doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
friendship
guardian angels
06 years ago
I think I have guardian angels. And if they aren’t guardian angels, they are surrogate parents. I wonder if I exude the need for someone to care for me, to take care of me.
That’s an odd notion considering that I’ve lived on my own for so long.
However, I think that between the cancer, getting sick all of the time, and discernible signs of stress, people see this need to watch out for me because I don’t seem to do a good job of it myself.
My brother, Todd, is watching out for my health. He calls me with lists of food that I should eat – foods that are high in anti-oxidants and low in fat. He has prescribed a good workout routine for me (that I do enjoy each day before I go in to work).
My brother, Shadow, my boss, and my grad advisor are all watching out for my mental health. Shadow and my boss are concerned that I may be taking too heavy of a load this semester. They worry that I want to go forward so badly that I may hurt myself now. My advisor warns me not to volunteer for too many things (even for her) and doesn’t want me diving in to too many projects at the expense of my sanity.
My co-workers make me laugh on a daily basis and remind me that there is not much that is so serious that I can’t laugh at life and myself throughout the day.
Weeo, weeo…my little doppelganger, miss Willow, makes me laugh at EVERYTHING. How can you not enjoy life when an almost 7-year-old gangly girl is draping herself over you and saying the funniest things you’ve ever heard?
And speaking of kids – my nieces and nephews watch out for my heart. They make sure it is supplied with a lot of sweet smiles, big hugs, wet kisses, and heart-stopping love.
Dakota lets me cry. He lets me curl up on the floor and sob when I need to get those emotions out. And then he comes right into that curl and plops his furry body into it and nuzzles me until I can’t help but smile and, eventually, even laugh. When a dog has so much empathy that your pain is his pain, you can’t stay sad for too long.
My friend, Simon, listens to my everyday tales of silliness – and with his dry sense of humor, he cracks me up daily. Then he makes me think and makes my brain work.
I have guardian angels.
And, I think, if we all look into our lives, we all have them. We just don’t always recognize them as such.
thinking about
06 years ago
I am thinking about some of you who I know read my blog with some regularity. There are those of you who rarely comment but read. There are those of you who do comment. There are those of you who send me e-mails instead of commenting publicly.
To all of you, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to give my thoughts a moment. Thank you for pausing to hear my ramblings. Thank you for taking the time to share in the joys of my life (and there are many – I’m not under any misconceptions about that) and to share in the sadness of my life (thankfully, not as much in this category).
Thank you for supporting me, for giving me a “way to go” on occasion and for giving me that kick in the butt when I need it.
Someone recently wrote to me and said that she thought I would write here even if no one read it. And that’s true. I’ve been writing in journals for decades and no one has ever read those (although, that is to change soon – I’ll be doing a Retro Saturday post starting tomorrow – just to assess how far I’ve come and what my dreams and fears were back in the day). However, you all make this much more enjoyable.
I like knowing that I’m not alone in some of my thoughts. I like knowing that there are people out there who care about me and who do the most awesome things to make sure I know that.
I have made friends through this blog. I have come to care about some of you very much and I appreciate everythign you share with me.
Some people I’ve known for years and have even met in person. Others I’ve only known through the virtual medium. However I know you, know that you are cherished and appreciated. You make this all worth the effort and the time. You make me smile (and sometimes even cry with the poignancy in which you write).
I don’t want to leave anyone out but I need to do something here. I would like to make two special mentions just because I adore these two people and they have made a huge impact on my life (and, fortunately for me, I’ve met both of them in person and they are just as wonderful there).
Sometimes those we love are having a difficult time and I want both of these people to know that I am thinking of them and sending healing thoughts to both.
ash – I love you. I miss your writings. I miss your musings. I miss my friend, sweetpea. Give the prince and princess big hugs for me and make sure their mommy knows that she is cherished. Don’t hide out for too long. I want to hear from you.
