doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
love
life lessons
0
Someone recently wrote to me and said that he wishes he lived in a place where he could take photographs of giant arrows and colorful ruins and miles and miles of barbed wire.
He lives in London.
I thought about this.
I lived in London and I took over a thousand pictures while there and it still wasn’t enough. I would love to return and shoot London in a totally different way now that my style has changed.
All of the Toronto photographers, whose work I admire greatly, and those who live in Vancouver (Canada seems to be rich with wonderful photographers) and those who live in Britain, Spain, South & Central America, and other places than here…I’ve been jealous of all of them. I’ve seen what they’ve offered and I’ve often sighed and wished I had something like THAT to photograph.
This morning I went out at 5 a.m. to catch the rising sun on the beautiful red stones of Wupatki National Monument. The sun is rising as I drive out. Dakota is sitting in the passenger seat, anxious to see where we’re going.
Nearly 40 miles outside of Flagstaff, we turn into the north entrance of the park. The sun is rising rapidly but there is a beautiful golden glow over the land. The sky is a piercing blue even at that time in the morning. It was still early, 5:30, and there was no one on the road or at the ruin sites.
We pull into Lomaki and I get out to shoot some pictures (I left Dakota in the car because dogs are not allowed on the trails).
The red stones of the ruins are glowing. My breath is taken away.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world. (Heh…musical reference there.) I am lucky. I am surrounded by things that people travel to from around the world to visit. We have the Grand Canyon that usually draws them in. We also have the beautiful mountains, the lakes, the ruins, the red rocks, and so many other things that surround us. Photographers have been coming here for more than a century because it is so picturesque.
One of the reasons I have been trying to take more pictures of diverse things is because I want to share my world with Jonathan. I want him to be able to see the beauty of the desert southwest. It’s not the greens of Vancouver. We don’t have the amazing water. It’s a different kind of beauty. It’s stark. It’s hard to see sometimes. Pay attention, though, and it will jump right out at you.
I give a piece of myself in every photograph that I take. Whether I’m here, at home, taking pictures of the Peaks or a flower or I’m traveling to some other beautiful place, a piece of me is in each photograph. It is telling you a story about me.
If you listen closely, you will hear it.
happy valentine’s day
0For Valentine’s Day…because that’s the mood I’m in.
William Shakespeare sonnets
LVII
Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor service to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour,
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour,
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of naught,
Save, where you are how happy you make those:
So true a fool is love, that in your will
(Though you do anything) he thinks no ill.
LVIII
That God forbid, that made me first your slave,
I should in thought control your times of pleasure,
Or at your hand the account of hours to crave,
Being your vassal, bound to stay your leisure!
O, let me suffer (being at your beck)
The imprison’d absence of your liberty,
And patience, tame to sufferance, bide each check
Without accusing you of injury.
Be where you list, your charter is so strong,
That you yourself may privilege your time:
Do what you will, to you it doth belong
Yourself to pardon of self-doing crime.
I am to wait, though waiting so be hell;
Not blame your pleasure, be it ill or well.
LXXV
SO are you to my thoughts as food to life
Or as sweet-season’d showers are to the ground;
And for the peace of you I hold such strife
As ’twixt a miser and his wealth is found;
Now proud as an enjoyer, and anon
Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure;
Now counting best to be with you alone,
Then better’d that the world may see my pleasure:
Sometime, all full with feasting on your sight,
And by and by clean starved for a look;
Possessing or pursuing no delight,
Save what is had or must from you be took.
Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,
Or gluttoning on all, or all away.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
the heart is a lonely hunter
0Whe I first began the “personals” trek, I used The Heart is a Lonely Hunter for my tagline. It comes from the book of the same name by Carson McCullers. I love the imagery of those particular words when strung together. It makes me think that once the heart has captured its prey, it is no longer lonely. Only in the hunting, is the heart lonely.
However, I don’t always feel my heart is lonely. It’s just missing something really important.
I think that sometimes people search their entire lives for that kind of love that is exactly right for them. Sometimes, if you are fortunate, it lands in your lap while you’re not looking.
Both of my brothers found the latter. My two sisters-in-law came into their lives when they weren’t looking. They found their best friends, their confidantes, their lovers.
I think that is so rare. I listen to people talk about their partners and they don’t speak of them in the same ways I hear my brothers talk. My youngest brother often tells me that he can’t wait to get home to spend time with his wife and two kids. His life does not center around work. His work pays the bills to allow him to center his life around his family. I love to see him with his family (heck, I just like being with all of them. It’s like a giant lovefest where you can feel the love they have for one another the minute you walk in the door).
