doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
love
prickly situation
0
I am a mommy. My kid just happens to be the furry type but he’s no less my kid. He is entrusted into my care. I have to make sure he is provided for, that he gets all of the things he needs and that he lives a happy life.
Of course, I understand that it’s not the same as actually birthing a child. I know this. I also know it’s not the same as having a human child.
But he is my child. I adore him. I do all that I can for him. When he is ill, I worry about him and fret over it. I feel helpless when I can’t make everything right for him.
He’s been sick the last two days. Really ill.
I’ve taken time off of work to care for him but I feel guilty about it.
He’s my kid but will others see it that way? If someone else had a human child that was ill and they had to stay home, would anyone question that?
No one has questioned it. These are the thoughts that are running around in my head. My co-workers and supervisors are pretty understanding about most things.
I just stress about them.
And I think I’m more stressed because my baby isn’t feeling good.
happy love day
0
I am not typically a fan of Valentine’s Day. I think I’ve spent too many of them alone and even on those that I was with someone, the day wasn’t anything special, for the most part.
And, I think I’m of the mind that when we love someone, we should show them that we love them all year long – not just on a day that is set aside for the commercialization of love. I like to shower those I love with gifts and hugs and kisses all year.
That being said, I want to wish you all the happiest of days today. I hope someone reaches out and tells you that you are loved. I hope you know that you are cared for and cherished by someone special in your life – a partner, a child, whomever.
Take a moment to consider how rich you really are and how blessed your life is to have the person(s) in your life.
I have my furry kid and he makes me smile. I have those four nieces and nephews who shower me with love. I have siblings who are wonderful. I have friends who are the best.
Even on this day of couples, I cannot feel sad or lonely. I know just how wealthy I am in the love department.
I am loved.
simple
0
This weekend was a really good weekend. It’s not that I did anything spectacular but it was a good weekend.
On Saturday, I went to work out at the club. As I was passing the kid’s room, I looked in and saw Justice. I called to him and he came running over (in that cute 2-year-old run) with arms outstretched to say hello to me. The young woman in the room was laughing because it was so dang cute!). I didn’t want to alarm her (because they are very careful who comes into contact with the kids) so I told her that I was his aunt. She said she could tell that I was someone close because he doesn’t do that to very many people.
I walked up stairs to do cardio and Shadow was there. He pointed down to the gym and there is miss Willow, trying to play basketball. “Aunt Dawn!” she calls out. “Hi, pretty girl!” “Watch this!” She throws the ball at the basket. She’s at least 5 feet off but it was such a great effort, especially considering that she’s under 5 feet tall.
The four of us had planned to meet for lunch. We were going to a benefit for one of Shadow’s co-workers. The secretary in their office has a husband who has advanced stage cancer. He’s a full-grown man who weighs 97 pounds. Can you imagine?
He was there and just to look at him broke my heart. Then to hear their story, I wanted to take care of them. She makes about $26,000 – but, as Shadow says, holds the entire department together. The go-to person is paid the least. The person who knows the most is compensated the least. Then to top it off, she is the sole-supporter of the family now. And with the astronomical medical bills, they are floundering.
Heartbreaking.
I did my taxes and am getting a good return. That’s pretty nice and will be used for my trip to Vancouver in a month. Yay!
On Sunday, I met Shadow, Jennifer, Willow, and Justice at the club again to work out. Shadow and Jenn were showing me some training that his physical therapist gave him. It’s a great workout for toning and one that I will incorporate into my routine.
Justice didn’t want to hang out with his parents. He wanted Aunt Dawn to hold him. He was upset when I gave him to his Dad as we left.
Then I had to go over to their house to pick up some things and again, he wanted to be with me. As I was getting ready to leave, he started screaming and crying, trying to get me to hold him some more. He didn’t want me to go.
I’ve heard of that happening when parents drop off their kids at daycare and I can’t imagine how they deal with it. It breaks my heart.
See…not all that exciting…but just really nice. My heart was touched over and over all weekend long.
purge
0
I think I write one of those notorious “mommy” blogs without even being a “mommy.” I write about my beloved Dakota, my nieces and nephews, my work, my school, and my love life. I’m way too normal. I need to shake it up.
Today will NOT be that day, though. I have to share a few things from yesterday that were great.
First, Dakota did not pee in the house. YAY!!! He was such a good boy. And he wasn’t as crazy as he’s been the past few days when I got in to let him out. I am still going to take him to the vet, though, to make sure he’s okay and not ill.
My friend, Simon, began his application to go back to university for some graduate work. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. It is, though. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say that they’d like to go back to school – but they don’t make it happen. 6 months, a year, 3 years, 5 years go by and they never go back. Simon, after 10 years, is going back to achieve a goal he has set for himself. And to that, I say, congratulations!
