dawn m. armfield
doctoral candidate in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication
power
0Everything comes down to this for me. The earth is my constant. She speaks to me. She allows me to see beauty and wonder and allows me to understand that while I may be mortal, she is not. She wreaks havoc and mayhem wherever she may. And yet, she also introduces us to astounding sights that capture our attention.
On Boxing Day, I stood at the shores of her greatest body of water. I rolled up my jeans and waded into her cool waters. I felt the sands beneath my toes wrapping around me. I smelled her scent in a way that reminds me of why I love being near her shores. She soothes me. She cleanses me. She reminds me of what is important.
I looked into the eyes of my niece, on her first trip to the Pacific, and smiled. Her joy was immeasurable as we stood there, the surf pounding upon Huntington Beach, the surfers riding the waves.
I knelt and collected sand, driftwood, and shells to make a gift for my Beloved. I wanted to share her with Him. She had reminded me that He was there with me, even if not physically. I could feel Him there, wading, laughing, having fun in her waters with me.
On New Year’s Day, at approximately 12:15 a.m. (while fireworks continued to go off in my time zone), she once again showed me her wonders. The skies finally opened up and the first snowfall (albeit it VERY late) of the year showered down upon my sleepy town.
I looked up in the wide-eyed wonder of a child, belying my years. She always impresses me in these displays. And again, I was aware that He was there with me. She graced my cheeks with soft flakes of snow but it was His finger tracing my cheek that I felt.
He knows that my spirituality is based upon the earth. Perhaps that is what brought us together at a deeper level. He understands that I’m at my happiest when I can feel the earth around me. Her scents and sounds and powers surrounding me.
And perhaps that is why, when her hand touches me, I feel His, also. We are connected, inexplicably, by this ever-changing, ever-revolving place called Earth.
do not pick thorny bushes…
0There is something about acoustical compilations that get me. I was fortunate enough to pick up a copy of the Star Lounge CD that a radio station in Los Angeles puts out yearly. It’s really phenomenal work. Listening to Lenny Kravitz sing “Fly Away” is great. BUT it’s Macy Gray’s “I Try” that is truly moving. It is soulful and real in a way that only live versions can be.
Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not.
I followed a merry band of Airstreams today. laughing At first, I thought that it was interesting, two or three following one another. But then, it turned into DOZENS! I really would have liked to have known where they were going. Was there an Airstream conference somewhere?
I play it off but I’m dreaming of you
I’ll keep my cool but I’m fiendin’
I try to say goodbye but I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
I’m a cuddly type of girl who wants a man to take care of her among other things. chuckle The right relationship grounds me. I tend to be a bit crazy and having someone around is good for me. Plus, then I get to have fun, too. But really, it’s someone for me to lean on, to share with, to feel safe with and to listen to and take direction from. I like that.
I may appear to be free
But I’m just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Why is it that you don’t have to go to the bathroom as you speed past all of the towns and rest stops on a long trip? But the MOMENT there is nothing in sight for at least 50 miles, that’s when you really have to go. So, I’m in the middle of the Mojave Desert with no rest areas for miles and that’s when my body decides it’s time to go. sigh There are NO trees out there. Little bushes and that’s it. Where would I stop??? But I had to. I found a “bush” that was a bit taller than me. All I could think was that some rattlesnake would probably bite my butt as I bared it and that would be how they’d find me. laugh Leave it to me to find myself under the thorniest bush I’ve ever encountered. I’ll be picking thorns out of my body for days.
I play it off but I’m dreamin’ of you
I’ll keep my cool but I’m fiendin’
I try to say goodbye but I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
I rarely stop on trips. I like to drive straight through and get to where I’m going. I don’t like to stop. I like scenery, I can slow down to check things out but don’t make me stop! chuckle I had to stop THREE times today in a 500 mile trip. I should have only stopped once to fill up with gas but circumstances were beyond my control. I was SO L.A. today. I’m sitting at a rest area returning phone calls for business; that and taking pictures of Airstreams. laugh I refuse to talk while I’m driving. I have to pull over and do it. I don’t want to hit some little old lady because I’m speeding along, not paying attention.
Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can’t deny
I’ve got the “move bug” again. I think part of it is watching my brother and his wife pack up to move to their new home. I love moving. It’s fun for me. I like to pack and unpack, finding treasures where I didn’t think there were any. Plus, I itch to see new places. I want to have a new adventure. I want to move to somewhere entirely new but it has to have either mountains or ocean or both. Kind of limits me in many ways, eh? However this is directed to two *chuckle* I will NOT be moving to Oklahoma anytime soon. Nope.
I play it off but I’m dreamin’ of you
I’ll keep my cool but I’m fiendin’
I try to say goodbye but I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
The snow is beautiful. I spent an hour digging myself a pathway to the door just so I could unload my car. I loved it. I love snow. There is something so magical about it. I become a kid again, wanting to go out and play.
Who ever said we always have to be grownups? smiling and skipping out
musings
0When I left home, it was under 30 degrees Fahrenheit…we had a white Christmas. It had snowed all day long and well into the evening. By the time I reached the deserts, the temperature was nearer to 90 and ice chunks were falling off of all of the semi trucks, spraying the roads and the cars surrounding them. A man at the border crossing was wearing a coat. He told me it was a chilly day. I just laughed and shook my head. At that point, I had stripped off my flannel shirt and was down to a tank top, sans a bra. It was just too hot.
The desert is an amazing place. I never tire of it. I’ve lived in several parts of it, from the Phoenix area to the Colorado River area. Everytime I cross over the river, I am once again astounded by it’s beauty. There, at the crossing, it is a beautiful blue-green…not the rusty red it was up-river where it went through the red cliffs of the Canyon. Here, it flows smooth and quiet, like a gentle giant. I am always moved by it’s power…the gift it gives to the people of the west. We use it until it has nothing left to give and drains into the mudflats of Baja. That is one of the most disturbing sites I’ve ever seen in my life. Crabs, jellyfish, and sea cucumbers drying in the hot desert sun because the water drains so quickly now.
Birds were out in force today. I saw a roadrunner. If you’ve never seen one, they don’t look like the cartoon character. They are, actually, very small, but pretty dang fast. They are neat little birds to watch. I saw a red-tail hawk. It was flying into the wind gusts (up to 50 mph) and it was amazing. Those things are so powerful. It alighted on a bush just as my car passed by so I got to see it up close. And the ravens, there were so many ravens out today.
I once passed an entire afternoon sharing folklore about ravens with the RavenMaster at the Tower of London. He had been to the southwest U.S. and had spoken to many of the tribes about their folklore involving the ravens. It was, perhaps, one of my most enjoyable events in London.
I live in an area that is abundant with wildlife. It’s a rare trip that I don’t see some type of animal. I’ve been fortunate enough to see javalina, coyotes, deer, elk, rabbits, all kinds of lizards and snakes, lot’s of gophers, and, when going north, I tend to see sheep, cattle, horses, goats, and other domesticated animals wandering along the roads or even in the roads.
Some things from here stay with me for a long time. Everytime I listen to music, especially while outside, I think of Infidel. His story touched me very deeply. I can’t help but think of how the loss of hearing would impact me. My mother has nearly lost all of her hearing and she’s not even 55 yet. It’s hereditary, she inherited it from her father. Things don’t bode well so I’m going to listen to everything I can while I can.
I watch people as I drive. I will turn and look at them while they pass or while I pass them. I smile usually. I want to make some kind of human contact. On my last trip, I got caught in a 70 mile long traffic jam. There had been 3 rollovers spaced 20 miles apart. I was next to the same cars for most of those 70 miles. It was nearly impossible to get ahead so we all just stayed where we were within the rows. I had my music on. I make CDs for these trips, and play them in my 6-CD changer. I wasn’t playing it loud, don’t want to annoy others in their cars. But I saw a guy out of the corner of my eye straining to hear what was playing. I turned it up and then smiled at him. He looked away so fast. He drove ahead, about one car length, and then did a double-take. I was laughing. I couldn’t help it. Then when I pulled up to him again, I just turned my music up and didn’t look at him. It made me laugh, though. They want you to notice them and when you do, it’s a shock.