My other brother makes my heart melt when he talks about his wife. He would go to the ends of the earth for her. He would do anything for her.
I think that’s what I look for in a LTR. I want to be excited to go home to see him. I want to be excited waiting for him to come home.
I think that when you’re engaged ina D/s relationship, it’s even more exaggerated because there is this connection that is different. It is incredibly deep. It is strong. It has been built on trust and respect and, hopefully, love for one another.
That’s what I want.
—
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.
~ Antoine de Saint Exupery ~
fleeing
0I don’t have a problem with commitment. I have a problem with commitment when I feel someone pull away from me.
It seems that the minute that a relationship feels like it’s going south (to me), I tend to start to withdraw. The blinds come down, the heart pulls out, the mind closes to that type of a relationship.
Oh, I can be the best of friends to that person but once that process starts, it’s hard for me to reverse the motion…even if I want to.
I know it’s a defense mechanism. It’s to stop me from hurting more or from pursuing someone who probably doesn’t want me around anyway.
Usually the “flee” mentality has been good for me because the other person really had withdrawn in an effort to not have a relationship anymore. It has only had adverse effects once. I was dating someone who withdrew from me. I pulled back. He eventually (after about a month) came back and wanted to go even further with our commitment but at that point, I was past the relationship. I think, though, that I was right in doing so because the relationship wasn’t good for me anyway.
I worry, though, that what may appear to me as withdrawing is actually someone’s need to assess what is going on in life and then I may miss out. I worry that, in the future, I may not make as good of choices with this.
I don’t like shutting down like that, either. I don’t like that I can just cut everything off and it’s over. Done. No looking back.
I’m not sure it’s fair to the other person in the relationship.
I’m not sure it’s fair to me.
But I don’t know how to stop it once it’s in process.
fear
0When I’m in a relationship, I give everything. I will give my partner the world, if he wants it. I will bend over backwards to make sure he is happy.
I love being in a relationship. I’m at my best when I’m in one. I’m the happiest when I’m in one.
I’m hitting a roadblock right now. I’m hitting a huge wall that has me spinning.
I have lived life in fear. I wonder if me giving the world is a part of that fear. I wonder if it’s a way to keep a person tied to me. If I give myself, gifts, time, etc. to someone, does that make them feel beholden to me, to feel that they must also give back to me?
And when that person doesn’t feel that way, isn’t ready to be monogamous, should I continue to give all of this? Is it good for me? Is it my fear of not being important to that person that makes me do this or do I do it altruistically? Do I do it to pull that person closer to me or do I do it simply because it makes me happy to make that person happy?
I’m not sure. I’m trying to sort that out.
I know that I’m a giving person. I know that I’m happy being a giving person.
I also know, though, that if that person isn’t able to give back to me…not monetarily but usually emotionally because that’s what really spurs me on…then I know I start to feel lesser than. I know that I feel like I’m just not important or desireable.
Can I be in a relationship where both people aren’t giving to one another equally? Can I be in a relationship where I am dedicated to that one person but he’s not necessarily dedicated to me as completely?
I don’t know.
stop all the clocks
07 years ago
This is for cathelin, in memory of her best friend, Eric. This is one of my all-time favorite poems.
W. H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
am i worthy?
0So, what’s going on is this: I’m questioning my ability to be in a healthy relationship.
I’m wondering if I have what it takes. I’m wondering if I have the ability to give what it takes and to accept the overall goodness of another human being.
Can I trust?
Oh, yeah…I have those trust issues. I’ve never been able to trust anyone else as much as myself and letting go of that fear is difficult.
I want to believe.
I want to think that if I let go, I won’t fall.
I need to believe that.
baby love
0Yesterday I said I love the babies.
I do.
I love the two boys. I do. To me, however, there is something so special about the girls. I’m drawn to them in a way that I’m not with the boys.
I was talking to a friend yesterday and told him this. I told him that I see their potential. I see the opportunities that even I, their grandmothers, and their great-grandmothers didn’t have. I see the possibilities.
I don’t want them to have to struggle in the same ways we may have had to do.
He, in all of his wisdom and insight, said to me that he thought it was even more than that.
I had a difficult childhood. He said it stems from this.
