memories

where the faeries play


I have been thinking about storytelling quite a bit lately. I’ve been thinking about the importance of storytelling, of sharing information via tales and stories. I’ve been thinking about the modes of storytelling, too.

When Willow was four, we took a vacation to southern California together. As we drove across the hot, barren Mojave desert, she sat in her child seat in the back of the car and told me stories about the companions we had on our trip.

“Can you see them, Aunt Dawn?” she would ask. She would point to the distant mountains. “See? They are right there, keeping up with us. Running along the mountains to go to California with us.”

I know she saw them. And in some ways, I began to see them, too. I can still remember them. Horses and children running parallel to the car in the setting sun of the mountains of the desert

In this day and age, there are a million ways to tell a story. We are not limited to moments where an entire clan is situated around a fire, a dinner table, or any other gathering place. We read books, we pass things along to one another verbally, we write in blogs, on Twitter, on Facebook, and we make audio and video stories. I have experience in all of these, and I think if you took all of my stories and put them together, it might be an interesting tale. But I’m curious, would it be one full of delight and wonder, or would it be one full of the same thing that all autobiographies are full of — I’ve had to struggle to make it, I overcame huge obstacles, and I’m now successful at X, Y, and/or Z? I have a feeling, unfortunately, it would be the latter. That saddens me.

When I lived on my few acres in Arizona, Willow would spend a lot of time with me at my house. We were surrounded by others who had horses, llamas, dogs, cats, turkeys, chickens, goats, and many other animals. I had one dog. And while she loved him, it wasn’t quite the same as having a “cool” animal. So she gave me some cool animals.

All of a sudden I had horses. She told me that they were really hers, but that they wanted to stay at my house so I didn’t get lonely. She said they were great friends and they liked to run together. She asked me to feed them and make sure they were ok. She said if they weren’t together, they, too, would get lonely like the horse down the street who chased after cars along his fenced area.

I saw her horses. I encouraged her to share this story with me often. It’s good to dream.

I have always delighted in being an adult who sees the world through rose-colored glasses. Who can believe in things that defy our scientific knowledge. But when I write, that doesn’t come out. I write in a very dry and humorless way, I think. Maybe that is from years and years of academic writing. Maybe it’s from writing and editing in technical and professional areas.

Willow and I went to many movies together. It was rare if we didn’t come out and imagine living within the space of that movie. My favorite, though, was “The Spiderwyck Chronicles.” We had read all of the books before going to the movie.

After that movie, she kept asking me if I saw faeries. She told me that they were real, and that if I was a true believer, I could see them, too. I told her that I was sure I did, but it was when the sun was setting in the grasses and they sparkled in that golden light.

She said I only half believed. If I really believed, I’d see them all of the time.

Maybe I do, and I didn’t realize it until that moment.

But that’s boring! Really. Sure, I can make a set of instructions that will wow you, and make it easy for you to program your VCR / DVD player / computer / rice cooker / or any other thing you want to program. I can do that. It’s easy for me. I’m good at it. But is it fun?

“My friend and I are witches,” she said to me.

“Witches?” I asked. She nodded. This was not long after we had been to see book 4 of the Harry Potter series, and she was in the middle of reading them with her family.

“We can cast spells, but they are only good spells. We can make you a witch, if you’d like. Do you want to be a witch?”

“More than you know.”

I’m thinking about this because I recently had student tell me that maybe I should be a creative writing and/or digital media instructor instead of a technical and professional writing instructor. I think this is because I emphasize creativity. Don’t give in to the boring, I suggest. Try creating your resume on a website, a video, a wiki, or anything else you can come up with. Correspondence? Oh, yes…what do you have in mind? Using Twitter or IM’ing? Texting, maybe? It doesn’t have to be digital. Use your imagination.

We turn on Van Morrison and The Chieftains. Willow and Justice have spent the night and we’ve just finished breakfast.

“Let’s put on a show!” she exclaims.