On Vancouver Island, I was fortunate enough to meet some wonderful people and to spend time in their house, enjoying the warmth of family. Last Christmas, I was there, with them. This Christmas, I want to send out special thoughts to them. J., heal well. I’m sending positive thoughts your way and thinking of you daily. Don’t let that furry goodness you’ve got bounce off of you anymore! :-) Much love to you and your family. You are loved from down here in the south.
And to the rest of my readers: thank you again. You make this all so much fun. I enjoy knowing you are here with me, sharing in all of this fun stuff we call life. Much love and appreciation.
dawn
milestones
0
Yesterday was my 39th birthday.
I suddenly felt old. There haven’t been many birthdays that have made me feel that way but this one did.
My brother said it was because I’ve been sick (and still am recovering) and because I’m so tired. It’s been a long, difficult semester and I’m worn out.
I don’t know if that’s it.
Part of it was that I was taking stock of my life.
I’m not married.
I don’t have any kids.
I don’t have many friends.
Besides my family, I can count on one hand the friends who remembered my birthday (and all of you read my blog – so thank you for remembering – two friends I have never met and 2 friends I have).
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My brother told a parable to his daughter yesterday. He told her the story of the tortoise and hare – with a twist. He was the tortoise and I was the hare and it had to do with our education.
He has told me to slow down. He says I don’t need to go full-time in graduate school. He says that working full-time and going to school full-time is making me sick. I don’t have time for fun. I don’t have time to relax. I am working, working, working – getting sick – working, working, working – getting sick. There is nothing else.
I worry about slowing down. I want to get my degrees. I want to reach my goals.
But I don’t want to die doing it.
–
I’m feeling old.
trumpeting beauty
06 years ago
He said that he’d like to see me blossom, become more comfortable around people. He wanted me to come out of my shell, expose myself a little more.
I wonder if he understood how difficult that was for me. I wonder if he understood what trust meant or the power of the words he said to me. I wonder if he realized, then, that I wanted to blossom if only to make him smile…and maybe make myself smile, too.
I reached out to him, wanting to blossom beneath his gaze. I wanted to watch him watch me open up.
I wonder if he understood that without nurturing care, it’s difficult to blossom. When you pour harsh words over struggling petals, they want to curl back inward and close up again. I wondered, again, if he understood the power of his words.
–
In May, I lost a job. In June, I lost a friend and someone I thought I’d have a future with. In September, I got cancer. I gained weight. I became depressed. I lost track of me.
In May, I got a job. In August I started graduate school. In October, I got a better job. I started working out again. I went out with friends (and even invited 20 or so over to my hermit cave for a BBQ). I realized that I had never lost me but that I had scurried back into that cocoon where I feel safe.
–
I could wallow. I could say “why me?”
And I came *that* close to doing just that. The cancer was the final straw. I couldn’t take anymore. I was tired and scared and felt alone. The physical pain diminshed but the emotional pain would not leave.
I came *that* close to screwing things up. I lost sight of what is important to me because I wanted to stay in the warmth of that cocoon.
A funny thing happened, though. I realized that I wasn’t alone.
I’ve said, over and over, how much my brothers are always there for me. And they didn’t disappoint me this time. They are my foundation.
But there is more. People I have never met reached out and gave me strength, let me know they were thinking of me.
People I had just met in the last few months reached out, letting me know that they were there for me, to help me. My student workers were amazing – sending me thoughtful e-mails, giving me a card, offering to pick things up at the store for me.
People called…just to see how I was.
My professors have been amazing. Supportive, encouraging, and patient with me in my recovery.
I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring. I call myself anti-social. I tell people that I don’t like people much – mostly because I don’t understand people much. Partly because I don’t know who to trust. Partly because I want to trust everyone. Partly because they scare me. Partly because I want them to love me.
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I’m done. I can’t allow the pain, emotional or physical, to stop me from living, to stop me from reaching goals that I set for myself 25 years ago.