He said that he thinks I see them as pure and unharmed. He said he sees me as wanting to protect them, to allow them to grow in a world where they don’t have to go through the same things I did. I want to see them grow up unharmed.
He’s right. I do.
I see my 5-year-old niece who is so much like me that it’s scary, and I see in her something so powerful and amazing. I would do anything to stop her from being harmed. I would do anything for her to know that she’s amazing and loved and cherished. And she does.
My new niece deserves no less. She deserves to be cherished and loved and treated like the precious gift she is.
The girls are special to me. Maybe I see a piece of me in them. Maybe I see the innocence of myself that I love in them.
I want to nourish and cultivate that. I want them to be able to live life happily and fully and without all of the baggage that I grew up with.
They deserve that.
trust
0I am learning to trust.
I learned a lesson yesterday in a very gentle and affirming way.
I didn’t need to be hit over the head with this lesson. I didn’t need to hear that I’m being silly or that I’m being ridiculous or that I’m being stubborn. I’m dealing with some very real self-image issues that have barred me from living life to its fullest. I’m dealing with issues that are steeped in heavy baggage from the past.
I needed to hear the words, “I understand.”
I needed to hear the tone that was patient and kind.
I heard kindness. I heard patience and understanding.
I heard “trust me.”
Trust.
My hands start to shake. My stomach starts to churn. I’m thinking a mile a minute of how to get out of this situation. Normally.
You want me to do what?
Trust me.
It was implied. It wasn’t blatant.
I didn’t run. I didn’t shake.
I heard it. For the first time in a long time, I felt it. I can trust this person. I won’t be hurt.
The most profound thing I learned is that when someone reaches out in sincerity and asks you to trust, they are taking a chance, too. They are saying, “I believe in you. I trust you.” They are making themselves vulnerable. They are putting themselves on the line.
I can either take the hand offered to me and move forward or I can perpetuate the distrust and, perhaps, cause the other person to feel a little of that as well.
I would rather be someone who stops a cycle. I would rather move in a positive direction. Where there was one saying, “trust me,” now there can be two.
A strong hand reached out to me.
I chose to take it.
—
As I was writing this, I kept hearing a song in my head (which is not abnormal…music plays a big part in my life). While all of the lyrics may not match, it strikes me that much of this path of discovery is mirrored in this song.
The Power of Love
Indigo Girlsguess i wasn’t the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love’s glass
to see the shiny toy i’ve been hoping for
the one i never can afford
the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside heri say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they’re true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there’s now one there will be twoi was born under the sign of cancer
(love will come to you)
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come)
i’m always closing my eyes and wishing i’m fine
(i close my eyes and wish you fine)
even though i know i’m not this time
(even though i know your not this time)i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they’re true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there’s now one there will be twododging your memories a field of knives
always on the outside looking in on other’s livesi say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they’re true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
(i have offered up to you)
where there’s now one there will be twoand i wish her insight to battle love’s blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters
abandonment
0This is the right follow-up to perfection for me. I strive for perfection for a single reason: to be loved.
My entire life, love has been tied up in a lot of things. The better I did, the more love I got. The better I was, the more love I got.
If I didn’t do well, I got silence. If I wasn’t good, I got silence.
To this day, I get silence when I don’t perform in the way that is expected of me. It has permeated every fiber of my body. I have linked silence to being bad, to doing things wrong. Silence is the way I have been abandoned in life.
I’m ok with good silence. That is, if I know that things are going well and I’m in a happy place, I deal with silence well. It’s when I’m unsure of myself, unsure of my role, unsure of my place within a dynamic that silence absolutely tears me apart.
I panic. I can feel the panic rise in me and take me over. My skin tingles, my mind rages, and I feel like I’m either on the verge of tears or some crazed rant.
I go a little insane and do things I wouldn’t normally do when I’m at peace.
Even writing about it, I can feel it right below the surface. It scares me. It is the scariest thing that I face in my life, this panic. It is all-consuming.
With some help, I’m working on finding calm when I feel the panic rising. I’m working on finding peace. I’m working on understanding that silence is not necessarily about me, about my actions, but could be about life or about time or about any number of things but not always about me.
I’m a work in progress. I’m learning new lessons each day. I’m learning to focus on perspective, flexibility, patience, and compassion.
—
Self-Abandonment
Li PoI sat drinking and did not notice the dusk,
Till falling petals filled the folds of my dress.
Drunken I rose and walked to the moonlit stream;
The birds were gone, and men also few.