doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
school
one is the loneliest
1
This is not meant to be a whining post. It’s more of a sharing of “what I’ve learned while in grad school” post, I hope.
Justification out of the way. Check.
I’ve always been a loner. Well, I don’t know if everyone would have seen that of me, but that’s how I’ve always felt. Sure, in high school I was in all of the right organizations and hung out with some really awesome people. But at the end of the day, I was happiest curled up with a book, losing myself in some other world (typically horror and/or fantasy). Maybe that came from moving around a lot as a child. I came to depend on my family for my social connections. I mean, they were always there; they typically got me (except for that time in my late teens when I shaved designs in my hair and my Dad definitely DID NOT GET ME). But overall, I had pretty cool parents and siblings I liked (despite the fighting).
That was a long time ago.
Insert domestic violence, geographic isolation, and aging through my teens, twenties, thirties, and forties here. These things affected my feelings of isolation even from the foundational support of my family. While somewhat pertinent to my state of mind, not at all interesting in this story. Check.
So I’m a loner. Add grad school in. Add in that I’m 1800 miles from the support foundation that I’ve relied on most of my life. Add in the lack of funds to travel home (unlike most of my fellow students who seem to be able to do this easily, or at least often). Add in the confusion about what “home” means anymore. Add in that I’m a 45-year-old woman without many relationships outside of family (I am lacking in the expertise to make this happen well). Check.
So my loneliness is not necessarily related to grad school, except that it is. I’m in dissertating mode, and I’ve become more of a hermit than I ever was. I have gone days without talking to a single person. I have gone weeks, especially during holidays and summer break, without seeing another person. And I don’t have my nieces and nephews (or even my parents and siblings) to call me up and ask me to come out for the day.
Add in the holidays. Since starting my PhD program, I hate the period from Thanksgiving (traditionally my family’s big holiday, but this seems to have waned) through New Year’s Day. There is Thanksgiving, my sister’s birthday, my birthday, my mom’s birthday, Solstmas (Solstice/Christmas/whatever), and New Year’s. Add in that my family is not really one for gift-giving, but we would go out for dinner on one’s birthday, so I don’t typically get anything on these days (and sometimes a phone call or card is even a miracle). (And really, I don’t care about gifts, I care more about knowing that someone took the time to think about me. And before you wonder if I give gifts, I do. When I’m able to go home, I go with gifts for everyone, and remember them all on their birthdays. It’s not because I’m better than them. I’m not. I just like to give gifts.)
And this has officially become a whining post. Argh. Check.
So I will end with one thought: pet-sitting has saved my life. Had it not been for the good fortune of meeting people who trust me with their homes and pets, I would have spent all of my holidays and birthday alone. Instead, I’ve spent this time (and during all of the previous years I’ve been here) with some really lovely furry critters who give me lots of unconditional love. And who make me smile. And who don’t mind that I’m a loner, because I do it with them.
Brought to you by the “This is all about me, belly-button gazing, lint pickers society of the Internet.”
On being skeptical
0I’m often asked what I teach, and when I respond, it is often with “I teach thinking.” Some people nod, without asking what I mean, while others look at me quizzically, and still others engage. “What do you mean by that?” they may ask.
I teach thinking through the exercise of writing and reading. Ok, so officially I teach writing. But when a student walks into my class , I can guarantee that there is far more deep critical thinking going on than there is writing and even reading.
Why do I think this?
First, I’m interested in what students think about issues – and this means any issues. I’ve learned about the best places to buy vinyl (and why they are the best places) in Saint Paul. I’ve discovered that volunteerism means different things to different students and they can give strong arguments for their ideas. And just this week, I had discussions about why Ironman is better than Batman, why the 99% of the US is the 1% of the world, and why Ritalin is not a performance enhancing drug – all instigated by FYW students.
Second, I grew up in a blue collar household where skepticism was encouraged. We we encouraged to think differently than our peers, to think outside the box, and to question everything. While this has led to difficulty in fitting in with peers at times, it has also given my siblings and me the strength to not only believe in what we thought, but to be able to argue it effectively because we would know both sides of an argument and know them in depth. I grew up watching more news programs than anything else, and it showed when I wrote papers or engaged in formalized debate on the various debate teams I was on. What all of this means is that I encourage the same in students I work with. If we watch a documentary, we spend far more time on what we didn’t see than what we did because it’s as important to the story as what was included.