–
I want to say to him, “Look at me. I am blossoming. Life may drench me in rain and then scorch me in heat but I survive. I push through and open my petals to the experiences.”
I want to say to him, “Don’t hide away from the world. Embrace it yourself. Open yourself up to new experiences. Trust that people will stay by your side even when you push them away.”
And I want to say to him, “Be careful with what you say. Your words have power. They mean something.”
And I want to wish him the glory of life. And I want to wish him joy. And I want to wish him peace.
nothing
06 years ago
I religiously read the blog of an online friend every day. It is raw. It is the dirty underbelly of society that we often close our eyes to and that we refuse to see even though it’s there. It is pain. It is love. It is horrific and it is joyous.
Today, though, I read something that hurt me to the core.
Someone asked her about her reflection in the mirror. She said she’s invisible to others. When asked what she sees, she said, “nothing.”
That hurt my heart. It hurt me to think that she doesn’t see what we may see of her. I know she would say that we don’t understand or that no one truly knows her. I understand that she often feels alone or taxed by too much need of others or that she is beating her head against the wall, that she trying to just stay above the water.
To all of this, I say this: Does anyone truly know any of us? I don’t think there is a soul alive that knows the real me…the me that I feel I am. I don’t think anyone out there knows the depth of my compassion or the ruthlessness of my heart at times. I can be a cold bitch. I can also be a cuddly girl. I can be extremes within moments.
People have perceptions of us that they have formed based on their own experiences in life and how they approach us. Oftentimes, those perceptions are created out of what they may need from us. Oftentimes, they are created out of nothing. People see what they want to see.
I used to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I didn’t know who that woman looking back at me was. I avoided mirrors because it hurt to not see myself. In fact, sometimes I couldn’t see anything when I looked in the mirror. It was a blur. It was unrecognizable. It was painful.
I don’t wish that on anyone…especially this beautiful woman who gives more than she realizes.
I hope, soon, she sees something in that mirror. I hope she sees all sides of herself and embraces them. I hope she realizes that all of the bad and good make up who she is and that person isn’t as awful as she may think she is.
Most of all, I wish her peace. If there was anything I could give her, it would be that.
stop all the clocks
07 years ago
This is for cathelin, in memory of her best friend, Eric. This is one of my all-time favorite poems.
W. H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
birthday celebrations
07 years ago
My birthday was AWESOME! It was probably the best birthday I’ve had in years. I had so much fun. (Thanks lili and Mallaidh for the birthday wishes!)
Yesterday morning, my coworker and friend, Elizabeth, called me at 7 a.m. to wish me a happy birthday.
“Hello?” I answer groggily (even though I had already been up for over an hour). My theory is if work calls, answer as if they’ve just woken you up. It gives you an excuse for not remembering things. Whee!
“Dawn? Are you awake? You said you always wake up early.”
“Ummmmm….” me, thinking fast.
“Yeah…I was asleep but it’s cool. What’s up?”
“I wanted to wish you a happy birthday!”
“Oh…thanks! How cool of you!” I’m smiling now. She remembered. Very cool.
We talked a bit more, confirmed our plans for later, and hung up.
Jonathan sent me an e-mail and then made a post to a place we frequent online. I’m not sure he even understands how much it meant to me that he took the time to do both of those things AND remembered my birthday.
I get an e-mail from miss cathelin and an e-mail from an old friend, Steve, whose birthday is also on the same day (he turned 40). Both make me smile.
I’m so used to being forgotten and important people in my life remembered me before 10 a.m.
My brother, Todd, called to wish me a happy birthday. We talked for a bit. I nearly started crying when I told him thank you for remembering and taking time out of his day to call me.
I went over to pick up Willow for our Friday playdate. Shadow is rushing out to empty the trash before Justice’s speech therapist shows up.
“Uhhh…happy birthday!”