And my weeo…my girl…she…ohhh. Last night I call up to ask her Dad something and she says she needs to talk to me. She tells me that she’s reading the books that I bought her for Solstice. I tell her that I’m excited to hear all about them. She tells me that she loves chapter books and I bought her the best gift ever. But, she says, my brain is very full and I’m not sure I’ll be able to remember the stories to be able to tell them to you.
Ahhh. Your brain is full. I understand, I tell her. Mine gets that way, too. She says that school makes her brain full. When she gets home to read, it’s hard to remember. Again, I tell her that I understand. I told her that sometimes I even have trouble sleeping because my brain is so full of the things I’m learning in school.
So then she tells me, “Dawn, that’s why I talk. I empty my brain so I can fill it some more.”
I didn’t laugh but I wanted to. THAT’S the reason she talks so much?
Shadow gets on the phone and I relay this conversation to him. He says to me, “Her brain must be VERY full. She doesn’t quit talking.”
I love that girl.
And to empty my brain, I do the equivalent. I come here and share with you, gentle readers, longtime companions of this writing world.
heartbeat
0
“My little dog – a heartbeat at my feet.”
~ Edith Wharton ~
Dakota and I are working through some issues right now.
In recent months, he has become unmanageable. He has started getting into the garbage when I’m gone. He has never done this before. He tears the entire trash apart and drags it all over the house.
He has begun peeing and pooping in the house, as well. In the same place over and over again.
He drinks and drinks and drinks until he makes himself sick and he throws up.
I have spent hours scrubbing floors, picking up garbage, soaking up vomited water, vacuuming, and going around to find where his mess is.
I’m not sure if he is upset with me being gone so much or if he’s just getting old or what.
So, I have made him a nice little hovel in the laundry room. He has soft bedding, toys, bones, food, and water. I even set up a radio.
He refuses to go in. Yesterday I had to physically put him in there and he howled like I was killing him. It was breaking my heart. I had trouble not crying over it.
This morning, I took his pig’s ear in with me and sat down on his bedding. He came in and crawled into my lap. I talked to him and loved on him and told him that it was a good place for him. I closed the door and stayed in there with him for a few minutes so he could see it wasn’t such a bad place to be.
He curled up on the bedding with his pig’s ear.
Let’s hope it’s a good day for him.
We both need that.
guardian angels
06 years ago
I think I have guardian angels. And if they aren’t guardian angels, they are surrogate parents. I wonder if I exude the need for someone to care for me, to take care of me.
That’s an odd notion considering that I’ve lived on my own for so long.
However, I think that between the cancer, getting sick all of the time, and discernible signs of stress, people see this need to watch out for me because I don’t seem to do a good job of it myself.
My brother, Todd, is watching out for my health. He calls me with lists of food that I should eat – foods that are high in anti-oxidants and low in fat. He has prescribed a good workout routine for me (that I do enjoy each day before I go in to work).
My brother, Shadow, my boss, and my grad advisor are all watching out for my mental health. Shadow and my boss are concerned that I may be taking too heavy of a load this semester. They worry that I want to go forward so badly that I may hurt myself now. My advisor warns me not to volunteer for too many things (even for her) and doesn’t want me diving in to too many projects at the expense of my sanity.
My co-workers make me laugh on a daily basis and remind me that there is not much that is so serious that I can’t laugh at life and myself throughout the day.
Weeo, weeo…my little doppelganger, miss Willow, makes me laugh at EVERYTHING. How can you not enjoy life when an almost 7-year-old gangly girl is draping herself over you and saying the funniest things you’ve ever heard?
And speaking of kids – my nieces and nephews watch out for my heart. They make sure it is supplied with a lot of sweet smiles, big hugs, wet kisses, and heart-stopping love.
Dakota lets me cry. He lets me curl up on the floor and sob when I need to get those emotions out. And then he comes right into that curl and plops his furry body into it and nuzzles me until I can’t help but smile and, eventually, even laugh. When a dog has so much empathy that your pain is his pain, you can’t stay sad for too long.
My friend, Simon, listens to my everyday tales of silliness – and with his dry sense of humor, he cracks me up daily. Then he makes me think and makes my brain work.
I have guardian angels.
And, I think, if we all look into our lives, we all have them. We just don’t always recognize them as such.
thinking about
06 years ago
I am thinking about some of you who I know read my blog with some regularity. There are those of you who rarely comment but read. There are those of you who do comment. There are those of you who send me e-mails instead of commenting publicly.
To all of you, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to give my thoughts a moment. Thank you for pausing to hear my ramblings. Thank you for taking the time to share in the joys of my life (and there are many – I’m not under any misconceptions about that) and to share in the sadness of my life (thankfully, not as much in this category).
Thank you for supporting me, for giving me a “way to go” on occasion and for giving me that kick in the butt when I need it.
Someone recently wrote to me and said that she thought I would write here even if no one read it. And that’s true. I’ve been writing in journals for decades and no one has ever read those (although, that is to change soon – I’ll be doing a Retro Saturday post starting tomorrow – just to assess how far I’ve come and what my dreams and fears were back in the day). However, you all make this much more enjoyable.