Traffic was going my way this time. Everyone was fleeing the city, or perhaps just going back home. From Barstow to Los Angeles the northbound lane was one long traffic jam. The southbound, which I was in, rarely slowed down. I was surprised to beat rush hour, too.
My family laughs. I tell them that I’m not bi-coastal, but bi-statal. I’ve gone back and forth so many times that I could practically do the trip with my eyes closed.
But I’ll spare the others on the road and drive eyes wide open.
more from the road…
0My travels always bring me inspirations to write about, whether it is the way a shadow falls across a valley or the simply driving methods of others along the way. This trip was no different. I was driving home after spending time with my brother in Southern California. I left early, missing all of the holiday traffic and making it out of the Los Angeles metropolitan area (from a beach city) in less than 1 ½ hours.
I don’t remember much of the trip. It went by in a blur. I only know that I made it home in 6 hours when it usually takes me 6 ½ to 8 hours, but I don’t think I ever went over 100 mph as I’m known to do on occasion. chuckle Yes, yes, I know, I’m a speed freak. I like the adrenaline rush. Please, no lectures, I’ve heard them all before. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m going that fast until I’m already up there and then I get busy slowing down. It usually happens when I’m trying to get out of the middle of one of those bunches that the Californians seem to like to drive in. I like the open rode, no one around me. I hate being in the middle of a bunch of cars.
I’m kind of disappointed that I didn’t notice the landscape but, on the other hand, I had time to think about things. I think best when driving, gives me time to sort things out.
I thought of Susie and how she, too, loves to travel. I thought of how much fun we would have traveling and picking out landmarks to share or stories to relate.
I thought of the look on my brother’s face as we sat at lunch the day before and he told me that he thinks I’m beautiful. I burst into tears, there in the restaurant because one of the men that I respect and cherish most in this world thinks I’m beautiful. He also told me to quit living for my mother and start living for myself because it’s my life and not a second chance for her. He is, I think, one of the best friends I could ever ask for in life.
I really feel loved right now. I’m surrounded by love. I’ve never completely felt it in this way and it’s amazing. There is peace in that kind of security. I’m overwhelmed by it, sometimes.
I have amazing friends. I know that they would traverse the world for me if I needed them. I know that they will be there when I’m happy and sad. I don’t speak to them everyday. We don’t need to speak every day to know that we love one another. When we do, though, we are always sure to say, “I love you.” It’s important. I hope that the ones who read this know how much they are treasured, how much they are loved.
I thought of the cork, here, and how people are ridiculed when they come online and express their newfound loves to the rest of us. I wonder whom we are to judge them. Perhaps they love easily. I know I do. Perhaps they love with a carefree that we wish we had. Maybe we have become jaded. Maybe we don’t believe in love that way anymore. And if we don’t, doesn’t that say more about us than them?
I thought of past relationships. I can finally listen to the Dixie Chicks sing “Cowboy Take Me Away” without bursting into tears. Instead, I smile and I remember some really fun times. I also think that song still relates to the person I am, wanting something wild and free growing in a space without tall buildings blocking my view. I can finally go to the Pacific Ocean, drink her in, and not feel like screaming. I can drive past the exit to Lake Havasu City and not feel weak and stupid. I can go to Tempe and not be petrified to enter a certain part of town.
I’ve learned that it’s ok to forgive those who hurt us. And it’s ok to recognize the pain that we may have bestowed upon others and to learn to change that part of us so that we don’t hurt others again. I can forgive and agree to be a friend to an ex. But that doesn’t mean that I have to be his best friend.
I was thinking about the people who’ve said “I love you” to me this week. Wow. I’m so fortunate. It is given without it being expected in return and that’s when it feels the best.
