doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
work
on the road again
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I’m off on another trip.
This week I’m heading to Las Vegas for the society for technical communication conference. (Yes, I’m a geek – bona fide.)
Since Vegas is less than 5 hours from here, I’m driving. I figured that would give me the leisure to stop, photograph, check things out. Even though I’ve been to Vegas a lot (and even lived there in my high school years), I never tire of photographing the drive. There are always cool things to see.
So, I’m off to network with other geeky writer/editor types.
I’ll be photographing the bright lights of Vegas.
And, as you know, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…
…unless you blog.
Heh.
invisibility
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“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery ~
I’m stupid. That’s kind of why I haven’t been writing.
I’m stupid. And I’m hiding out, wondering why I am this way.
Things are going well, life is going good.
I have an office full of co-workers, three women. We’re laughing and talking. One of them says, “Do you want to go to lunch?”
I look at the clock. I’m on the helpline for one more hour. I hate working the helpline but it’s the one necessary evil of my job so I do it – and I try to do it without complaining…but not always so well.
I say I’d like to go but I have to wait for an hour.
I think I was too quiet. They didn’t hear me and I didn’t say anything because I thought they did and were just moving forward.
They all go out.
My feelings are hurt. I really wanted to go. I don’t spend a whole lot of time with people and I can’t always go out because I just can’t afford it. It was payday and I had a little extra money to spare this pay period. I wanted to go.
The group grows. Eventually it is most of the office.
They all leave.
Five minutes later, one of the student workers comes into my office and asks if I want to go to lunch with them. I almost start crying (because I’m a big baby). I ask if they can wait an hour. They didn’t want to and so I told them to go ahead and go.
And my feelings were hurt again – but not nearly as much this time.
I wanted to hang out with the women. I have a hard time with women and I really want to make things work at this job and with these people because I like them.
Everyone comes back and they are all talking about the great lunch they had. I’m upset. I’m hurt. I’m jealous. I growl at someone who tells me that I didn’t want to go because it wasn’t that good (she was joking with me – not trying to hurt my feelings).
Then I say something to the three women. I didn’t want to feel invisible. I wanted them to know that I did want to join them.
Then I’m over it.
But then I feel stupid. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. But it was. I don’t know why but it was.
Why did I make such a huge scene about it?
I’m such an idiot. I swear. I have no social skills whatsoever. I don’t even know how to interact with people.
It’s probably a good thing I hang out in my office, quietly avoiding people for the most part.
I don’t know how to deal with them.
office culture
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I have an office at work. I know. I’m fortunate. There are millions and millions of people out there forced to work in the cubicle culture and I have an office.
It doesn’t have any windows. In fact, it’s an internal office.
But it’s an office. And I love it. It’s cozy and comfortable. All of my furniture is made of wood, which I love. I have waited patiently until the right wood desk came available and I pounced on it. I searched for a few months for the right wood bookcase and it finally showed up in campus surplus.
I don’t use the overhead flourescents to light my office. I have two 60w lamps that are also wood (and match, coincidentally) to light up my office in a soft, warm glow.
Soon, I will have an aquarium converted into a terrarium to bring some green into my office.
I have some of my photographs on the wall.
I have a big white board with a drawing from Willow and a note from a former student worker on it (along with lists for work).
I love my office.
There is only one problem. The custodian ignores my office.
I come in daily and my garbage is full. It wasn’t emptied the night before. Other people will have theirs emptied but he doesn’t come into my office.
I’ve seen him. He has talked to me. In fact, he told me that he loves coming in to my office because he likes my photography.
But he doesn’t empty my garbage.
What the…??? It’s so odd.
I’ve found a way around by emptying it myself into a larger, more central trash bin. But still…
I’m not sure what is going on but it is the most odd thing.
Maybe I need to put up some new photography. Maybe he got bored.
Hmmm…
literati
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Erin, who is a co-worker and someone I like very much, used the term “literati” the other day when I wrote about the movies and writing.
She said that she wasn’t sure if she’d be a part of the round table literati crowd or if she’d be one of the people they made fun of.