I smile. I remember when I did that with my siblings and cousins. The adults would politely sit while we play-acted or did ice skating shows for them.

“What would you like to do?”

“We’re dancing an Irish jig!” she yells. She starts kicking up her heels. Justice joins in. I join in. We’re dancing so hard and fast that we’re all gasping for breath. But we’re smiling the whole time. Perma-smiles that make our cheeks hurt.

We’d collapse in a heap, hear a new song, and jump back up, giggling wildly.

I am 41. They are 4 and 9. But that didn’t matter. We were having the times of our lives.

It’s not that easy, I’ve found. Somewhere in between childhood and college, students lose the belief that their creativity is important. I want them to believe. I want them to know that that side of them is important, too. That creativity will go a long way in a job.

I hope, for their sake, and for ours, that they can see where the faeries play. And to cherish that sight.

moving on


It’s moving time.

There was a time when I loved moving. It was exciting and new. I couldn’t wait to move to a new place. I was packing up and moving so often that I had my own moving team (my family is amazing, I tell you!).

But now, it’s so much harder. I’ve been rooted. I’ve tended my garden and cultivated friendships. This is the place all of my nieces and nephews were born and still live. This is where Dakota came to me and then left. This is where I went to high school, to community college, to university, and to graduate school. This is where I learned my trade. This is where I bought my first stereo, CD, car, and house.

This is where I get to look out my door and see the sun setting over the hills, the llamas basking in the sun, the snow glowing on the Peaks.

Flagstaff has been home for so long, in-between moves, that I’m almost afraid to move. I’ve grown comfortable. Life is finally easy. I’ve made a place for myself.

Don’t get me wrong. This is the best move I’ve ever made. Ever. Period. I’m moving for me. I’ve never done that. Not ever. I’ve always moved to be closer to a man, to chase his dreams. This time, I’m doing it for me.

And maybe that’s what is scaring me. If I fail or succeed, it’s because of me alone.

I know it’s not just that, though. I actually like Flagstaff. It’s a beautiful place that has given me so much to photograph, so many memories, and so many things to cherish. I am going to miss my family more than I can say.

This move requires me to let Dakota go…because he won’t ever be a part of my life in Minnesota. And that makes me sad — because 4 months later, I still miss him so much. I can’t even see other dogs without feeling the loss.

This move requires me to be more self-sufficient. I won’t have my brothers or brother-in-law to call when my pipes freeze, when I need a ceiling fan installed, or when I need to put a fence up. My entire support system will be 2000 miles away.

I’m scared and excited and worried. This is a good move. It really is. I think I need to go through the mourning stage of saying goodbye to an old friend who has done right by me. This town has allowed me to be the best I can be (and the worst, truth be told) up ’til now. Now I get to grow more, be more, and do more with who I’ve learned to be here, in my hometown.

simple things

When I was in my early 20s, I was in a bad relationship. I mean a really bad relationship. I was being systematically beaten and terrorized for nearly five years of my life. There are huge chunks of periods during that time that I can’t even remember. They are blacked out spots in my memory. I think my mind has done that so that I don’t relive or dwell on what happened. Suffice it to say, it was bad. Police, hospitals, judges, counseling, and more were a daily routine in my life.

Things that I do remember, though, were what got me through each and every day. I remember waking up in bed one day and seeing the way the sun came through the blinds and made lovely shapes of shadow and light on the wall. I remember the birds chirping on the tree outside the bedroom window. I remember cuddling up with my little rug-a-muffin Dyno, a sweet (and very protective) yellow lab who later succumbed to Valley Fever (a dreadful disease).

It seems that when life gets hard for me, I turn to those little things…the bright side of life. They get me through the days. The sunlight made me smile. I knew there was something beautiful in the world. The birds made me want to sing. I knew that there could still be joy in the world.