There are things that make me feel giddy, girl-like, and ready to shout from the rooftops. Is that love? Is that being in love? Maybe. Why do I hold back, then? Mostly because I’m afraid of unintentionally hurting others, by being blinded by my own good fortune and joy.
cathelin, wonderful lady that she is, told me to love freely, to let go and let love happen. She even backed it up with a quote from a favorite author:
You know, what are hearts for? Hearts are there to be broken, and I say that because that seems to be just part of what happens with hearts. I mean mine has been broken so many times that I have lost count. But it just seems to be broken open more and more and more, and it just gets bigger. I remember saying to my therapist, “You know, my heart by now feels open like a suitcase. It feels like it has just sort of dropped open…It feels like that.” Instead of that feeling of having a thorn through your heart…you have a sense of openness, as if the wind could blow through it. And that’s the way I’m used to my heart feeling. The feeling of the heart being so open that the wind blows through it. I think that’s the way it’s supposed to feel when you’re in balance…”
–Alice Walker
I’d like to think that’s what my journey is about opening my heart wider and wider, loving more and more as each heartache fades into a memory, leaving me only with the joy of having loved.
I do love…deeply, passionately, and hard. I love to the bottom of my being and all points along the road.
And maybe soon, I’ll share a newfound love, marking yet another milestone as I continue my journey.
I climbed the hills and descended into a valley, and across the way, I saw my snow-covered mountain peaks welcoming me home from 150 miles away. I waved hello and smiled as they slowly slid behind another, closer mountain.
I knew I was home.
musings…snow, mountains, ocean, and spirit…
0I can’t wait to go home for Thanksgiving. While Southern California is beautiful in so many ways, it’s just not Thanksgiving to me if the temperature isn’t in the 40s or below. This 70 degree thing is just to much. Isn’t that summer weather?
I want to make snow angels with my precious pumpkin girl niece. I want to see her cheeks grow rosy and her big blue eyes open wide as we make a snowman. I want to hear her giggle as she delves into cranberry sauce.
A friend and I were talking about earthly things. We both have a love of the ocean. It really speaks to us and we tend to share it here on the cork. It is something that is just deep within and we don’t even live near the ocean. But, when we do have the chance, we visit it.
The mountains, though, are incredibly special. I live at 7000 feet at the base of the highest mountains in Arizona. These are spectacular mountains. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful as when they are covered with snow. They don’t turn that classic blue of the Rockies. They don’t actually even look cold. They glow. They are like a beacon. I dream of my sacred mountains when I’m away too long. The ski resort on my mountains is opening today. For me, that is a mixed message. Is it ok to tear up sacred mountains for commerce? Probably not. But I love to ski. I really do. I feel the Kachina spirits when I’m up there, snow beneath me, blue skies above. I’m caught in-between.
We always hear that “It’s the season of giving.” Why is this the only season that we choose to give? Shouldn’t we do it all of the time? I’m not talking about gifts or money, but about ourselves. A little can go a long way, as the cliche goes.
I am so impressed with Construction Guy, Goddess KALI, and Connie. Their work is the epitome of giving. They are giving a lot of themselves with the CWL project. I read that in their words. And they aren’t asking for anything back. This is the one time that I can say that I see everyone pull together. It amazes me to see such diversity come together for the good of our own community.
It’s funny how a certain person crops up during the “giving season” and turns the cork into a hotbed of turmoil. We don’t hear from him all year and then, when everything is going smoothly and people want to contribute, he pops up. Same time, same place, same bat channel.
Adam Sandler is singing his Turkey song. I know that the Hanukkah song is just around the corner.
I’d like to think that we are inherently good and lose our way occasionally. I’d really like to think that. Maybe I’m a dreamer…
Peace to you all. And to those who celebrate Thanksgiving, have a safe and happy one.
one final entry
0I spoke, last time, of K. in the hospital. She’s out. She’s had surgery. She begins chemo again next week. She had me feel her bald head the other day. She was proud because she had soft stubble growing. Not much, mind you…but enough to make her proud.
She has a smile that will light up a room. It’s infectious. I’ve never been so relieved to see a person in my life. What a gift she is to us…and each one of us knows it. We went running to her desk to see her when she came for a visit. Hugs, hands touching, reaching out to feel her…smiles and laughter filling the room.
I told her I was going to shave my head one more time, this weekend. I want to make sure it’s even before I let it grow out. It’s cold. I can’t stay warm. The cold invades my body even when I’m covered with blankets, wearing shirts, sweatshirts, and when the heater is on. I can’t get warm. Is this what it’s like?