I know that I’d probably be one of the people they made fun of. I’m never one of the “in-crowd” but always looking in, wondering how I’m always looking in but never a part.
Erin and I were talking yesterday and I realized that I am a part of some “in-crowds.” They just never seem to be the ones I strive to be a part of. The grass is always greener, you know.
I work with some really intelligent, witty, and incredible people. We throw barbs and witticisms just as fast and furious as the Vicious Circle ever could have. We enjoy one another and play off of that enjoyment. We tease. We cajole.
If an outsider were to hear some of the things we say, I’m sure they would wonder what kind of personal hell they had just walked into.
It’s funny…these same things coming from someone else would hurt. You know the kinds of words I’m talking about. They poke. They prod. But when said in the right context and the right situation, they are funny and don’t hurt at all.
This “in-group” speak is unique to each group. The only people who probably aren’t offended by it are the ones who are involved – and that’s only because they understand that nothing offensive was meant by the exchange.
Ours just happens to be geeky and revolves around technology.
I may not have belonged to Round Table. But they would never really belong to the Oblong Geek Table either.
holy cow!
06 years ago
Okay, life has gotten increasingly busy for me. My job responsibilities seem to have escalated overnight and I barely have time to breath. I’m rarely even at my desk anymore and for a mole like me, that’s an anomaly!
Yesterday I did the first blog training. It was SO much fun! My supervisor said you could really tell how excited I am about this and it encouraged others to get excited.
I was getting comments about it all day yesterday. When I got to my class last night, I was asked to do a short presentation on blogs. I have built out a blog for the class to use to promote our class themes this semester.
It’s really interesting how freaked out people get about technology and how stubborn they are about wanting to take part in a technological piece of a course. One person was so adamant that there was no way to create privacy that he refuses to do that part of the class. The thing he doesn’t realize is that I really can create a safe place for him to do this work. But he didn’t even want to give that a try.
That’s too bad. I wish he would have tried it, just to see.
prickly situation
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I am a mommy. My kid just happens to be the furry type but he’s no less my kid. He is entrusted into my care. I have to make sure he is provided for, that he gets all of the things he needs and that he lives a happy life.
Of course, I understand that it’s not the same as actually birthing a child. I know this. I also know it’s not the same as having a human child.
But he is my child. I adore him. I do all that I can for him. When he is ill, I worry about him and fret over it. I feel helpless when I can’t make everything right for him.
He’s been sick the last two days. Really ill.
I’ve taken time off of work to care for him but I feel guilty about it.
He’s my kid but will others see it that way? If someone else had a human child that was ill and they had to stay home, would anyone question that?
No one has questioned it. These are the thoughts that are running around in my head. My co-workers and supervisors are pretty understanding about most things.
I just stress about them.
And I think I’m more stressed because my baby isn’t feeling good.
self-confidence
06 years ago
So many of us live in that in-between world of not quite feeling confident enough to blow our own horn but feeling that we are doing a good job at whatever it is that we’re doing.
I have surrounded myself with brilliant people. I like being around them because I learn so much from them. I see the world in a different way. But I hate being around them, at times, because I don’t feel as intelligent or I feel inadequate at the same time.
Two of these brilliant people told me that was silly (and one has called me brilliant himself). They told me that maybe what I’m doing is focusing on a different area that we don’t discuss so much (which is true with my graduate work – I don’t talk about it much and the stuff we do talk about tends to be areas where they are much more fluent and confident).
Thursday I had my performance review at work. I was nervous. I’ve never enjoyed that kind of stuff because I’ve never really felt confident about my role in an organization.
Right before I go in, one of my co-workers comes in to my office and tells me that one of the student workers is appreciative of my work. He says that this person has asked that we don’t allow projects to go public without having me look over them first. He said that having me look over them and verify things makes the end product that much better and makes him proud of the work he is producing.
Wow. Just wow. That’s pretty cool to hear. I wasn’t sure if anyone really noticed me or the work I was doing.