It is now 15 years later and I still do this. My life isn’t nearly as rough as it used to be and I don’t necessarily need to focus on those little things to get me through (because, truth be told, I see so much beauty and joy now that I don’t feel like I need to grasp on to every little bit of it). I still notice it, though.

Yesterday morning, as I walked through campus from my car to my office, listening to my Audible recording of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love, I was enjoying the crispness of the air and musing on her words (she has a lovely voice and adds to the overall impact of the book). I didn’t see it at first but then noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. Right in front of me, along the path I travel to get to my office, a little black skunk was moseying along the sidewalk, sniffing in the grass, and checking out the trees.

My head went up. Its head went up. We both continued walking. I headed out into the grass, away. The skunk headed toward the building I was going to. I love the way they run. They remind me of the ferrets I used to have, the ways their bodies scrunch up and move along. It made me laugh. It was cute. There was no danger in the moment. We were both in our own spaces and enjoying the early morning (I get to work at 6:30am and am usually the only person around).

Later, my nephew, Justice, and I had a conversation with one another over the phone. Justice has come a long way with learning and pronouncing words and it’s such a joy to hear him talk. But there are still times when I have no clue at all what he is saying. His exuberance, though, makes up for that. As I listened, he talked and talked and laughed and talked some more. And I listened and smiled and laughed with him. It made my heart sing.

This morning I was running late. I had stayed up watching an extra episode of the third season of Battlestar Galactica and I think that I was dreaming about it and couldn’t rouse myself (which is very atypical of me).

If I hadn’t been late, though, I would have missed out on it. I walked out the door with my beloved Dakota. We headed out to the gates to open them when a flash went across the sky. It was so beautiful. A shooting star that creased the dark sky with its brightness. And I smiled.

I smiled for the joy and the beauty that is in my life. I reached down and scruffed Dakota’s neck, telling him that he is a beautiful boy and that I love him.

A new day was beginning. And it’s a beautiful one.

to myself




photo by me

While reading Karen Walrond’s post on writing to her 19-year-old self, I started thinking about what I would say to my 19-year-old self. What have the last twenty years taught me?

Dear dawn,

Right now you won’t be believe me but you are more beautiful that you will ever realize. You are at your thinnest, your most active, your most jubilent self than you will ever be at again. Take advantage of that and live life happily. Don’t dwell on those things you can’t change. Don’t worry so much. Don’t take on the weight of the world.

Make changes where you can and realize that you can’t fix everything.

Sex does not equal love. Sex is sex and it doesn’t mean the same to the men you sleep with that it means to you. They won’t stay with you just because you give them something that means a lot to you.

Being told “I love you” does not always mean what you hope it means (and probably not even what the sayer hopes it will mean). Sometimes people say “I love you” because they don’t know what else to say but sometimes those people just don’t know how to love. Learn to recognize the difference.

That cute guy you meet in a restaurant in Chandler who seems charming and wonderful is dangerous for you. Run from him. He will hurt you. Badly. He will hit you. He will try to kill you on more than one occasion. He will make you think you are so much worse, ugly, stupid, fat, and horrible than you are. You are better than that. Run fast. He will change the way you look at yourself and the world and will affect the relationships you get involved in for the next fifteen years.

Those trips you take, searching for love, wandering the world, hoping love is finally coming your way will be difficult. Turn them into good experiences. London is a beautiful city. Cherish it. Missouri, Texas, Ohio, Colorado, and California have so much to offer you. They are much, much, much more than the men. Enjoy the trips and the stays as much as you can. Vancouver will turn out to be a city that reminds you of two men and an entire family but remember that it is a place that resides in your heart, too, because the city turned out to give you strength. It turned into a place that made you realize just how much you have to offer and that you shouldn’t settle.

The jobs you take and leave quickly should be lessens. Learn what you like and what you don’t. I can tell you that you will find a job you love. I can tell you that all of the things you learn along the way will add up to a job that will make you happier than you’ve ever known. So learn from them. Enjoy them.