I chuckle. “Thanks.” I proceed into the house where my beautiful girl looks like she’s been run over by a truck. She has a fever and a pretty bad headache. Sometimes she’s so much like me it hurts…even to the point of where she suffers from similar ailments. I’ve lived with chronic headaches my whole life.
A day without a headache is unknown to me.
“Would you rather stay home?”
She shakes her head. I know she’s feeling poorly but she wants to go anyway.
We end up going for some “Not so hot” hot chocolate (a local drive-through coffee shop makes this especially for kids complete with a straw and a whipped cream decoration on said straw…which pleases miss Willow to no end). Then we went to the library, read a few books, and put together a few puzzles. She was feeling much better at this point (after some children’s Motrin).
Then we went back to her house, loaded everyone up (Shadow, Justice, Willow, and me) in the car, and headed over to San Felipe’s
for dinner and drinks with friends and family.
My coworker and friend, Nancy showed up. That was a treat because she doesn’t go out much and that she came out for me, tells me a lot. She said, “You rank.” :-)
Nancy and lillynn
Joden, Elizabeth, and Karen
The waitress comes up and everyone tells her that it’s my birthday. She says, “Oh, you get a free shot!”
I’m all happy. I say, “I’ll take tequila.”
“Oh, no. You get a blowjob!”
“I like those!”
Everyone laughs because it comes out kind of funny. I blush (of course!).
“Well, I mean…I like the drink. But…well…you know…the other isn’t so bad, either.”
Heh.
The blowjob comes and Willow wants the whipped cream (she’s a whipped cream fanatic). So, I don’t get to drink it in the custom that we’ve all shared (picking up the shot glass with your mouth and downing the entire drink, whipped cream and all, in one swallow). Willow whispers in my ear, “I tasted the blowjob! It was good!”
I giggle. Of course.
More drinks are ordered (I got a yummy mango margarita — yes, yes…totally a girlie drink. I’m a girlie, what can I say?).
Food is ordered and delivered. I got a grilled fish taco and a chicken enchilada. Willow, as you can see, got a cheese crisp. Justice got rice and beans.
Willow and Justice
Then, as we were getting ready to eat, my sister, Dusty, brother-in-law, Robert, and their two babies, Kooper and Lillynn, came in. I was overjoyed. I don’t think they know how much I wanted them to be there. Kooper was decked out in a little leather biker jacket that made him look like a miniature Sha-Na-Na person. It made me giggle more (I’m sure the alcohol didn’t hurt…me being the lightweight that I am!).
Kooper and Lillynn
We all ate. Then, the waitress brought out some crazy dessert that had LOT’S of whipped cream (yes, Willow was VERY excited!). They all sang happy birthday. Willow slides on to my lap and swipes the cherry before I can take it. *laugh* She cracks me up. Then she proceeds to work at tying the stem into a knot. The girl cannot be 5 years old. I swear.
My brother and sister are tired at this point and it’s past the kids’ bedtimes so they all leave. Nancy heads home. Elizabeth and her family and I all go to a little shop that has all kinds of fun stuff in it. I get a pretty purple corset and a cool bracelet. Elizabeth gets some funky-fun pink and black high heels.
Then we go to play some pool at Uptown Billards (a totally non-smoking bar/venue…what a relief!). Joden tells me that they have more import beers than most anywhere in town (and this is a drinking town!). They even have a good pear cider on tap.
Joden and I play three games of pool and everyone is getting tired at that point (except me…I’m bouncing off of walls).
We say goodnight. I drive home with my stereo cranked, singing at the top of my lungs. I get home, call Jonathan and be the birthday brat girl for an hour or so while we talk.
I order my plane ticket to visit him in Vancouver over the holiday break (YES!!! I’m going back!).
And we say goodnight. I slip into bed with a very happy smile on my face.
It was a GOOD day.
Scratch that.
It was a GREAT day.
out of nowhere
07 years ago
by dawn
in friendship
I realized something yesterday.
Many of us feel like we’re alone in this world but when we really need someone, people step up and offer a hand.