Third, while I am skeptical, I also give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to students exploring their ideas. I want the classroom to be a safe place to explore all kinds of ideas, not just the comfortable ones. While I may not agree with them, I work hard to assist them in thinking through their ideas and their arguments. I throw opposition at them while giving them ideas on how to bolster their own arguments.
All of this sounds so simple and matter of fact when I read it, but I think that anyone who teaches knows that this is often much more difficult than it would appear. And if I wasn’t skeptical when reading back through this, I would be disappointed in myself. The skepticism forces me to think more critically and challenge myself more stringently in each class period. I hope that never ends.
identity in fyw
2photo courtesy of a sea snow (http://photozou.jp/photo/show/240326/29485488)
Recently a colleague asked me to share some ideas on how to present on identity to a first year writing class. I told her that during the time I was teaching fyw (I’m currently teaching rhetoric, technology, and the internet), I approached it through a very multimodal pop culture focus: Lady Gaga.
In order to reach a variety of people (I had a returning vet, a high school student, foreign language students, and traditional students), I needed to set this concept up in ways that the students could all relate.
- We read the NYTimes article “Text Generation Gap: U R 2 Old (JK)” and discussed how relevant this was to the people in the class. Did it define anyone? Was it indicative of a generation? Was it important?
- Next, we read the ever-controversial Camille Paglia and her article (Lady Gaga and the Death of Sex) about Lady Gaga in relation to other iconic figures like Madonna and Gwen Stefani.
- Then we read Jack Halberstam’s What’s Paglia Got to do with it? We also discussed who Paglia and Halberstam are, why their opinions might matter, and how they could be focused to reach specific audiences.
- We then watched several videos:
- Madonna singing “Material Girl“
- Lady Gaga singing “Poker Face“
- Christopher Walken performing “Poker Face“
- Brittani Louise Taylor performing “Lady Gaga Fashionista“
After these, we discussed how the articles and the videos add to the idea of who Lady Gaga is, how we, the general public, might view her, and if this is a strategic identity construction. We also discussed how some of the gestures in Poker Face are similar to Madonna’s in “Material Girl” and how artists often “remix” or “reuse” iconic symbols as their own.
- Finally, we looked at images of Lady Gaga on Google Images. What do images of her with or without makeup, in a meat dress, in various forms of dress or undress, mean? How do these construct identity?
What was really interesting about this form of discussion is that because it was held early in the semester, it gave a baseline of inquiry into the topics we tackled later in the semester. We (and usually this was the students) referenced the Paglia and Halberstam articles several times throughout the semester in relation to ideas of community, technology, and critical analysis.
The best outcome, though, was that we had fun. It was enjoyable to see the students get excited about the discussions.
the internet: then and now
01 year ago
Last week, students and I listened to a 1993 podcast from NPR’s Science Friday and watched a video from a 1994 NBC Today Show. Each of these was taking a look at the Internet at the time, forming questions around “what is this thing” to “what can this do for me?”
While the Today Show clip reminded us of a time when many people didn’t know what the Internet was or how it worked, the Science Friday showed us that some of the same issues that concerned issues then still concern issues today.
Some of the topics we found pertinent:
information
-ignore (usually advertisements)
-disinformation/misinformation
-trust
-amount of information
-size of information (files/streaming, etc.)
prime sources
-copyright
–direct contact between creator and consumer
commerce
media of the people (democratization)
-public access
–accessibility speed (modem)
synchronous/asynchronous communication
MUDs/MOOs/MMORPG
Machines know everything about you
This was not only a great exercise in listening, but in also assessing what the real issues were and are in understanding the Internet.
Writ3577 students & their projects
0This semester Writ3577 (Rhetoric, Technology, and the Internet) students have created great projects that focus on helping others through volunteering and donations.
Group A
This group is collecting donations of CDs and DVDs to send to a local Minnesota National Guard troop stationed overseas.
OperationTroopDonation website
http://www.wix.com/operationtroopdonati/operationtroopdonation
UMN CD/DVD Drop boxes
Drop box set up now in office of Veteran Services in the Science Teaching and Student Services building.
Drop boxes at Coffman Union and St. Paul Student Center will be available March 28 – April 8th.
Group B
Postcards Anonymous and UMinnesotaNice
This group sends anonymous postcards to people who are doing good works throughout the world. Next week is Japan week (they are translating English to Japanese and mailing postcards to people in Japan) followed by Libya week (again, translated and sent to Libya). If you are interested in helping out, please let me know. Since this is an anonymous group, they have to give you permission to their site.