I start the growth process.
I know I said I’d stick with her. But I don’t feel bad about this. This is the right thing to do. She’s ready to put it behind her.
Her cancer has spread. It’s now in her lymph nodes. We mourn this.
But she smiles. She laughs. She is living life and refusing to let this disease take her over. And because of this, our mourning turns to celebration. We rejoice in the moments we have with her. We cherish every second.
We are blessed.
relationships with women
012 years ago
I have never had really healthy relationships with men. I fear them a lot. I fight their need to have power over me. I crave to be loved by them and it never seems to be enough for my neediness. I pull them to me and push them away at the same time. I have a wonderful father but he is one who has a hard time saying he loves people. I have amazing brothers who set the standard for attributes I look for in other men.
My relationships with women are short-lived and tumultuous, at best. I have a very strong mother who loves me but sees me as competition (for whatever reason) and keeps me as a little girl. I have a sister I adore who doesn’t often want a big sister. I have a best friend who has known me since I was a teenager and, amazingly to me, still loves me.
I don’t always recognize the extent of the giving that comes my way from people who don’t have to give to me…thinking, Maenad, chalyss, formerly Captain, and many others…
I have recognized, however, the power of friendship in some people I’ve met here. For me, this is so wondrous and overwhelming that I sometimes am overcome with the emotions these people bring to my life. They are the earth, wind, fire, and water of my life. They are the four seasons and every piece of me. And I wanted to thank them for being in my life, RT (more soon, I hope!!!) and VT.
In no particular order:
tawny~ I have known you longer than anyone else in the VT world. I can remember 8 hour long phone calls when we just really needed to be there for one another. You are a part of my soul…that part that wants to be wild…to stand under full moons, to sing at the top of my lungs, to be daring and challenging. We don’t have those long phone calls anymore (jeez, who could afford it???). We don’t spend every day messaging each other. But we know, if we needed one another, we would be there. Definitely. And even though I can’t say it in French, you are my soul sister.
dannan ~ How do I say what you are to me? How can I put it into words? It is so difficult. I’m consumed by my love for you. There are days when you make me laugh so hard that I can barely breath. And there are days when I cry so much that I feel every bit of your pain. I want to take care of you, love you, be with you. I can’t wait to be able to curl up with you on the bed and watch some sappy movie that we both cry during or to hug you or to go toy shopping with and being embarrassed in only the way we can understand. You bring out the best in me. I could wish for no better friend. You are as close to me as my blood sister. I like to call you my bit of sunshine, my earth sister.
kethry ~ Has there actually been a time in my life when you haven’t been there? I can’t remember it, if there was. You and I…learning, growing, teaching together. We’ve come a long way and we’ve shared so much of that with one another. I run to you when I need someone to tell me I’m ok and I’m not as bad as I believe I am. I run to you when I need a hug. I run to you when I just need to cry and let things out. And you’re always there for me. You’ve never let me down. Not once. Not even when I think I was horrible to you. You understood. You are the epitome of what I call friend. You are always in my heart and never far from my thoughts. I can’t wait to finally meet you in RT. I hope this works out. You are my heartsister. Always.
Lark ~ Last…but never, not ever least. Where would I be without you? You make me stronger. You make me richer. You make my life so full of life that it is worth every moment. You make me feel wanted and loved and cherished. I couldn’t ask for someone better in my life. The more I know you, the more I love you. You fill in the little chunks of my life that have been taken away by pain. You meticulously fill them with love and kindness. You are there when I am frightened and have no where to turn. You are there when it is my darkest hour. And you make sure I know I have somewhere, someone to run to. And I can’t wait to hug you in person. You are the water that buoys me.
I needed you all to know how much I treasure your presence in my life. I know I would have been lost many times without you. Thank you for being here for so many steps. I’ve known you all for years now. And I want it to continue for years. I want to be able to be there for you as you’ve been there for me. I love you all.
the littlest things…
012 years ago
Glendronach made me think of something today. He had lunch with a friend who has had severe cancer and the treatments to go along with it. He had trouble talking to her about it.