Think before you speak. You wear your heart on your sleeve and sometimes blurt out more than you should. People won’t understand this and it will get you into trouble.

DON’T sell your camera in Boulder. Even though you’re hungry and need money, do not sell it. You will regret it for years.

The night your first niece is born, don’t leave the hospital. Even though a man threatens to hurt you if you don’t come home, your niece is so much more important and will be in your life long after that man is gone. She will become more to you than you will realize. Stay to see her. It will be worth it. I promise.

The afternoon your second niece is born, leave work early. That job won’t be worth the time you spent on it to miss her birth. You won’t regret leaving.

Those brothers you fought so hard with as a girl will turn out to be your best friends and your biggest cheerleaders. They will save your life on more than one occasion. Cherish them. Tell them thank you. Appreciate them for all they do and all they are. They are human. They are beautiful and flawed and amazing. They are your brothers. Tell them you love them often.

In fact, tell all of the people you love that you love them. This is something you will never regret.

Mostly, be kind to yourself. You deserve that so much more than you realize. You are strong. You are resilient. You are a beautiful woman. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

All of my love,

dawn


talismans


photo by me

I was cleaning house today – one of those really good, deep spring cleanings where you move all of the furniture, flip the mattresses, get down into the areas where carpet meets walls kind of cleaning.

My house is nice now and I love walking in when my house is this clean. It makes me happy.

What is interesting about these kinds of cleanings is the things you find that you missed but then forgot about. I found two of those things today.

The first one was my favorite cup that I put chai in. It was clean but it seemed to have rolled under my bed somehow and I never saw it. Weird. I had wondered where it went and was mourning the loss of it.

The second was a little more important. I found a rock.

Now, let me explain a little.

I have a little bag full of rocks. It’s like a medicine bag and it was given to me several years ago as a gift and I started putting my collected rocks in it.

The first rock that went into it was a rock that my sister gave me as I departed to live in Britain. It’s a green rock with a hummingbird carved into it. The hummingbird is said to symbolize a messenger or stopper of time.

When she gave me that rock, I held on to it so tightly. I cried as she gave it to me. It meant so much – and still does. It’s one of those connections to my sister that no one can ever take away.

I wonder if she remembers.

I have a deer (love, gentleness, kindness), an elk (strength, agility, freedom), a buffalo skull (sacredness, reverence for life), and a spider (creative, pattern of life); all given to me by people who understood how much they would mean to me.

I have some clear rocks with words engraved: green (money) and blue (enthusiasm).

I have a buffalo fetish that looks like it’s made of the same red rocks that surround the land I live on.

I have a piece of sea glass from the Huntington Beach beach.

I have a black flat stone from a hike in the mountains.

And the rock I found today is a round black stone. It was picked up on a hike along the railroad tracks in Deep Bay, on Vancouver Island. Jonathan found it and gave it to me.

It has a groove in it that fits my thumb just right and it is almost like a worry stone that I can rub for good luck.

It had been on my nightstand and in my backpack during the time we were dating. It went everywhere with me – like it was a piece of him with me.

When things ended, I guess I no longer needed that stone to be with me every day and it didn’t follow me everywhere.

When I found it today, though, it was a joy. I rubbed it and smiled. It made me happy. It was like welcoming back an old friend.

It has gone into my bag of worn, treasured rocks.

My talismans. My connections to others. My links to a time and place in my life.

if wishes were fishes




photo by me

I have love affairs with cities. Some of the most beautiful cities in the world have been at the center of my fantasies: San Francisco, Edinburgh, and Vancouver. I have even had a love affair with London with its amazing museums and rich history. I could lose myself in those winding streets and emerge, after dusk, happy and satisfied, filled on the delights of the city.

My current love affair is Vancouver. I long to see her again, to taste the salt air on my lips, to breath in the pine-scented breeze.

I didn’t get to see enough on the three trips I took in the last year. It wasn’t nearly enough.