So I go in for the review and my boss and I are talking. She’s great. I couldn’t ask for a better supervisor and one who really seems to *get* me and all my foibles. We walk through the ratings and the comments. I’m cool with all of it. I knew where I had to make some adjustments and was pleasantly surprised by the areas she commented on as strengths for me and the areas she thought I’d like to set for my goals for the next year. It all ends up using my education for my career (and how many of us can say that these days???).
We’re at the end and she asks me to look it over again and to tell her where I think I fit within this 5 point rating. She tells me that I have to be realistic. I can’t go too low.
She knows me.
I say 3. It’s how I feel (well, I would have said 2 if she hadn’t said I couldn’t go too low). She shakes her head. She disagrees with me and we talk about it. I laugh, chagrined and a bit embarrassed, and tell her I was going to say 2.
I think, sometimes, when someone you respect tells you that you’re worth more than you think you are, it can make all the difference.
And that very day, four different people told me that I was worth a lot.
I wasn’t invisible.
milestones
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Yesterday was my 39th birthday.
I suddenly felt old. There haven’t been many birthdays that have made me feel that way but this one did.
My brother said it was because I’ve been sick (and still am recovering) and because I’m so tired. It’s been a long, difficult semester and I’m worn out.
I don’t know if that’s it.
Part of it was that I was taking stock of my life.
I’m not married.
I don’t have any kids.
I don’t have many friends.
Besides my family, I can count on one hand the friends who remembered my birthday (and all of you read my blog – so thank you for remembering – two friends I have never met and 2 friends I have).
–
My brother told a parable to his daughter yesterday. He told her the story of the tortoise and hare – with a twist. He was the tortoise and I was the hare and it had to do with our education.
He has told me to slow down. He says I don’t need to go full-time in graduate school. He says that working full-time and going to school full-time is making me sick. I don’t have time for fun. I don’t have time to relax. I am working, working, working – getting sick – working, working, working – getting sick. There is nothing else.
I worry about slowing down. I want to get my degrees. I want to reach my goals.
But I don’t want to die doing it.
–
I’m feeling old.
cloudy horizons
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I’d like to write something here. I actually have a lot on my mind. I can’t connect things, though. My mind is a fog. I’m having difficulty even thinking or remembering things. I keep forgetting things and even putting them into my PDA or writing them down isn’t helping because I forget where I’ve written things or if I’ve recorded them in the PDA.
I’ve forgotten to say the surgery went well. The last three weeks have sucked but the surgery went well. The edges of the flesh they extracted came back clear of cancer.
This was a bad one, though. In the six months between my last check-up and this one resulted in a melanoma that was big enough for a 4 inch incision. So, now I’m on check-ups every 3 months instead of six.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping. At first it was because the stitches were at a place that hit every time I turned. Now it’s because the incision hurts whenever my body twists.
So, between the stress of the surgery, not sleeping, and just trying to keep up with things, I”m not doing well. I can’t keep my head clear. I’m having trouble doing school work.
I just can’t focus. And I’m irritated by that…which makes it all worse.
Friday I did get some good news. A position that I applied for came open and I got the job offer. It will take some of the stress of finances off of my shoulders. It’s also going to be awesome in terms of my schooling because it’s dealing with many of the issues I’m studying in my program: literacy and technology. I’m so excited about it.
I’m currently working in the distance learning area and I’ll be moving to e-learning. It’s going from front-end to back-end in terms of producing online courses.
I’m so excited about that.
It starts October 31st. Yay!
Okay…enough for now. I can’t think of anything more and my head is in a fog. I seriously feel really dizzy and foggy today. Blech. Bad time for this all to be happening.
I’ll update again soon.
exhaustion
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I haven’t written in a while.
I’m physically and mentally exhausted.
It has been the longest summer of my life.
I was sick for quite a bit of it. I started a new job. I was taking my first graduate level classes.
I’m exhausted.
Top it off that I have to make up the time when I was sick and my awesome new job paid me for that time and I’m working close to 60 hours a week and trying to go to school. Then add on at least 20 hours a week for homework.
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Yes. I’m tired.
My hands are shaking as I type this because I’m so exhausted.
Whine, whine, whine. I know, I know. I get myself into these things.
But on another note…isn’t that puppy the cutest thing ever?
Really.