I haven’t share the ongoing trials of our department lately because I wasn’t sure how much it mattered. I find, though, that it does.
Is my head still bald? smiling softly Yeah…it is. And it will remain so for a while.
K. and I’ve been talking about her treatment. We share quiet moments in the server room, the workroom, or at my desk and we talk about the cancer and her treatment. These are special moments for me.
She stopped me one day in the workroom and told me that I’d never know how much shaving my head meant to her. That it helped her get through days that were hard. She knew she had friends who cared every time she walked by my office. And that helped her get through each chemo session.
Her lump has decreased in size. They may be able to go with a lumpectomy instead of a mastectomy. That is the best news we could hope for. She will find out more within the next week.
Today we talked again. She begins treatment 4 in about 30 minutes and after this one, they will gauge if the surgery will be done or if they will go on with chemo. We’re all hoping for chemo.
When will we let our hair grow out? When K. is done with chemo…which could be October or November. We told her we were in it with her for the long-haul. The more support she has, the better spirits. And she deserves it. She’s a beautiful woman.
I’m proud to know her.
a piece of my week
0I’m so weird these days. I know part of it is because I’m tired. I know that part of it is because I’m not used to dealing with such illnesses and sometimes I don’t know what to say or what to do. I don’t want to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing to hurt someone I care about. I want to do it right. There’s too much pain going on in this world as it is. I wanted to share something with you.
On Wednesday morning, I walked down to the ground floor before leaving for a meeting. I was talking to the building receptionist (a lovely lady that I really like) and someone turned to look at me. I couldn’t remember her name but she looked familiar.
She said that she recognized my voice. She said, “branwyn?”
I, luckily, remembered her name right then. “Skye!”
She looks at me more closely. She said, “It is you, right?”
I laughed and nodded. And she asked, “Are you sick?”
Tears lept to my eyes. It hurt. I’m not sick but I know, because of my long weekend, that I looked sick. I had sucken eyes, pale face, bald head.
“No, no…I’m not sick.” I explained why my head was shaved…why I looked like the walking dead.
This all affected me deeply. And the next day, I found out K. was in the hospital and that I would be going to see her. All I could think was that I hope she gets better soon so neither of us has to look sick anymore. So that we can both grow back our hair and live life to its fullest. I can. But I won’t until she can with me.
I went to her partner today. I told her that if my shaved head became a constant reminder to them, I would grow my hair back. I didn’t want to do anything to hurt them further. I also told her that we, as a department, were really glad that K. has her. We were glad that she had someone to love her and care for her. And then I started to tear up…and she, H., said…”Please don’t. I’ll cry if you do.” I didn’t. She hugged me…this woman who is like a rock. And she told me that she appreciated everything and thanked me for coming to her.
Why am I telling you this? So you’ll understand what frame of mind I’m in. I’m just sad. Just sad.
Life is good for me right now. I have nothing to complain about. I wish K. had the same.
reflections
0I can’t help but touch it. It calls out to me, beckoning me to just stroke it and feel it. The soft fur only millimeters long is like the felt we used in arts & crafts as kids…or like a soft velvet…or like the suede skirt I have hanging in my closet. And like those, it is something I want to touch. I want to feel the sensation beneath my fingertips.
Everything is different. I feel different. I am looked at differently. All because of this. I was stopped twice yesterday and asked if I was the woman in the newspaper…was I the one who supported her co-worker or was I that co-worker who was supported? And how wonderful that was. I was the woman in the newspaper…taking the picture of her friend with cancer. I was embarrassed that people noticed me. They had never noticed me before. What was the difference? Had I changed?
I’m overwhelmed by this. People want to touch me. They want to feel a part of this thing. And they are. Every word, every touch, every thought…they become a part of it. And it moves me…like nothing else ever has. I’ve become a part of something so absolutely beautiful and touching that I don’t even have the right words for it.
This is day 2 of my baldness. I would have never thought it would have had such an impact on me. But it has. I think of K. minutely. How is she doing? How is this affecting her?
I can’t wait to get back to work tomorrow to ask…to hear everyone’s experiences…to understand that this is what life is about…this sharing…this comraderie.