I want to taste, smell, hear, feel, and see more.

I long to walk along the streets and pop in somewhere for fresh sushi.

I want to wander around the library until I find that perfect place to sit and read and watch and listen.

I want to walk along the shore and hear the tide roll in.

I’m craving it.

While my love affairs are most definitely one-sided, they are love affairs. I miss the cities that I fall in love with. I wish to be with them.

The thing about cities, though, is that they never fail me. They continue on, enticing me, never disappointing because I have seen their flaws, their dirty laundry and their scars and I still love them.

Oh, Vancouver…

home




photo by me

The topic of home keeps coming up in conversations I’ve been having. How do we define home? What is home to us?

Wherever I move in the world, I still call Flagstaff home. I’m not sure why. It’s not that I’m tied to this place in any particular way EXCEPT that the land calls to me.

When I lived in London, the mountains would haunt my dreams. They would be there, speaking to me, telling me to come home. It was surreal. It was very odd.

Flagstaff, though, is a place of confusion for me. There are people here that I love more than anything. But it’s also the place where I’ve had some of the most difficult growing pains.

When I move away or travel for any length of time, I take books, photographs, and CDs. I’ve decided that’s what makes a place home for me.

If I can look at the photograph of my beautiful niece, I am home. I may not feel her arms around me but I know she’s still there and that I could, if I was in Flagstaff.

Books are my company on lonely nights. They make me feel like I’m safe in my own bed, looking up at familiar stars, hearing familiar sounds, and comfortable.

Music is the stuff of life. I associate each part of my life with music. My teens were Tears for Fears, the Pet Shop Boys, U2, and so many more. My early twenties were the sounds of the music my partner at the time played: Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Foreigner, and others like them.

Then I escaped and I needed music that would help soothe my soul and assist me in healing. I listened to Tori Amos – who could make me cry for hours on end. Melissa Etheridge gave voice to my anger. Alanis Morrissette sang my anthems. 10,000 Maniacs would calm me down. Van Morrison would make me cry.

And I relaxed a bit. Sarah McLachlan, Jewel, and Norah Jones came around to quiet the demons.

Through it all, though, were the Indigo Girls. It all started when I heard their Rites of Passage CD. I have had no less than 4 copies of that CD. I’d loan it out and never get it back (yes, it’s that good). I’d buy another and another. I ended up buying every CD of theirs I could find. In addition, they encourage bootleg swapping on their website and I got in on that for a summer. I have many, many CDs by them.

I read a book by Alice Walker. I listen to the Indigo Girls. I look at a photograph of my family or my beautiful beagle, Dakota.

And I am home.

I am home.

expectations




photo by me

Nick Flynn’s book, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City, examines the relationship between a son and his parents. This is a classically dysfunctional family with divorce, alcohol, and drugs playing a large part in the dynamics.

Nick’s father, Jonathan, leaves the family when Nick is quite young. Nick hears from his father periodically through letters. Mostly, though, he hears reports about this eccentric man who is an alcoholic but who is also a writer.

Nick, throughout the story, seems to be intent on humiliating his father’s aspirations to be a writer (my take on it – not necessarily the reality).

Why this was so poignant for me was because I started wondering if we have lofty, unattainable expectations of our parents. They are our parents, afterall. For many of us, they were the role models that we tried to emulate as we grew older.

My relationship with my parents has been tumultuous at best. I don’t think my dad and I shared any kind of depth in our relationship until I was 21 – and even then, it was, perhaps, for twenty minutes when I became a Daddy’s girl for a moment. I’ve always known that my mom didn’t really want me (not that my dad did) and that I was a thorn in her side.

When I was sexually assaulted at the age of twelve, my mom laughed. She thought it was funny that some man accosted me and wanted me to touch him. Then when she realized how devastated I was, she called the rape crisis center and had me talk to a counselor over the phone. Then nothing more was said.

These are the things that stick out in my head. Things like this that happened my whole life. I was inconsequential in terms of the family unit as a whole.

