.
First, Dakota did not pee in the house. YAY!!! He was such a good boy. And he wasn’t as crazy as he’s been the past few days when I got in to let him out. I am still going to take him to the vet, though, to make sure he’s okay and not ill.
My friend, Simon, began his application to go back to university for some graduate work. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. It is, though. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say that they’d like to go back to school – but they don’t make it happen. 6 months, a year, 3 years, 5 years go by and they never go back. Simon, after 10 years, is going back to achieve a goal he has set for himself. And to that, I say, congratulations!
And my weeo…my girl…she…ohhh. Last night I call up to ask her Dad something and she says she needs to talk to me. She tells me that she’s reading the books that I bought her for Solstice. I tell her that I’m excited to hear all about them. She tells me that she loves chapter books and I bought her the best gift ever. But, she says, my brain is very full and I’m not sure I’ll be able to remember the stories to be able to tell them to you.
Ahhh. Your brain is full. I understand, I tell her. Mine gets that way, too. She says that school makes her brain full. When she gets home to read, it’s hard to remember. Again, I tell her that I understand. I told her that sometimes I even have trouble sleeping because my brain is so full of the things I’m learning in school.
So then she tells me, “Dawn, that’s why I talk. I empty my brain so I can fill it some more.”
I didn’t laugh but I wanted to. THAT’S the reason she talks so much?
Shadow gets on the phone and I relay this conversation to him. He says to me, “Her brain must be VERY full. She doesn’t quit talking.”
I love that girl.
And to empty my brain, I do the equivalent. I come here and share with you, gentle readers, longtime companions of this writing world.