They have also set up a Twitter account for http://twitter.com/#!/UMinnesotaNice to send thanks yous, accolades, and appreciations to others, capitalizing on the idea of Minnesota Nice (and UMN).
Group C
This group has set up multiple sites to record, encourage, and initiate volunteerism at the U. They have participated in the Polar Plunge for Special Olympics and are participating in Meals on Wheels for National Volunteer Week. In addition, they want to know what others are doing to volunteer. They plan on taking pictures, interviewing volunteers, and posting the information to their sites.
Tumblr site: http://turnup-volumn.tumblr.com/
Facebook site: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=149449328449007
Twitter account: http://twitter.com/#!/TurnUpTheVolUMN
the looking glass
02 years ago
This is a presentation I’ll be giving on identity of the self in a psychology class this week.
I know, I know. I used Foucault. How could I not since he talks about mirrors? Damn him. ;-)
what has meaning
33 years ago
This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t. You get to decide what to worship.
David Foster Wallace — Commencement Speech at Kenyon College
I’ve had a hard time being a fan of David Foster Wallace. I mean, I’m supposed to, right? He’s the intellectual’s intellectual. But I have a hard time with his writing, much in the same way I have trouble with theorists in my field. They go on and on and on, never quite reaching their point. They talk in circles about their ideas, and we are to bow down before the alter of this philosophy. Why? Well, because–these are brilliant philosophers (dead white men, most of them).
I can’t. I keep trying to believe that what I read is important, that maybe if I understood it more it would make more sense. It doesn’t. Not only do I not find so much of the theory incomprehensible, but I also find it steeped in a belief system that I don’t hold, don’t follow, and won’t be converted to.
Perhaps this is the real meaning of my college education. It’s to give me the voice to say I don’t like this person’s theories, or that I don’t believe in what this person has to say, and to stick to my guns.
It’s hard sometimes, especially when it seems that everyone around you worships this philosopher or that, and you haven’t bought in. Or maybe, just maybe, I trust my own instincts more than I do people who write to an audience that didn’t include me in the first place.
the final countdown
0
I burst into tears at Shadow’s house this morning, moments before I was supposed to take Willow to TaeKwonDo. I had been reading the blog of another PhD student, and had been scouring the Minnesota newspapers for places to live, and it was all too much.
“I don’t think I have a strong enough background to be in school with these people.” He says there’s a reason I was accepted into the program, and it’s because I do belong there.
“If I don’t sell my house, I”ll be living out of my car.” “I’m not even sure I can afford to move.” He tells me that things will work out financially (but seriously, if I don’t sell my house, I can’t afford the mortgage AND rent in Minnesota. I will be in serious trouble).
“I’m not sure I’m smart enough.” He tells me that there are few people who think they are smart enough and that we’ve talked about this sense of futility and feeling of being in over our heads and that while part of it may be coming from being from a more disadvantaged background, much of it is just a part of being a doctoral student.
“Maybe I’m too old for this. I’m a decade older than most of the PhD students.” And he reminds me that I’m not too old, that I’m the right age for me to be doing this at this time. That if I had attempted it 15, 10, or even 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have been ready — and that my area of research wouldn’t have meant as much, taken the shape it had, or been as important to me as it is.
He’s right.
But I’m still scared. And I think that’s really what it all boils down to. I’m scared. I’m moving 5000 miles away from my family (this has grown into something akin to a fish story in that the miles from northern Arizona to Minnesota have grown over time so that now Minnesota is really located somewhere around Great Britain).
I started crying in the car today because it was my last time to see Willow in a TaeKwonDo belt test until she goes for her black belt (I told her I will do my absolute best to get home for her black belt test).
This week, I began turning over work to others. I had to sit with my supervisor and discuss the turning over of my beloved faculty to someone else. These people who I really care about and whose courses really matter to me, I have to give over to someone else. Will anyone else care about them the same way I do? Will they know who to give a lot of latitude to and who needs a lot of hands-on care? Will they know who likes to joke and tease and who is very serious and down to business? Will they be able to give the same attention to these faculty members, and care about their courses as I do? And then I realize that it won’t be possible, but I shouldn’t worry about it. The faculty will be fine. They will be in good hands. My colleagues are good at what they do, even when we do it differently (and we are all very individual in how we approach our work).