I had the lead in my high school play and no one from my family showed up. I was on an award-winning debate team my entire high school career and not one person from my family showed up to give me encouragement. But we all went to my brothers’ wrestling meets. We all went to my sister’s rodeos.

And then I start to wonder – have I expected too much from my parents? I love them. I want the best for them. But have I expected too much of them?

They were children when I showed up in their lives. They weren’t prepared for me at all. I totally changed the lives that they had and they then had to give up the dreams for other things to support me.

I was their practice child. They tried out everything on me and then did better with the subsequent children.

Of course, as the oldest, this is almost always true in families. I think, however, that with me, it was different. They were kids themselves. What did they know about having a kid?

My paternal grandmother once told me that the reason she thought my dad was so hard on me was because I was so much like him. I was independent, headstrong, and followed my own drummer. That irritated him, the Navy man, who felt that people should follow the rules (whatever they were). She told me that I had been an adult ever since I was a young child. She said it was expected of me.

And so, now, do I force expectations onto my parents – those parents who were ill-equipped to handle me, a precocious child?

I think I do sometimes. I think I expect them to be more, give more, do more. I think I expect that Ozzy and Harriet life even though I will never have it.

Although, I have a feeling that if I got “Ozzy and Harriet”, it wouldn’t be all that I would have thought it’d be, either.

interloper




photo by me

The final book in one of my classes was Nick Flynn’s Another Bullshit Night in Suck City. It is a memoir of relationships, homelessness, alcoholism, and life. It’s a very well-written, interesting book. It’s not a classic memoir in that it is told completely from Flynn’s point of view.

This book has made me think about a lot of things in my life.

I haven’t always had a good relationship with my parents. I do feel a distance between us and there have been long stretches where I haven’t even heard from them nor did I pick up the phone to talk to them even though we live less than five miles from one another. There is a time when distancing oneself from relationships is healthy. For me, it’s good to play things at a distance or I will be hurt more than I need to be.

That’s not the topic that was the most poignant for me, though.

When I was in kindergarten, we moved from San Diego to Missoula, Montana. We arrived in Montana with little more than the shirts on our backs. We lived out of a Metro van in a KOA campsite for a while (I can’t tell you how long it was because I can’t remember but I do know it was a few months).

My dad had built a bunkbed system into the van so that we could put elevated cots into this locking system and take them out each day. I don’t remember struggling then. It seemed more like fun for me.

But we were homeless.

Later, a few years down the road, we had a home – barely. One Christmas, I can remember that the only gift we got was from my grandparents. It was a gift certificate to Albertson’s so that we could have some food to eat. We were so poor that we didn’t have food and the only way to eat was to receive charity from others.

Fast forward another few years. We’re still in Montana. We lost our home. We lived in a loft my dad built above the office at his business. The smells of oil, gas, and urethane remind me of those days.

Some of you have been reading for years and know my story of taking a bath in a garbage can…because that was the only thing we had to take a bath in.

I have lived in motor home, in the back of a car, and in tents.

I have been a member of those invisible masses that people pretend they don’t see when they walk down the streets. I’ve been one of those dirty kids in hand-me-downs whose belly growled with hunger. I’ve been one of those kids who clung to anything that would remind me of normalcy. Usually it was books. Sometimes it was music (this became much easier when cassette tapes came out and they were much more portable than albums).

So why am I bringing all of this up? I’ve been thinking about identity a lot lately. How do we define ourselves? How has life defined us?

I have, for most of my life, felt like an interloper into a world that was not my own. I have often felt invisible in groups of people. I’m not as dynamic. I’m not as sure of myself. I’m that white trash kid who is pretending to fit into society.

I latched on to education. It was a place where I could excel. While other kids made fun of my clothes, my pronunciation of words, or my need to be on subsidized lunches, I excelled in reading. I excelled in language. I was good in science.