I like knowing that I’m not alone in some of my thoughts. I like knowing that there are people out there who care about me and who do the most awesome things to make sure I know that.
I have made friends through this blog. I have come to care about some of you very much and I appreciate everythign you share with me.
Some people I’ve known for years and have even met in person. Others I’ve only known through the virtual medium. However I know you, know that you are cherished and appreciated. You make this all worth the effort and the time. You make me smile (and sometimes even cry with the poignancy in which you write).
I don’t want to leave anyone out but I need to do something here. I would like to make two special mentions just because I adore these two people and they have made a huge impact on my life (and, fortunately for me, I’ve met both of them in person and they are just as wonderful there).
Sometimes those we love are having a difficult time and I want both of these people to know that I am thinking of them and sending healing thoughts to both.
ash – I love you. I miss your writings. I miss your musings. I miss my friend, sweetpea. Give the prince and princess big hugs for me and make sure their mommy knows that she is cherished. Don’t hide out for too long. I want to hear from you.
On Vancouver Island, I was fortunate enough to meet some wonderful people and to spend time in their house, enjoying the warmth of family. Last Christmas, I was there, with them. This Christmas, I want to send out special thoughts to them. J., heal well. I’m sending positive thoughts your way and thinking of you daily. Don’t let that furry goodness you’ve got bounce off of you anymore! :-) Much love to you and your family. You are loved from down here in the south.
And to the rest of my readers: thank you again. You make this all so much fun. I enjoy knowing you are here with me, sharing in all of this fun stuff we call life. Much love and appreciation.
dawn
the best things
0
I was racing around yesterday. I had last minute gifts to get, a salad to make, Dakota to feed and take care of, and I had to remember things.
I’m typically the early one to family gatherings. In fact, my brother often tells me that it’s okay for me to show up early and hang out with the kids if I want.
Last night I got there after everyone else and they commented on it. My sister said she was afraid to go in to my brother’s house since I wasn’t already there. Everyone had commented on it and wondered where I was. I’m never late.
I walk in and I’m attacked by little people. Willow flings herself at me and hugs me. “Dawn!” Kooper runs over and puts his arms around my leg. Justice plays the huggy game with me that we often play (we open our arms wide and then stalk each other for hugs and kisses). Lillynn even toddled her way over to me.
I was surrounded by love and softness and giggles and kisses.
Is there anything better?
Yeah…it only gets better.
I’m down on the floor (a place you often find me when kids are around) playing with Lillynn. She had climbed into my lap and was loving on me and hugging me. She leaned into kiss me and all of a sudden, my arms are filled with Justice, too. He leans in to kiss me. We have a three-way kiss going on and then giggles.
And then more kisses.
Hugs.
Kisses.
Giggles.
I think I was in baby heaven. I was getting so much love and it was awesome.
The best, though, was when Kooper, who has a speech disability, said my name. And then moments later, Justice, who is learning how to pronounce words, said my name.
My beautiful boys know who I am by name.
My heart filled to exploding.
longest night
0
What a perfect night to celebrate a holiday. It is the longest night of the year and it’s a downward slide toward spring and summer from here. It’s a night of sparkling lights, good cheer, family, fun, and love.
Happy Solstice, my friends.
While you may not celebrate the Solstice, I hope that the day brings you all of the joy you could hope for.
Tonight, I will be joining my brother’s family at his house for our Solstice dinner…turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing, mashed potatoes, salad, and other goodies. Yum.
I will be surrounding by all of the little munchkins that I adore: Willow, Kooper, Justice, and Lillynn. I will get to watch them open their presents and will see their eyes light up as the paper comes off.
I will play board games with my family and laugh and have fun.
I will be smiling, feeling warm and safe in my world as the magic of the season descends upon me and surrounds me in love and life and laughter.
I couldn’t ask for anything more.
if wishes were fishes
0
I have love affairs with cities. Some of the most beautiful cities in the world have been at the center of my fantasies: San Francisco, Edinburgh, and Vancouver. I have even had a love affair with London with its amazing museums and rich history. I could lose myself in those winding streets and emerge, after dusk, happy and satisfied, filled on the delights of the city.
My current love affair is Vancouver. I long to see her again, to taste the salt air on my lips, to breath in the pine-scented breeze.
I didn’t get to see enough on the three trips I took in the last year. It wasn’t nearly enough.
I want to taste, smell, hear, feel, and see more.
I long to walk along the streets and pop in somewhere for fresh sushi.
I want to wander around the library until I find that perfect place to sit and read and watch and listen.
I want to walk along the shore and hear the tide roll in.
I’m craving it.
While my love affairs are most definitely one-sided, they are love affairs. I miss the cities that I fall in love with. I wish to be with them.
The thing about cities, though, is that they never fail me. They continue on, enticing me, never disappointing because I have seen their flaws, their dirty laundry and their scars and I still love them.
Oh, Vancouver…