Then I had to talk about turning over my web maintenance / editorial functions. I’ve been the department editor for all website / collateral / whatever else we’ve needed since I arrived in this department. The website content is my baby. I’ve nurtured it and raised it. The entire content of the FAQ system wasn’t around before I started creating it and then others jumped in and helped populate it. And while I’ve developed a pretty good style guide, the next person (who is more than capable and might even be a better editor than I am), won’t have the same style I do. And the position is being split into two: one editor, one person to convert it to web-enabled content. Both people are really good at what they do and I trust them to do well with it. But it’s still something I’ve really devoted so much time to and will miss doing.
I’m off to do something I’m passionate about. But saying goodbye to people and things I love is hard.
And scary.
4C’s recap
0
On Friday I flew in to New Orleans for my first CCCC convention. It was my first conference in my chosen academic field (besides the little regional one we host), my first time with my advisor outside of school, and the first time that I’d be meeting other people in the field outside of those at the schools I had visited when researching doctoral programs.
I never get direct flights. Mostly that’s because flying out of Flagstaff isn’t conducive to that type of flying. We are on little twin-props up here that fly in to Phoenix Sky Harbor. From there, though, I’m almost always get a non-stop flight to my destination. Not so in the case of New Orleans. USAirways didn’t have any flights going there. None. So we had to fly to Houston. What a disaster of an airport. How many times do I really need to go through security? How far apart do terminals REALLY need to be? And if sitting on the tarmac for two hours, then being told we can’t get up to use the bathroom or the captain will have to pull over the plane and we’ll lose our spot in line, sounds like fun, I would gladly trade it for a drive. It would have been faster, I’m sure.
Our taxi driver was out to kill us. I know this because he turned up the stereo so we had to yell, then he proceeded to swing his van in and out of traffic, nearly hitting several cars, BEFORE asking us where we were going. Ahem.
What kind of airports and hotels don’t offer free wifi in this day and age? SkyHarbor gives free wifi. Not so Houston or New Orleans. Not so the Riverside Hilton. $14.95 a day? That’s highway robbery. Seriously. Get with it, people!
I love New Orleans. Even though it was muggy and hot, I love the city. There is an energy there that can’t be found anywhere else. The people are nice. The city is beautiful. It is just one of those places that I love to visit.
I’ve been reading others’ blogs on their CCCC experiences. There are topics on panels, on the 9th Ward tours, on the lack of wifi (seriously, this is an issue when you’re presenting on Internet-based technologies), and on the outcry of non-rhetoric/comp professors belittling rhet/comp people and/or CCCC. They are all interesting and insightful for me, since this was my first time there. However, the thing that struck me was the way panels / rooms were presented.
My room was supposed to have wifi. We had requested it and paid for it up front. We had presentations on Second Life, MySpace, and Bb Vista classrooms; we needed the access. Luckily, I had done screenshots to get ready for presentation and brought them along (I also did them for my advisor so she’d have hers).
Ok, fine. I know, working in the technology field, that quite often technology fails us. I can get over that. It’s really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. But what about boredom?
I’ve been to a LOT of conferences. A lot. Never have I been to a conference where people actually read their papers. I’m not talking just glancing down now and again to get the gist of the topic, but actually reading the paper from beginning to end. Reading it. Sometimes not even looking up at the audience. No engagement. None. Just post the thing up to the site and let me download the PDF. Seriously. I’d probably get more out of it.
Maybe I’m shooting myself in the foot here, but I don’t understand why we would read papers. Let’s engage one another. Let’s share the research findings of our respective topics and then discuss them. I don’t need to hear that all of your verb tenses are consistent or that you are a brilliant writer. Rhetoric, and composition, are more than that. It’s about communicating an idea. I want to know what you think about what you’re sharing. Talk to me.
And yet, I read my paper because that’s what is done. I did, however, try to engage our small, but interested, audience by speaking to them, talking about my images, and sharing with them the ideas behind my research.
In the end, a professor from one of the schools that I applied to came up and talked to me. She asked me if I was really going to Minnesota. I told her I was. She let me know that she had been asked to attend our session to see me. It seems that they were going to offer me a spot in their program. That’s a nice feeling. Out of the 5 schools I applied to, I was accepted into 4. The 5th one wasn’t really an option because it didn’t fit me. I applied because it’s a state school and it would be closer to home.
Our trip home was crazy. Five hours in the Houston airport (with no wifi). It was good, though, because my advisor and I really talked about us — shared things that we hadn’t talked about before. I consider her more than a mentor and advisor at this point. She’s a friend.
I’m already thinking about next year’s 4C’s. San Francisco, here I come!