I journeyed toward that bright light of education. I could hear the angels and harps singing its praises, beckoning me forth, promising me the promised land, the land of the middle and upper classes. I entered the sanctioned playground of the wealthy white elite.

Through it all, I’ve felt different. It took me 20 years to get my bachelor’s degree. My parents didn’t pay my way. I had to work full-time in order to go to school. Sometimes I had to take a break from school to make money to be able to live.

But I made it.

I own a home. I have a great job. I am working on my master’s degree (something my brother reminds me that less than 1% of all people in the world are or have achieved).

And yet, I still feel like the outsider, the interloper. I don’t think I see things the same way as my fellow students and the pang of that difference is a steady beat for me.

I don’t necessarily think this is always a bad thing. I often consider that I may give others a different perspective. I also think that it gives me a different way of looking at things for my research. However, it has also caused problems. You cannot force people to understand what it is like to be marginalized if they have never been there. They may be incredibly empathetic but they will never know what it’s like to be there and so, cannot understand what that feels like.

I think, sometimes, this is why I try so hard to fit in. I want to be a part of that “in-crowd.” I want to be seen as a valid and valuable part of a community.

I don’t want to be invisible.

And sometimes I still feel like I am.

trumpeting beauty




photo by me

He said that he’d like to see me blossom, become more comfortable around people. He wanted me to come out of my shell, expose myself a little more.

I wonder if he understood how difficult that was for me. I wonder if he understood what trust meant or the power of the words he said to me. I wonder if he realized, then, that I wanted to blossom if only to make him smile…and maybe make myself smile, too.

I reached out to him, wanting to blossom beneath his gaze. I wanted to watch him watch me open up.

I wonder if he understood that without nurturing care, it’s difficult to blossom. When you pour harsh words over struggling petals, they want to curl back inward and close up again. I wondered, again, if he understood the power of his words.

In May, I lost a job. In June, I lost a friend and someone I thought I’d have a future with. In September, I got cancer. I gained weight. I became depressed. I lost track of me.

In May, I got a job. In August I started graduate school. In October, I got a better job. I started working out again. I went out with friends (and even invited 20 or so over to my hermit cave for a BBQ). I realized that I had never lost me but that I had scurried back into that cocoon where I feel safe.

I could wallow. I could say “why me?”

And I came *that* close to doing just that. The cancer was the final straw. I couldn’t take anymore. I was tired and scared and felt alone. The physical pain diminshed but the emotional pain would not leave.

I came *that* close to screwing things up. I lost sight of what is important to me because I wanted to stay in the warmth of that cocoon.

A funny thing happened, though. I realized that I wasn’t alone.

I’ve said, over and over, how much my brothers are always there for me. And they didn’t disappoint me this time. They are my foundation.

But there is more. People I have never met reached out and gave me strength, let me know they were thinking of me.

People I had just met in the last few months reached out, letting me know that they were there for me, to help me. My student workers were amazing – sending me thoughtful e-mails, giving me a card, offering to pick things up at the store for me.

People called…just to see how I was.

My professors have been amazing. Supportive, encouraging, and patient with me in my recovery.

I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring. I call myself anti-social. I tell people that I don’t like people much – mostly because I don’t understand people much. Partly because I don’t know who to trust. Partly because I want to trust everyone. Partly because they scare me. Partly because I want them to love me.

I’m done. I can’t allow the pain, emotional or physical, to stop me from living, to stop me from reaching goals that I set for myself 25 years ago.

I want to say to him, “Look at me. I am blossoming. Life may drench me in rain and then scorch me in heat but I survive. I push through and open my petals to the experiences.”

I want to say to him, “Don’t hide away from the world. Embrace it yourself. Open yourself up to new experiences. Trust that people will stay by your side even when you push them away.”

And I want to say to him, “Be careful with what you say. Your words have power. They mean something.”

And I want to wish him the glory of life. And I want to wish him joy. And I want to wish him peace.