I have a friend who recently had her gallbladder removed because it was almsot ready to burst. She was in extreme pain but still managed to drive herself to the hospital and check herself in.
She drove herself because she didn’t want to bother anyone.
She’s a single woman without children. She is strong and independent. She doesn’t ask for help very often. She doesn’t want to intrude on other people’s lives. She doesn’t want to bother other people.
This week, she had to ask for help. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t get out of bed to feed herself.
I was talking to her on the phone yesterday and she said to me that she was amazed at all of the people who had signed her get-well cards and had contributed to a basket for her. I told her that I thought she probably didn’t realize what an impact she made on other people’s lives. She said she didn’t. I told her that talking to her is like being in the safest place. It doesn’t matter if you’re crying or laughing, you always feel good when you walk away from talking to her because she has a manner that gives you peace.
She said to me that she thought about me during this ordeal. She said, “You live so far out. What if this happened to you? Who would take care of you? Would you call anyone? Would you let anyone in?”
She told me that she wanted to be there for me if something happened to me.
I was overwhelmed by that. I don’t know if it was the medication or her pain or her very emotional state speaking at that moment. It doesn’t really matter.
What matters is that she reached out a hand and I took it and said thank you.
She touched me. Deeply.
kudos and thanks
07 years ago
by dawn
in friendship
Congratulations to Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher, Randy Johnson for pitching his 4,000 strikeout in his career. He is only bested by 3 other pitchers: Nolan Ryan tops the chart with 5,714, followed by Roger Clemens (4,196 and counting) and Steve Carlton (4,136).
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You all are awesome. I was feeling completely dorky and disappointed yesterday. I think that I’m feeling like all of the time I spent traveling and living the life of a free single woman may have been wasted and I’m hitting that point where, in my late 30s, I’m realizing that I won’t ever live the “dream” life of everyone else. Not that I am everyone else…but…there has to be something to getting married and settling down. Otherwise, why would everyone be doing it?
Really, I just want someone to share things with, to laugh with, and to cuddle up with on those cold winter nights (cuddling on a hot summer day is just STICKY!). 
Oh…aviv2762…I have spent the last 3 years NOT looking for anyone…because I’ve been too busy with the rest of my life. So, not looking doesn’t work for me, either.
A friend recently told me that she once read that you have to make dating a priority in your life, that you have to treat it like a job…especially as we advance in age. It used to be easy. I’d walk out the door and I’d have a date. These days, there are 25-year-olds around the corner and while they may not have the experience or wisdom that comes with age, they have that aesthetic beauty that so many notice off the bat. So, if I have to work at this, I will make it a priority in my life and work at it.
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snowpeanut, I haven’t heard back from Xanga at all. I sent 3 e-mails and got no responses. I’m a bit disappointed in that. Oh, yeah…the sheep…*laughing* The sheep always make me think of you, too!
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Thanks again. There is a reason I come back here time and again. You all give me hope. Thank you for that.
jeremy
07 years ago
Jeremy came to work at my place of work when he was in his teens. He wanted to work with security but he became the darling of the workplace. He was our kid, our youngster. We all looked out for him. He was sweet and easy-going and fun to talk to and a joy to tease because he would blush at the drop of a hat.
About 2 years after he joined us, Jeremy decided to join the Army. Around January of 2003, Jeremy shipped out to begin his training.
He promised to write and call when he could be we all knew he was embarking on a new adventure and he would forget us.
He wrote to his supervisor, to let us all know how he was doing. Everytime he has gotten leave, he has come back to see us because we are his family just as much as his parents.
Jeremy came back today to say hello. It may be the last time we see him for a very long time.
He’s been told that he will be shipping out to Iraq in January (and he doesn’t have any leave before that).
I hope that he doesn’t have to go in January. I hope that something happens and we no longer have send our fresh-faced boys and girls over to fight this fight.
I hope, more than anything, that Jeremy comes home safe.